


Schism

by kho



Series: Schism [1]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Dark, Depression, Drinking, Dubious Consent, Episode Related, Flashbacks, M/M, Recovery, Self-Destruction, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-05-27 10:35:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 62,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6281251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kho/pseuds/kho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>COMPLETE!!!!</p><p>Alone is probably not something he should be right now. But the thing is, he’s in such a bad place in his head right now, he’s in such a horrible dark awful place, that he knows he’s not fit for human consumption.  He’ll say something, he’ll do something. He’ll be ugly in ways he won’t be able to take back, ugly like his soul feels right now.  Black, like his heart feels right now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for darkness, depression, self-destructive behavior etc. Spoilers up until Season 6 ep 15/16. Does not take into account any events after that. This will be a chaptered fic.
> 
> (ETA: 8/31, Epilogue up!) / (ETA: 6/15, Ch 15 Up!) / (ETA: 6/6, Ch 13 Up!) / (ETA: 5/25, Ch 12 Up!) / (ETA: 5/18 Ch 11) / (ETA: 5/6, Ch 10) /(ETA: 4/26, Ch 9 Up) / (ETA: 4/19, Ch 8 Up!) (ETA: 4/15, Ch 7 Up) / (ETA: 4/9, Ch 6 up) / (ETA: 4/5: Ch 5 up now) / (ETA 3/30: Ch 4 up now) / (ETA 3/27: Ch 3 up now) / (ETA 3/22: Ch 2 up now)

> _I know the pieces fit 'cause I watched them tumble down_  
>  _No fault, none to blame, it doesn't mean I don't desire to_  
>  _Point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over._  
>  _To bring the pieces back together, rediscover communication_
> 
> _[Schism](https://youtu.be/_yNAABKD4IA) by Tool_

 

Danny’s phone has been ringing all day but he just ignores it.  Chin has called three times and Steve ten.  Kono has called once and texted twice, and for her that’s nearly the equivalent of Steve’s ten calls.  He knows his friends love him, he knows they worry, but he just...  God damnit, he wants some time to himself.  

But that’s not it really, it’s not that he wants some time alone.  Alone time is not good for him right now.  Alone is probably not something he should be right now. But the thing is, he’s in such a bad place in his head right now, he’s in such a horrible dark awful place, that he knows he’s not fit for human consumption.  He’ll say something, he’ll do something. He’ll be ugly in ways he won’t be able to take back, ugly like his soul feels right now.  Black, like his heart feels right now.

But they just won’t stop.  Steve has started texting.   _Beer?_ And after no response.   _I’m here for you if you need me._   And after Danny still hasn’t responded, his text reads _Danny I’m starting to really worry here, please let me know if you’re okay._

Finally he picks up his phone and texts all three of them at once in a group text, _Please stop.  I’m home.  I’m fine, I’m taking a break from my fucking life.  I’m better left alone now.  Thank you for caring.  I’m turning off my phone.  See you tomorrow._

Kono is the first to text back _We love you Danny_ with Chin next saying _Just let us know if you need anything._  Steve doesn’t text at all, just starts calling again.  Danny then turns off his phone, pulls out the bottle of whiskey and pours it into the tumbler, and starts in.

Thirty minutes later when Steve barges in without knocking Danny is utterly unsurprised, and in fact has an already full tumbler waiting for him.  “Drink,” he says.

Steve sits next to Danny on the couch in the dark, and Danny can feel his eyes on his face.  “Danny.”

“Drink,” Danny says, nodding at the glass.  “Whiskey.  It’s the really good whiskey.”

“Danny I don’t really want to--”

“Steve, I told you I was fine and wanted to be alone,” Danny says, not looking at him.  “If you can’t take that hint then I’ll spell it out for you.  I need you to either leave, or shut the fuck up and drink with me.”

Steve settled back in against the cushions, the streetlights outside the only light inside the house.  “I don’t understand, I thought you returned the money to the FBI and it went okay.”

“Steve, just.”  Danny drains the last of the whiskey in his glass and reaches over to pick up the bottle and fill it again.  “Ya know I’m just sick of it.  It just keeps piling up and piling up and piling up and I’m fucking drowning under the weight and I just need a fucking break, okay?”  He picks up the glass for Steve and shoves it into his hands.  “Don’t wanna talk.  Wanna drink.”

Steve contemplates the drink in his hand and then shrugs, downing it and reaching forward to grab the bottle.  “How many I need to catch up?”

Danny counts.  “Two more’ll catch you up.”  Steve nods and fills the glass again and downs it in one.  He refills it again before Danny reaches out to stop him.  “Hey, I said drink, not OD.”

“You want me with you, I’m with you,” Steve says, but he settles back into the couch and nurses his third drink.  Sipping instead of gulping.  

“You don’t have to catch up, I just want us...”  Danny shrugs.  “I don’t know, I feel like I need to drag you down with me if you’re gonna insist on being here.”

Steve looks at him but Danny just stares down at the amber liquid in the glass in Steve’s hands.  “Danny, I just don’t understand.”

“You don’t understand.”  Danny laughs and shrugs.  “You don’t understand.  What don’t you understand?”  Danny drains the last of his glass and refills it again.  He’s going to feel this like a motherfucker later.  “I don’t want to talk about it.  I don’t want to.  I just don’t,” he says, settling back down.  He watches as Steve drains his own glass and refills as well.  He should tell him to stop.  Really, he should kick him out.  He doesn’t.  “I’m sick to my stomach.  I’m tired.  I’m angry.  I’m hurt.  I’m sad.  I’m lonely.  I’m alone.  I’m lost.  I’m just fucking done, Steve, I’m done.”

“Okay,” Steve says, gently.  And gently is the last thing Danny wants to hear.  Gently just makes his gut boil and his hands ache to punch into something solid.  “But you’re not alone.”

Danny snorts.  “Because you won’t let me be. How many ways do I have to tell you to leave me alone?  Do I have to beg you to leave?  Get down on my knees?  I’m not alone right now because you won’t _let me be_.”

Steve lets out a huff.  “Because you’re _not alone_.  Not if I have anything to say about it.  I will _always_ be here _._ ”

They sit in silence then and Danny closes his eyes and lets the alcohol envelop him, lets the warmth wash over him from head to toe.  Tries to feel it on a cellular level, dulling his senses, making his aching heart throb less, feeling it unclenching his fists from the last thread of his sanity that he’s been trying too hard to hold onto since the FBI pulled his mother in for questioning.

Lets himself sink into the cushions and lets the whiskey soak into his bloodstream, too much too quick, he hasn’t drank this hard in years, probably since his split with Rachel.  He can hear Matty’s voice in his head saying fuck the hangover sometimes you just need to get shitty to the point of not being able to even feel your face.  And that’s what it all boils down to anyway doesn’t it?  Matty.

  
  
  
  


_ “Drink.” _

_ “I don’t want to drink, Matty, I want my fucking family back.” _

_ “Well as much as I’d love to get that for you, brother, I can’t.  So instead we’re gonna beer it up.” _

_ “God I fucking hate her.” _

_ “No you don’t.” _

_ “I really do. I do so fucking bad Matty.  I want to bash her prim and proper British face in.” _

_ “No you don’t.” _

_ “My baby girl, man.  I don’t get to take her to McDonald’s at 7 in the morning anymore on Saturdays. I don’t get to tell her a story at night.  Brush her hair after she takes her bath.  Kiss her stupid adorable cheeks in the morning.  She’s taking my baby, Matty.” _

_ “You will get to do all of those things, Danny.” _

_ “No, I fucking won’t, man, I won’t.” _

_ “She’ll relent, man.  She will.  You’ll see.  She’s not this vindictive bitch she’s being right now, Danny.  She’ll get over it and you’ll get to do all of those things again and more.” _

_ “Do you swear?” _

_ “I swear, man.” _

_ “Promise?” _

_ “I fucking promise to you, Danny.  You will.” _

_ “I want to hate her.  This would be so much easier if I hated her.” _

_ “I know big guy.  Now what did I say?  Drink, bitch!” _

_ “Fuck off, Matty.” _

_ “Hey, what’s that on your face?  Why Danny, I think I see a smile!” _

  
  
  
  


Matty, Matty, Matty.  God, fuck you, Matty.

“Isn’t there anything, Danny?”

Danny opens his eyes because he’s starting to really feel it now, feel that floaty, numb thing that happens when the whiskey stops burning your throat and starts making you fly.  His lips tingle.  “Anything what?”

Steve slides over right next to him, shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, knee to knee, or near enough considering the height difference, and Danny’s sure it’s a show of solidarity. He’s sure it just means hey, I’m here, I’m right here.  He’s sure of it.

“Anything I can do to help you, Danny,” Steve says, voice small, soft, sad.  “What do you want, I’ll do anything.”

“You know what I want?  I just wanna feel good,” Danny rasps out, staring straight ahead.  “I wanna feel something good.  I deserve something good, I’m fucking owed it, after all I’ve put up with, all I’ve done for everyone else, I deserve something fucking good for me.”

He can feel Steve nodding as a hand rests on his leg, squeezing.  Again.  Solidarity.  He knows it’s just solidarity.  He _knows_.  “Yes you do.”

Danny closes his eyes and just says it.  Because Steve asked.  He asked.  “Fuck me.”

Steve freezes, his hand stilling from squeezing Danny’s thigh.  “What?”

“I want you to fuck me Steve,” Danny says, eyes still shut, hand coming down on top of Steve’s hand, holding it there.  His throat is raw, voice strained, and he wants so bad he aches.  “I wanna feel you inside of me, just once.  I want you to fuck me.”

Steve swallows so loudly Danny feels it echo in his head.  “Danny.  What?”

“You’ve been making notches on your bedposts for months now since Catherine left,” Danny says, letting just a little bit of the anger bleed through.  Trying so hard to hold it in makes him taste the bitter.  “Make me one of ‘em.”

Steve tries to take his hand back but Danny folds his fingers over it, holding it there on his thigh.  Steve’s breathing ragged and smells like whiskey and Danny lets himself want, he lets himself want like he hasn’t before.  Like he’s always stopped himself from wanting.  Looks over at Steve, at his lips, his eyes, his jawline.  Lets the raw, animal need happen, doesn’t put the breaks on, lets it show on his face, in his eyes as they catch Steve’s.  Doesn’t hide it anymore.

“Danny?”

Danny slides off the couch and crawls to kneel in front of Steve, reaching up to unbuckle his jeans, unzipping them and tugging them down.  Steve’s hands scrabble at Danny’s hands but he’s not using his strength, he’s not trying, he doesn’t really mean it. He can’t, because Steve’s a fucking ninja and he can Houdini his way out of this without breaking a sweat but Danny’s hand is covering his underwear-sheathed cock already and Steve hasn’t moved.  “I just want to feel you, please, let me feel something good.”

“Danny, Danny, not like this,” Steve is saying, his hands stilling Danny’s.  “Not drunk and angry like this.”

“You said,” Danny growls, flicking his eyes back up to look into Steve’s finally.  “You said anything, you’d do anything.”

Steve reaches out and frames Danny’s face in his hands and hauls him up.  “Danny I don’t want it like this.”

“Punch me and leave or kiss me and fuck me until all I feel is your cock, Steve,” Danny says, and cries out when Steve’s lips seal to his, his hands coming up to grab Steve’s arms and hold him there.  Pulling back he closes his eyes and breathes for a second.  “Please, I don’t want to think anymore.”

“Danny I didn’t want it to be like this,” Steve says but Danny shuts him up with another biting kiss, too harsh, too hard, he thinks his lip has split, he can taste blood.  “Danny.”

“No, stop.  Stop being gentle,” Danny says, tugging on Steve’s jeans, yanking his shoes off and tossing them behind them, jeans next, then underwear, eyeing Steve’s hard cock hungrily.  “You want this too, tell me you want this too.”

“Not like _this,_ Danny,” Steve says, hands back on Danny’s face, trying to make him face him, trying to make Danny look up at him but Danny won’t let him, instead watching the way Steve’s cock jumps as he traces the vein under it with a fingertip.  “Danny!”

“Condom,” Danny says, finally looking up at him.  “I know you have one.  You’ve been fucking women left and right, Steve, I know you have one.”

Steve looks so disappointed, so sad, and Danny can’t fucking stand it so he pushes off of Steve and stalks to his bathroom and grabs his own, coming back with several and squatting, kneeling back down in front of Steve.  

Steve who, for all his protesting, still hasn’t tried to leave.

“Stop looking at me like that,” he growls, ripping open the condom with his teeth.  “I told you to leave me alone.  I tried to be alone.  You wouldn’t let me.”

“This is what you want,” Steve finally asks, and the resignation, the permission in his voice makes Danny look up again.  “This is what you really want?  Need?”

Danny rocks back to sit on his heels, the condom dangling from his fingers.  “Yes, I want this.  I need this.  I don’t want to think anymore, Steve, please.  I’m begging here, this is me begging.”

“Danny, please tell me what fucking _happened_ ,” Steve asks, begging himself.

Danny closes his eyes.  “My brother died, and he fucked over my entire family in the process.  My baby boy is sick.  Grace is growing up and doesn’t need me anymore.  Everything.  Everything happened.  My life is fucked.  Everything is fucked, Steve, everything is horrible and I swear, Steve, I swear to God if I didn’t have my kids and you I’d just jump off a fucking cliff right now.”

“Danny,” Steve says, horrified, and Danny’s sorry.  He’s sorry, but he won’t take it back.  “No.”

“I just want to feel something good,” Danny says, eyes screwed shut tightly.  Doesn’t ever want to open them again, have to see Steve’s eyes, his face looking at him.  “I just want to not feel _this_.”

Steve’s lips are gentle on his and it makes Danny’s heart hurt.  He can’t take gentle, he needs hard, rough.  He needs anger or else he’s going to completely shatter.  He takes the kiss over, gives it a punishing pace, shoves his tongue past Steve’s teeth and blindly feels for Steve’s cock to pull the condom over it.  “Come on,” he breathes against Steve’s mouth.  “Fuck me.”

He’s taken off guard when Steve shoves him away, thinks maybe Steve’s had enough and is finally gonna haul off and punch him.  And Danny would take it too, he’d take it and know he deserved it.  Instead Steve shoves him up and over the couch, face down, bending over him and his cock fitting in the cleft of Danny’s ass.  “You want me to fuck you huh?  You want it to hurt?  Is that what you want?”

When Danny says yes Steve’s already pushing his cock in, slow but too much, too fast, and it hurts but it’s exactly what Danny wants it to be and he fists his hands down into the couch cushions, groaning as Steve stretches him out and tears him apart.  “God yes.”

When Steve’s cock is buried deep inside of him he reaches down and loops an arm around Danny’s chest and hauls him up against him before pulling out and pushing back in.  “Does it hurt,” he hisses into Danny’s neck.  “That what you want, you want it to hurt?”

“Yes,” Danny grunts out, hands reaching back to clutch into Steve’s hips.  “So good.”

Steve’s hand wraps around Danny’s throat, just tight enough for Danny to feel it’s danger but not tight enough for anything else.  He cries out as Steve pumps into him again.  “Fuck you, Danny.”

“Yes, fuck me, Steve, fuck me,” Danny says, vision swimming, a chant of _so good so good so good_ in his head.

“No, Danny, _fuck you_ ,” Steve growls against his ear.  “This isn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want to hurt you.  I never wanted to hurt you like this.”

Danny shudders, nails digging into Steve’s thighs.  “Steve, I want this, this is what I want.”

“It didn’t have to be like this, Danny,” Steve says, head bending forward to rest against the back of Danny’s neck as he pulls out and pushes in, pulls out and pushes in.  

“Harder,” Danny grits out, bending forward out of Steve’s grasp so Steve has to reach down to hold his hips.  “Come on, please don’t make this what it isn’t, it doesn’t mean anything, Steve, I just need to forget, I need, I need--”

So Steve shuts up and just drives into him, pushing a hand to the middle of Danny’s back and pushing his face into the cushions below, pounding into him hard enough to hurt, hard enough that Danny’s going to feel this for days.

Danny comes so hard his brain stops functioning, he forgets how to breathe, he blacks out and loses time, comes to to Steve pulling out of him and tossing the spent condom on the floor with a small squelch.  He sits on the couch next to Danny and begins pulling on his jeans.

“Steve.”

“Feel better,” Steve asks, not looking at him.  “Hard enough for you?  Impersonal enough for you?  Did I fucking _hurt you_ enough?”

Danny frowns and turns over to sit, sliding up the couch, still finding it difficult to breathe.  “You’re angry.”

“Not angry,” Steve bites out with a shrug.  “Hurt, Danny.  I’m hurt.”

Danny reaches out to put a hand on Steve’s shoulder but he just jerks it away.  “Steve.”

“Of the people in my life, Danny, I thought you’d be the last,” Steve says, reaching down to untie his shoes, shoving them on and starting to tie them again.  “The last one to use me.  The one that would never use me.”

Danny rubs a hand over his face, taking a deep breath.  “That wasn’t.  I didn’t use you--”

“You didn’t...” Steve laughs and finally looks at him.  Such anger, sorrow, disappointment.  Danny feels it like a physical blow, even through the haze of alcohol blacking out his vision around the sides.  “You took my feelings for you and you used them against me.   _To hurt you._ ”

Danny swallows as the panic begins to settle in, looking at the way Steve’s shoulders hunch in, the way his eyes are clouded, and anger vibrating off of him.  “Steve, I just wanted--”

“And you got,” Steve spits out, standing up and refusing to look at him.  “Hope you feel better, cuz I sure as fuck don’t.”

Danny closes his eyes and lays his head back against the couch.  “Steve.”  Opening his eyes he reaches to to grab Steve’s arm.  “Steve, I’m sorry.”

Steve doesn’t pull his arm away but he doesn’t move any closer either.

“I’m sorry Steve.  I’m drunk.  I’m not in a good place.  I told you that.  I asked you to leave me alone, I _told you that_.”

“I’ll get past it,” Steve says quietly, pulling his arm out of Danny’s grip and bending down to pick up his keys from the table.  “I’ll work past it, but the thing is... Danny, the thing is--”

“I’m sorry, Steve.”

“It just could have been so beautiful, Danny,” Steve says, mouth twisting as he closes his eyes and fists his hands by his side.  “Me and you man.  It shoulda been.”

Tears prick at Danny’s eyes as he watches Steve trying to regain control of himself and realizes that in trying to heal himself he’s broken the only remaining good thing in his life.

“Steve, please.”

“I’ll see you at work,” Steve says, and then walks out of the door.

Danny drains the rest of the bottle without ever bothering with the glass and passes out with his pants still off, condom forgotten on the floor. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after the night before.

“Wow, man, you look awful,” Kono says as she hugs Danny the next morning, holding onto his shoulders as she pulls back.  “And you smell it too.”

Danny grins.  “Thanks for that.  Makes my day.”

“No I mean, you smell like whiskey and dial soap,” Kono says, frowning.  “Steve said you really tied one on last night.”

Danny reaches up and scratches at the stubble on his cheeks, eyes flicking around.  “He here?”

“Left for the crime scene with Chin,” she says, making him sit down.  “I’d ask if everything was okay but the whiskey smell tells me that’s pointless.  How’s the hangover?”

“I am hearing colors,” Danny says simply, reaching up to rub at his eyes.  When he takes his hands down she’s gone and he wonders how long he’s been sitting there.  She’s back in a few minutes though with a plate with steam coming off of it and a grin.  “What?”

“Loco Moco,” she says, shoving it at him.  “I remembered I had some left over yesterday from lunch in the fridge.”

“Really not hungry,” he says, his stomach clenching.

“Loco moco is the best cure for hangovers,” she says, putting it down in front of him.  “Eat it or I kick your ass.”

Danny sighs but takes a forkful and swallows it down, because he is absolutely positively sure Kono can and will kick his ass if he doesn’t.  His head pounds when Steve and Chin walk in the door and he looks up to see Chin’s grin and Steve’s frozen mouth and wrecked eyes.

“Look who the cat dragged in,” Chin says, pounding Danny on the back.  “Not used to you being the last to show.”

“You look like shit,” Steve says quietly, looking up at Danny while he inserts a USB into the computer table and opens it.  “If you feel that bad just go back home and sleep it off.”

“I’m fine,” Danny says, eyes glued to Steve.  “You okay?” Steve ignores the question.

“Ah, the Loco Moco cure,” Chin says, pointing to the dish in front of him.  “You really should eat that brah, I know it doesn’t seem appetizing on a sour stomach but it really does wonders.”

“I’m eating, I’m eating,” Danny grouses, taking another bite and cringing at the taste.  Not that it tastes awful, Loco Moco is actually a dish he’s come to appreciate a hell of a lot, but the savory flavor of the yolk and the patties makes his stomach grumble to life and he’s not sure if this is going to be the cure or the thing that tips him over into spilling his guts for the first time since 1996.  “What’s the case?”

“Twenty-seven year old medical school student found standing over the body of his roommate with a bloody knife and no one else in the vicinity but swears he didn’t do it,” Steve says, staring up at the screen and not at Danny.  The pictures are awful and gory and make Danny’s gut clench even worse.  “Seems like he’s in shock, but didn’t break in interrogation and no prior history of violence or any other felonies.  Except pot when he was sixteen.”

“Oh and by the way, he’s the son of a friend of the Governors,” Kono says, ironic smile.  “So.  Discretion and low profile please and thank you.”

“Shared girlfriend,” Danny asks, looking at the pictures on the big screens.  “Caught cheating?  Any known fights?  Prior history for the roommate?”

“No girlfriends for either,” Chin says, pointing to the handsome twenty-seven year old, “and been best friends since they were twelve.  Status updates on facebook dating back to 2004 between them sound like they had a pretty solid friendship up until a week ago. No history for the roommate either.”

“What happened a week ago,” Danny asks.

“Roomates got a kid,” Lou says, walking into the room and nodding at Danny.  “Good to see you in the land of the living, son.”

“A guys a little late,” Danny grumbles, poking his fork through the rice on his plate.  

“Three hours late, it’s almost lunch time brah,” Chin says, laughing.   “What about a kid?”

“Girlfriend from back home had a kid six months after he left for college.  No proof it’s his but he went home suddenly last weekend and spent all of his time with her and the kid,” Lou says, flipping through some papers and then slapping a picture down on the desk.  “Comes back here and is dead twelve hours later.  Reads to me like he just found out and someone wasn’t too happy.”

“Chin, why don’t you and Kono go to campus and talk to the others in the dorm, track down any friends mutual or otherwise, see if we’re missing something there,” Steve says, pointing at Lou, “You and I will go ask our guy what if anything he knew about the kid.”

“And I’ll just... sit here,” Danny asks, spreading his arms out.  “Steve.”

“Go over the financials, see if you find any abnormalities,” Steve says over his shoulder, heading into his office.  Danny stands up and holds up a finger to Lou indicating he wants to talk to Steve a moment and then follows Steve into his office shutting the door behind him.  “What?”

“Hey,” Danny says, chewing on his lip and beginning to pace.  “So.”

“Not here.”

Danny looks up and stops pacing.  “Steve, I just want to--”

Steve slices a hand through the air, mouth an angry line.  “Not here, Danny, I can’t do this here.”  

Danny closes his eyes and sinks down into the chair opposite of Steve’s desk, bending over to cover his face.  “Steve, I’m sorry. Please.”

Steve is silent for a moment but when he speaks again his voice is softer, the edge duller.  “We’ll talk later.”

“Just, seriously, I’m so sorry,” Danny says, leaning forward and holding his hands out like he’s offering to cut them open and bleed.  “I was outta my mind, I can’t believe how I behaved, Steve, you have to--”

Steve squeezes his eyes shut and leans against his desk, his arms crossed.  “I said not here, Danny, what about not here do you not get?”

“You know I would never,” Danny says, choking on the words, feeling his stomach roil.  “I would never--”

“Stop,” Steve says, rolling his eyes up to look at the ceiling.  “Just.  I need time, and I can’t do this here.”

“Please just know that I would never, ever do anything to upset you on purpose in my right mind.”  Danny wants so badly to reach out and grab Steve’s arms, shake him, yank him around until he’s facing Danny and looking him in the eye.  Instead he just curls his hands into fists at his side.  “You know that right?”

Steve steps away from the desk and walks over to the door to his office, his hand pausing before he twists the door handle.  “I love you, Danny, but right now I kind of hate you.”

He walks out before Danny can even formulate an answer.

+

Danny pours over the financials and sees nothing of interest and starts pouring over the college transcripts instead, and still finds nothing.  He hadn’t held much hope to find much of anything in paperwork to begin with, and he was fighting being angry that he’d been stuck with it because Steve knew just as well as he did that when it came to college students emotions rather than paperwork usually ruled.

By the time Lou and Steve get back into the office Danny’s worked himself up into a healthy anger that he can feel all the way to his bones but when he looks up at Steve’s face and sees how exhausted Steve looks the anger just fades away to that dull ache he can’t seem to shake.

“Any luck,” Steve asks.

Danny shakes his head.  “Nah.  Just your regular financials for a 27 year old, ya know.  Student loans.  Nothing out of the ordinary.

Steve reaches out like he’s gonna puts a hand on Danny’s shoulder, like he always does twenty times a day to check in on him, but instead his hand hangs in the air awkwardly before it clenches into a fist and falls to his side.  Danny looks away and listens to the heavy breath Steve expels from his nose and wonders why the fuck he even bothered to wake up this morning.

“You feeling better,” Steve asks quietly.

“I’d feel better if you’d look me in the eye,” Danny says, because Steve hasn’t done it yet, not once all day.  “But as far as my hangover, yeah.  Better.”

“Danny,” Steve warns, crossing his arms over his chest.  “Drop it.”

“I didn’t pick anything up, Steven” Danny says, throwing his hands up in the air.  “Fuck it, I’m gonna just head to the ME’s office, see what they found forensically.”

“We’ll go together,” Steve says quietly, falling in step with him.  

“Wow,” Danny says, giving him a sidelong glance.  “You mean you’re willing to walk alongside me?  Breathe the same air as me?”

“Danny, would you relax,” Steve says, grinding his teeth together.  

They don’t speak at all on the way to the ME’s office, Max does all of the talking save for one question from Danny and two from Steve, and it’s dead silence half of the way back until Danny finally just explodes and throws his hands up in the air.

“So you’re saying after five years, five years of building us, I fucked us in one night.  One night, and we’re done.”  

Steve’s knuckles whiten on the steering wheel and Danny watches his jaw muscle jump as he grinds his teeth.  “I don’t know.   Maybe.”

Danny feels open, and raw, and fucking spent.  “Then why did you let me,” he yells, turning in his seat to glare at Steve.  “Why did you stay?  Huh?”

Steve blows out agitatedly through his nose.  “Can’t you just let it fucking go today, Danny?”

“No, Steven, I cannot, because I need to know,” he yells, reaching over and smacking the console with an open hand.  “Why did you stay and fuck me?  Why didn’t you just fucking leave?  It’s not like I raped you, Steve!”

“No,” Steve yells, turning his head to glare hatefully at Danny, and Danny hears it over and over in his head. _Right now, I kind of hate you, right now, I kind of hate you._  This look on Steve’s face, it doesn’t look like kind of.  “You just made me feel like I was raping you!”

Danny’s breath rushes out of him all at once and his head spins, and his gut turns to stone.  “Pull over,” he wheezes, reaching over and grabbing at the door handle, slapping his hand around it until he finds the lock control to unlock it.  “Pull over Steve, right now!”  

Steve hasn’t even come to a complete stop on the side of the road before Danny’s throwing off his seatbelt and lurching out of the seat onto the grass beside the car, immediately hitting his knees and vomiting from the soles of his feet all the way up to the top of his hair.  Everything he’s eaten and drank for the past twenty four hours wretching out of him until he thinks finally he certainly _must_ be as empty as he actually feels.

Steve gets out and kneels behind him and puts a hand on his back.  “Hey,” he says, voice softening.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

Danny stands and stumbles two feet away to get away from Steve’s hands before he has to bend over at the waist and dry heave a few more times.  “The fuck you didn’t,” he says, wiping at his mouth and holding up a hand to warn Steve back.  “You didn’t mean to say it, but you fucking meant it.”

Steve kneels down to Danny’s level a few feet away but actually does meet Danny’s eyes when he looks at him.  “Danny I get needing to fuck the empty pit out of your stomach, I do get it okay?  I’ve been doing it myself.”  He looks so sad, and small, and tired, and it makes Danny’s stomach clench again.  “But you do it to people... with.  You do it with people you don’t give a shit about, Danny.  You don’t do it to... you don’t do it with--”

Danny squeezes his eyes shut and rocks back until he’s sitting in the grass, his ass getting wet from the slight rain misting down on them.  “Say it.  Just say it.  To, Steve.  I did it _to_ you.”

“That’s what it feels like.”

Danny feels tears burn at his eyes and he feels so awful, and horrible, and guilty, but he also feels so incredibly fucking pissed that he just can’t make himself apologize again.  “That’s not fair, Steve.”

“I know.”

“It’s not.  I didn’t.”  Danny shrugs because he doesn’t know how to say any of this, can’t figure it out in his own brain muchless make sense of it for Steve.  “I never.  I wasn’t thinking, I would never consciously--”

Steve nods, running a hand through his hair.  “I know.”

“I wasn’t thinking that, Steve,” Danny says, leaning forward and wanting so bad to reach over and grab Steve’s hand but too terrified that Steve will pull it out of his grasp to actually do it.  “I swear to fucking God.”

Steve glances away.  “I know, Danny.”

Danny gestures helplessly again.  “Then why do you hate me?”

Steve frowns.  “I don’t hate you.”

“Oh, buddy,” Danny says, snorting and shaking his head, pointing at him.  “You do.  Go look in a mirror.  You fucking _hate_ me, the way you look at me today.”

Steve sighs and scrubs a hand over his face for a moment.  He laces his fingers together in his lap and looks down to study them.  “It’s just how I feel right now, Danny.”

“You should have left.”  Danny clenches his teeth together, hands fisting at his side as anger pools in his belly.  “ Why the hell didn’t you leave?”

“Because you were in pain, and I can’t stand to see you like that.”

Danny laughs, a sharp painful bark of a laugh that echoes loudly in his ears.  “What about now?  Huh?”  He spreads his arms wide, like Jesus on the cross.  “You’re killing me with this, right here, right now.  I’m in pain _now_.”

Steve’s mouth twists bitterly.  “Well so am I, asshole.”

Danny stands and turns away, crossing his arms over his chest and looking out at where the waves break in the surf.  He listens to the sound of the ocean and feels like maybe everything would be so much better for everyone involved if he just walked out there and let them sweep him away with them as they receded.  “Just leave.”

“Get in the car, Danny.”

Danny shakes his head.  “Just leave me here.”

Steve’s voice is closer now, just behind him.  “Danny, get in the car.”

“Just fucking leave me here,” Danny yells, whirling around and jabbing a finger in Steve’s chest.  He feels a tear fall down his face but ignores it to physically push Steve back a few feet with both hands.  “Leave me here!  I’ll never call you again, I’ll never come by, I’ll find a new job, okay?  I’ll make your pain stop, you’ll never have to feel it again.  Leave!”

Steve steps forward into him, reaching up and grabbing Danny’s chin in his hand.   “I’ll handcuff you to this fucking car if you try to do that, Danny. You don’t walk away from me.  Don’t you dare.”

Danny deflates looking into Steve’s tortured gaze.  Feels every inch of fight in him leave on his next exhale.  “Why didn’t you leave me that night, Steve?  I asked you to.  I begged you to.”

Steve’s fingers loosen on Danny’s chin until it’s less of a vice and more of a caress.  “Because I’d do anything for you.  I still would.”

“God damnit, Steve.”

“Put yourself in my shoes,” Steve says, taking his hand away and stepping back.  He holds his arms out and shakes his head.  “Would you be able to look me in the eye and see my soul bleeding and say no to me?  Leave me?”

Danny lets his eyes travel the length of Steve and knows he never, ever would.  Not in a million years.  “No.”

“Then let me work through it.”  Steve blinks and turns his head so Danny doesn’t see his own tears.  Danny sees them anyway, feels each one rip away at his heart.  “Do not leave us, Danny.  You owe me that.”

“I need you, Steve,” Danny says, trying to step closer only to watch Steve step back again, looking for all the world like a kicked animal.  “Steve, I love you.”

“Stop,” Steve says, squeezing his eyes shut.  “Just get in the car.  I need space, Danny.”

When they get back to the office Steve immediately gets into his truck and takes off fast enough that the tires practically squeal.   Danny turns to punch the nearest hard surface with a balled up right fist and just barely manages to reign it back in before he gets Chin instead.

“All right, brah,” Chin asks, putting a steadying hand on Danny’s shoulder.

Danny breathes through his nose and shuts his eyes and pitches his head forward.  “You know what?  Not even a little bit.”

Chin’s free hand clasps onto Danny’s other shoulder and he brackets Danny steady between them as Danny takes three deep breaths.  “Ignore, talk, or drink?”

Danny snorts and tilts his head up to look at Chin.  “Raincheck, buddy.  But thanks.”

Chin’s smile feels like a forgiveness that Danny’s not ready to accept and doesn’t think he even deserves, so instead he swats him gently on the hip, ducks out of his grasp, and gets into his car.

He heads home to an empty house where a spent condom still lays on the floor.

+

Danny puts down the shotglass and taps his finger on the bar for another.  “Last one,” the bartender says, but winks when he refills Danny’s shot.

“So what’s your name?”

Danny downs the shot and closes his eyes as he swallows it.   “Doesn’t matter.”

The guy has a big wide thin mouth and perfect model nose, long piano player fingers, and brown hair that falls into his face as he tilts into Danny’s personal space.  “So you’re into anonymous huh?”

“I’m into impersonal,” Danny says, putting a $20 on the bar and reaching up to run his hands through his hair.  “I’m over consequences, I’m over hurt feelings, I’m over saying I’m sorry, I’m over being the better guy.”  He meets the other guys eyes and arches his eyebrow.  “You good with that?”

“I’m good with whatever gets that mouth of yours on my cock,” he says, grinning at Danny.

Danny grins back and stands up, nodding.  


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I just wanted to let you all know that I do intend for this to have an eventual happy ending.. It's just gonna take a while to get there. Depression's not an easy fix and I feel like the shows been ignoring Danny's for a damn while now, so there's even more to "fix". Or... cope with. Thanks for reading guys!

It’s been three days and Steve’s said probably ten words to Danny and Danny’s tired of Kono and Chin’s worried glances.  He’s taken to pairing himself with Lou who keeps a running commentary on all things not personal and doesn’t look at Danny like he’s about to break.

Kono corners him at least once a day to ask him if he’s okay and he always says fine, and she never ever believes him.  Chin doesn’t ask, but offers an ear or beer at the end of every day.  It’s not that Danny doesn’t appreciate it, it’s just that Lou’s easier.  Lou is uncomplicated and steady and totally fine with Danny staring out of the window without saying anything.

“But you see, Jersey pizza you can somewhat get here, is what I’m saying,” he says Thursday afternoon on the way back from a crime scene.  “There is no approximation to Chicago pizza on these damn islands.”

“Where are you finding Jersey style pizza here, Lou,” Danny asks, finally turning to look at him.  “Closest I’ve found means it doesn’t make me want to cry, not that it’s actually legitimately anywhere near close to being the same.”

“Jersey pizza is not that sacred,” Lou says, waving a hand.

Danny snorts.  “Hey, I’ve let you rant and rave for an hour about the amazingness of Chicagoan pizza and you’re gonna shit on Jersey?”  Danny glares at him.  “Chicago pizza ain’t pizza, it’s lazagna.”

“Hey,” Lou says indignantly, pointing a finger at him.  “Whatchit!”  Lou’s hand drifts back to the wheel but he glances back at Danny after a few minutes.  “That’s the closest to a smile I’ve seen since you got back, padna.  Good to know you haven’t forgotten.”

Danny blows out a breath and closes his eyes.  “Lou.”

“I know, I know, I’m not asking,” Lou says, waving a hand.  “You wanna talk, you will.  I know that’s why you’ve been attached to my hip this past week, I’m not stupid.  I’m just saying, your smile’s not so bad kid.”

“So how’s Samantha,” Danny asks, ignoring the tension in the air and blowing right past it.  “How’s your boy?”

“They’re doing good,” Lou says. “Sam’s starting to want to push her boundaries again.  Which just about drives me crazy even though I know it’s a good sign.”

Danny nods.  “Yeah, I remember the first time Grace asked to go back to tennis lessons after she was taken.  I assigned HPD detail to her for five weeks straight.”

Lou glances at him.  “We can abuse our resources that blatantly?”  His cheek puffs up as he grins.  “Not that I’m complaining, I’m just saying I didn’t know we were allowed to do that.”

“Allowed, or did it anyway, I didn’t really pay attention,” Danny says, staring at the road ahead.  “It’s so hard to be a cop and be a dad at the same time base case muchless after something actually happens.  You know you gotta let ‘em go and do, but--”

“But I just watched a twenty three year old get zipped up in a body bag with a hole the size of Texas through her sternum,” Lou finishes.  “But yeah, sweety, sure you can go bowling with the girls.”

Danny nods.  “Just wanna handcuff ‘em to yourself 24/7.”

“Handcuff, hell,” Lou says.  “I wanna shrink mine and keep em in my pockets.”  He points at Danny and glares at him.  “You make one crack about my fat ass squashing ‘em and I will end you, boy.”

Danny actually laughs at that and it feels strange and odd and too loud.  He cuts it off quickly and resumes staring out at the road passing them by.  “Didn’t say a word.”

Lou speaks softly and Danny doesn’t turn to look at him when he says, “And that’s how I know you’re not okay.”

Danny sighs.  “Lou.”

“I’m not prying.  Just know I’m here, huh?”

Danny rolls his eyes and leans back in his seat, propping his head up against the window.  “Okay.”

“So William comes home from school yesterday talking a mile a minute, and Renee says to me, whose son is this?”  Lou laughs, reaching over to poke Danny in the knee.  “And you know she’s expecting me to say mine, because believe it or not Renee is of the mind that I don’t require much prompting to talk all by my lonesome--”

Danny smirks.  “You?  Talk?  Nah.”

“So I says to her, yessir.  All mine.  And it’s just this nonstop incessant chatter about some classroom mascot pet thing or something, did you know teachers were keeping rats in their classroom nowadays?”

“Grace’s was a rabbit,” Danny says, looking back out of the window and letting the chatter wash over him.  Lou sure doesn’t require prompting at all to go on for days.  Danny’s phone bings and he checks his messages.  “Kono says Mexican or Greek for lunch?”

“Mexican,” Lou says.  “Mm.  And tell her I want extra sopapillas this time.  Last time I got jipped.”

They get back to the office a half an hour later, Lou now talking about the intricacies of golf and Danny rolling his eyes every two minutes as appropriate to loads of taco fixings and a metric ton of sopapillas.”

“Girl, you know I love you, right,” Lou says, grabbing up a sopapilla and drizzling honey over it before stuffing the entire thing in his mouth.  “Mmm mmm.”

Kono giggles as Lou smacks a sticky kiss to her cheek.  “Danny, I got you extra queso.”

“Thanks doll,” he says with a smile and grabs two tacos, the queso Kono pointed to, and then heads to his office to eat alone.   He’s eaten every single meal alone for the past three days.

“Out of bounds,” Chin says, cutting him off and gesturing for Danny to move away from his office door, physically blocking him.  “Back it up.”

“We’ve decided you’re not going to eat in your office anymore,” Kono says, glaring at him with a pointed hand on her  hip.  “You are going to join us like a member of the human race.”

Danny glances over at Steve in the corner, who is tucking into a taco and hasn’t said one word since they arrived.   “I’ve got paperwork to file--”

“Do it later, Danny, besides I saw ants lining up next to your trashcan this morning.  No more food in the waste bins,” Steve says, not looking up.  He drizzles some hot sauce over his next taco and licks his fingers before defying the sentence that just came out of his mouth and tossing it into the garbage.   Finally he looks up at Danny and nods, his expression neutral.  “Eat out here, man.”

The silence from everyone else is fucking painful to hear because it means everyone knows that Steve’s the reason Danny’s been ducking out but Danny nods, sitting down in the chair nearest to him and placing the food on table top.  “Fine, jeez.  Didn’t know ya’ll cared so much to hear my mindless grazing noises.”

“I for one, personally, and this is just me,” Lou says, opening up a taco and drenching it with hot sauce, “would really prefer to not hear your grazing.  So mouth shut.”

Danny takes a bite of an overstuffed taco and very deliberately chews it open mouthed while looking Lou in the eye.

+

He feels the hair on the back of his neck prick up and that more than anything else tells him Steve’s just behind him.  He spills coffee on his hand and hisses out a curse, licking it off of his thumb as he turns to look.

“How are you,” Steve asks, eyes darting to the others in the other room.  They’re alone in the break room and it’s the first time Danny’s been alone with Steve since the car.

“I’m.”  Danny clears his throat, leaning back against the counter.  “I’m fine.”

Steve meets his eyes then, disbelieving.  “Liar.”

“Yeah, I’m lying, Steve,” Danny says, throwing his hands out.  “Seems to me you don’t really want to know, you’re just checking in on me out of duty.”

Steve crosses his arms in front of himself and frowns, looking at the gtound.  “It’s not out of duty, Danny, I still care if you’re okay.”

“And I said I’m fine.  I am physically just peachy,” Danny says, gesturing to himself. “Everything intact.  Emotionally I’m  a fucking wreck, I’m always a fucking wreck, I’m out of my fucking mind wrecked, Steve, but what are ya gonna do?”

Steve looks up, expression pinched.  “Danny.”

“Just.  You wanted space,” Danny says, shooing him.  “Take your space, Steve.  I’m still too broken to be around right now.”

“Danny, I want to be here for you,” Steve says, stepping closer and lowering his voice.  “I want to, but.”

“But what, Steven, what, it’s too hard for you,” Danny yells, shoving him back.  “You don’t look at me, you don’t talk to me, you don’t call, you don’t text, I don’t know if you don’t give a shit or can’t give a shit but it doesn’t matter.”  Blinking, Danny darts his eyes to the side to see Kono and Chin and Lou looking at them through the window with worried expressions.  Lowering his voice he closes his eyes and scrubs his face.  “I’ll just continue to drink myself to sleep and lick my own wounds, figure it all out on my fucking own, don’t worry about it.”

“What am I supposed to do, Danny, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!”

“Yeah, well the one person who knows how to get me through the shit I’m going through is the reason I’m going through it, Steve,” Danny hisses, poking him in the chest and walking forward.  “But he’s dead, so I’ve got you, and you’ve checked out.”

“No,” Steve hisses back, shoving Danny off of him and pointing a finger in his face.  “No, you _checked_ me out when you did what you did with zero consideration for how it might make me feel!”

“Guess what, asshole,” Danny says, throwing up his hands as Chin and Lou cautiously enter the room.  Looking over Steve’s shoulder he waves his hands.  “Don’t worry, we’re not gonna come to blows.  I’m just letting Steven know that sometimes when a person is fucking broken in half they say and do things they don’t mean,” he says, making a face and laughing as he looks back at Steve.  “You get that, _partner_?  That sometimes when a person is not fucking okay they don’t know what they’re doing until it’s too late and they can’t take it back?”

Steve squeezes his eyes shut and tucks his chin into his chest but when Danny tries to push past him he reaches out and puts  a hand on Danny’s shoulder.   Danny jerks out of his touch like it burns, because it kind of does.  Way down in the middle of his chest.  Burns like fire.  

Steve looks wounded.  “Hey.  Hey, just.  Wait a second.”

“Why don’t we just take a break from all the testosterone in this room,” Lou says, coming up by their side.  

Chin comes up on the other, and says, “Yeah, just a breather huh?  Before things are said that can’t be taken back.”

“Danny I’m sorry I can’t get past it,” Steve says softly, backing up towards the door.  “I’m trying.”  Then he turns and walks into his office as Kono comes into the room.

Danny punches the wall and then smacks the counter, sending the coffee filters skittering to the floor.  “Sorry,” he says, bending over to pick them up.  “I just.  Ya know?”

“Come get a beer with me,” Chin says, reaching over to grab Danny’s shoulder.  “Seriously man.”

“We can’t just leave at three in the afternoon,” Danny says, kicking a foot back into the cabinet and rolling his head back around in a circle, cracking his neck.

“Kono and I got this covered,” Lou says, squeezing Danny’s arm and then stepping back towards the door.  “Get outta here, collect yourself.  Have a beer or twenty.  Play some pool.”  Laughing he makes a motion like he’s throwing a dart.  “Play darts, pretend the bullseye’s McGarrett’s face.  Lord knows I feel like doing that half the time.”

Chin squeezes Danny’s shoulder and then lets him go.  “Let me finish my query, five minutes, then we’ll go.”

Danny leans back against the counter and closes his eyes, arms crossed in front of himself as he breathes deeply in and out for a good minute before he feels fingers wrap around his wrist.

“Broken?”

Danny opens his eyes to look at Kono.  “Kono.”

“You’re broken?” she repeats, hand squeezing his wrist.  It’s a small gesture but it feels so comforting he almost can’t even take it.  “What’s happening, Danny?”

“I’m not broken, I just said it like that,” Danny says, reaching over to squeeze her elbow.  “I’m okay.”  He grins at her dubious look.  “I’ll _be_ okay, okay?”

She blinks at him and steps back, looking him up and down.  “You’re lying.”

He nods.  “But eventually, I’ll be okay.  I swear.”

She studies his face a moment longer and then turns to lean against the counter next to him.  “What’s going on with you and Steve?  Do I need to kick his ass?”

He knocks his shoulder into hers.  “You know what, it’s actually not his fault.  I did it.  I’m just.  It’s easier for me to lash out.”

She nods.  “Your fault or not, you’re hurting and he’s not here for you,” she says quietly.  “Can’t think of too many things you could possibly do to warrant that.”

Danny stiffens but answers her.  “Wouldn’t you know I just happened to stumble on that one thing, Kono.”

“Still,” she says.  Then she leans over and kisses him on the cheek and squeezes his arm again.  “I’ll kick his ass anyway if you want me to.”

He finds he’s a little too close to tears to actually answer so he just grabs her arm and squeezes and then pushes her gently away, nodding at her.  He feels like she’s too close to knowing the truth when she looks into his eyes so he shifts his gaze up to the ceiling and counts the tiles until Chin comes back in to tell him he’s good to go.

+

“Wanna talk about Charlie,” Chin asks.

Danny shakes his head.

“Wanna talk about your brother?”

Danny shakes his head and downs half his bottle.

“Wanna talk about Steve,” Chin asks and Danny steals his beer after he downs his own and downs it too.  “Oooh-kay.  Wanna talk about the weather?”

Danny laughs and waves at the bartender for another round.  “Can we not,” he says finally, looking at him.  “Can we talk about anything else?  Can we talk about Abby?  How are you and Abby?”

Chin watches him and then nods.  “Okay, before I let you completely ignore everything that just happened let me just say one thing.”

Danny sighs and scrubs at his face.  “What?”

“I just want you to know that I’m here for you in whatever way you need,” Chin says.  “Yell at, yell to, laugh with, drink with.  Three in the afternoon or three in the morning.”  He taps his fingers on the bar and then taps Danny’s hand.  “I know Steve is your go to, but you’re not alone if you can’t go to him for whatever reason.”

Danny blinks past tears and stares up at the television above the bar and clears his throat.  “Thanks man.  I do know that and I really appreciate it, but Chin. I just can’t right now.  It’s too much and it’s all a jumble and it’s everything all together and all at once and I can’t parse it out and I just..  I can’t right now.”

Chin rests a hand on Danny’s shoulder and squeezes.  “Then in that case,” he says, letting his hand rub across Danny’s back comfortingly a few times before letting it drop to the back of Danny’s chair.  “Abby is kind of amazing.”

Danny quirks a smile and looks over at him.  “Yeah?  She seems great from what little I’ve gotten to know her.”

“She’s got this amazing wicked sense of humor,” Chin says with a grin.  “She’s so soft and quiet and then you go... wait a minute, did you just say that?”

Danny laughs.  “That’s the best.  Love that.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty great.”

+

When he gets home that night it’s eleven and he is happily buzzed and still grinning from a good evening with Chin of shooting the shit, shooting some pool, and talking about nothing important at all.

His phone beeps and he doesn’t notice it’s Steve until he reads it.

  * _Please don’t ever think I don’t care.  I’m as upset as I am because I care, Danny.  Don’t ever doubt that I love you.  I really am trying.  I’m just so angry right now that you could do that to me.  To us.  I know that’s not fair, I just am._



And his good mood is gone, just like that.

He doesn’t answer until 1am, after half a bottle of whiskey.

  * **_You told me you hated me, Steve.  You know what’s going on with me, you’re the only one who knows, and you’re holding my weakest, shittiest moment of my life against me.  I love you possibly more than anything in my fucking life, and you hate me._**
  * _I’m sorry Danny._
  * **_Fuck you._**



He throws his phone across the room and falls asleep on his couch with the pillow thrown over his head.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I see, you’re one of those self-hating fags that thinks it’s only gay if you cuddle after. Gotcha.”

_Sometimes you have a dream and you think you may be dreaming.  You’re not sure, it could be real, it could be a dream.   You don’t say anything because if it’s real, if it’s actually happening, then you’re the crazy one._

_Sometimes though, you **know** you’re dreaming, because you’re playing Go Fish with two dead guys, one with a bullet in his head and the other a slit in his throat from one ear to the other._

_“Do you got any three’s big brother?”_

_Danny blinks and looks at Matt, skin a sickly yellow but still Matty, still that smile, still that twinkle in his eye.  Just maybe been indoors too long.  Just maybe not recovered from mono like he had in the third grade when he was down for three months.  Just, maybe less him than he had been.  Skinnier.  Calmer.  Less Matty._

_“Th…”  Danny swallows and looks down at the gash in Matt’s throat, clean, straight.  Like someone was trying to decapitate him.  Rip him apart.  Put him in a barrel.  “Three’s?”_

_“Yeah, comes after two, before four,” Marco Reyes says from the left, cigar hanging out of his mouth, blood dripping down his forehead from the bullet hole Danny put there.  It drips to his nose into his mouth and he just grins around the cigar.  “If you don’t got what he’s asking for maybe your friend Chin does.”_

_“What kinda name is that anyway, Danny, I don’t know these people you’re hanging out with these days,” Matt says, drumming his fingers on the table.  “Chin.  Kono.  Kamekona.  What ever happened to nice, easy, strong names like Jonathan?  Michael?  Sam?”_

_Marco quirks an eyebrow up.  “Charlie’s a nice name.”_

_“Shut up,” Danny says, shutting his eyes and thinking wake up.  Wake up.  Wake the fuck up._

_“A nice, good, strong name.  Don’t you think so Danny?  Do you think it’s strong enough?  You think he’ll pull through,” Marco continues, and Danny doesn’t have to look at him to see the smirk or hear his sick twisted amusement.  “Think your marrows’ enough for him?”_

_Matt reaches over and grabs Danny’s hand and Danny’s eyes fly open because he can feel that.  He can feel it.  “Don’t worry, bro, I’ll take care of him if he shows up here.  He’ll be with family.”_

_“Matty please,” Danny says with his heart in his throat.  “Don’t.  Don’t say that.”_

_“Where’s your back up,” Marco asks, ashing his cigar on the floor, pressing his foot against Danny’s ass as he props it in his chair.  “Your little friend the Navy SEAL that you brought to hold your hand in Columbia.  Why isn’t he here?”_

_“I came alone,” Danny says, feeling in a fog.  Feeling like he’s going to cry, but can’t.  Like he’s going to vomit, but can’t.  Like he’s going to rage and scream and hit and run, but can’t.  “I’m alone.  I’m all alone.  I’m always alone.”_

_“And you always will be,” Matt says, hitting Danny on the forehead with his handful of cards.  “Three’s, dude.  You got ‘em?”_

_Danny hands over the three three’s he has.  “Here.  Yours now.  That’s all I have.  I gave you everything.”_

_Matt frowns at him, frown lines etched into the creases of his eyes, around his mouth.  “Well don’t you just always come through, big brother.  Danny to the rescue.  Always the cavalry.”_

_“You asked,” Danny says, flinching at the anger popping in Matt’s eyes.  “Matty, you asked me for them!”_

_“Danny Do Right, Danny the Golden Boy,” Matt says, throwing his cards down.  “Stay Gold, Pony Boy, Sodapop always was good for nothing right?”_

_“Don’t worry, Matty, he’s not always so golden,” Marco says, shit eating grin eating a hole through Danny’s soul.  “He didn’t save you.  Didn’t give enough of a shit to save you.  Not so golden in my book.”_

_“Yeah, I mean you shot me and chopped me up,” Matt says, looking from Danny to Marco and then back again.  “But you just left me out here by myself, Danny.  How could you do that?  You always came back for me, man.  You always came back.”_

_“Matty don’t, that’s not fair, you left, I tried, I tried my best to--”_

_“You never loved me at all, did you big brother?  Aren’t you supposed to protect me?”_

_“Matty.”_

_“I’m in a barrel, Danny,” Matt yells, pointing to the big blue barrel in the corner of the room.  “I’m in a fucking barrel because you let me go and you never fucking looked for me, not even once!”_

_Danny can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, there’s no air in the room.  He shoves away from the table and falls to the floor, reaches out for Matt but can’t grab his hand._

_He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe._

_He can’t fucking breathe._

  
  


“Hey, hey, hey, chill man, hey, it’s a dream man, come on.”

Danny sits bolt upright, flinging the covers off of himself.  He smacks the hand off of him.  “What.”  Blinking away the image of Marco’s sick fucking twisted grin he tries to see the figure next to him in bed in the moonlight.  “Tristan?”

“Christian.”

“Right,” Danny says, reaching up to scrub at his face.  “Why are you still here?”

“Uh wow.  You got a great bedside manner there, Danny.”

Danny wracks his brain,trying to remember why in the world he told this guy his real name.   “Yeah.  I’m an asshole.  Could you leave now?”

“Are you okay?  You seemed to be having a really awful dream there.”

Danny grits his teeth at the hand on his shoulder.  “Did i ask for sympathy?  No. I believe I asked for you to get the fuck out.”

“Okay,” the guy says, jumping up out of the bed and angrily yanking on his jeans, Danny’s alarm clock clattering to the carpeted floor as Christian loses his balance and bangs into the nightstand. “I see, you’re one of those self-hating fags that thinks it’s only gay if you cuddle after.  Gotcha.”

“No, as a matter of fact, I’m not a self-hating fag,” Danny growls at him, flipping on the light so the guy will stop banging into shit in his room.  He blinks into the harsh amber glow and remembers how beautiful Christian is with his dirty blonde long hair and green eyes.  Young too.  Younger than he remembers thinking.  “Just general self-hatred.”

Christian blinks at him and pulls his shirt on over his head.  “Well take it out on yourself there buddy, not the guy who just had your dick in his mouth.”

“Sorry,” Danny says, burying his head in his hands and actually feeling remorse.  “I’m sorry, please.  Just.  Leave, please.  I’m sorry, please leave.”

“A+ for fucking, F- for attitude dude,” Christian says, slamming his feet into his sandals and zipping up his jeans.  “Next bar you see me in, don’t bother asking.”  Hesitating, he turns around in the doorway to look at him.  “Shame too.  Your ass is hot.”

Danny feels bile rise in his throat and swallows as he watches Christian slam the bedroom door behind him and waits to hear him slam out of the house.  It’s not until he hears his car start up that he gets up to make sure nothing’s missing and that his door is locked.

Never again, Danny thinks.  Never again at this house.

+

“I have salads, lasagna that I have been assured is not horrible, and the really good rolls,” Kono says at 11:30, kicking Danny’s office door closed behind her.  “You and me got a date, Williams.”

Danny looks up at her and smiles at the way she’s really, really struggling to carry the four bags and two drinks.  Standing he takes the drinks from her and one of the bags.  “This is a lot of food for a lunch date for two, Kono.”

“You skipped breakfast, and that’s unheard of when Chin brings cocoa puffs,” she says, unpacking the bags.  “Besides, leftovers.”

Danny can smell the marinara and it actually smells pretty damn fantastic to him.  He opens the bag nearest him and breathes it in slowly.  He closes his eyes and his smile widens.  “Mmm.  Well they got the smell right anyway.”

“Try this shit,” Kono says, stuffing a piece of bread in his mouth when he opens his mouth to say thanks.  “Best rolls ever.”

He nods, chewing and rescuing the large portion of bread he’s unable to chew in one bite from falling to the floor.  “I may even agree if you hadn’t assaulted me with it.”

She just grins at him and stuffs the entire roll into her own mouth in one go.

“So what, do you need a favor?  Did you do something wrong?  Did you blow something up?”  Danny fixes her with a glare.  “Do you want me to do your paperwork for the thing Tuesday with the thing with the twins?”

“Oh, no, I’ve actually gotten pretty good at diplomatic license with descriptions,” Kono says with a flick of her hand.  “I’ve been studying your paperwork for years, Danny.”

He laughs.  “Of all the things I’ve tried to instill in you one law enforcement officer to another, bullshitting the paperwork was low on the list.”

“And yet, just as necessary a skill to have,” she says, propping her feet on his desk as she rests the salad container on her knees and stirs the dressing around.  “And I don’t have a reason other than one friend treating another friend nicely.”

“Kono, come on, what is this?”

“Nothing Danny, I just know you like good Italian so when I passed by Mama T’s I stopped in because Kamekona once told me they had killer lasagna.”  She shrugs.  “That’s all.”

“I can’t help but think there’s some sort of--”

Kono’s grin fades. “Fine, you want me to spell it out?  You’re broken.”  He gestures at him.  “You said it, not me.  And you can say you’re fine every day until you’re blue in the face, but the fact is a couple days ago you said you were, and I quote, broken in half.  That is not okay.  I am not okay with that.”

He closes his eyes, the ranch suddenly too tangy, the croutons too crunchy.  “I’m not.  Kono, you know I exaggerate when I’m upset, I’m prone to hyperbole--”

“Listen, normally I let you slide by, okay?  Normally I’ll just let you go with a bold faced lie like I’m fine or nothing’s wrong, or it’s all good, but.  Danny?  You’ve been coming in the past week like this withdrawn version of yourself and you have bags under your eyes and you look hung over every single morning like you’ve been up half the night drinking and you eat every meal in your office alone, when you eat at all, and you and Steve aren’t talking so much as holding yourselves back from murdering each other and…”  She takes a deep breath, spreading her hands out.  “Are you getting this?  Are you understanding?  Because I don’t know what to do here except to let you know I’m here if you need me and keep asking you if you’re okay to let you know that I’m noticing and maybe feed you some fucking comfort food because maybe it’s the only thing comforting you’ll allow us to give you.”

“Wow,” Danny says, swallowing his bite of salad without chewing.  “That’s uh.  That’s a lot for some noodles and marinara to say.”

She blows out a breath and lets her feet fall from his desk.  “Just.  Can you just stop saying you’re fine when you’re not?  I’m not stupid or blind and I’m not even saying you have to talk about it with me, but please stop lying.”

He sighs and stick his fork in his salad, putting it back on his desk.  “Kono.”

Kono sighs, rubbing at her face.  “Danny please don’t blow it off.”

“Fine, you’re right, I’m not fine at all,” he says finally, looking at her until she blinks and looks back.  “I’m drinking too much because I don’t sleep, I  _ can’t _ sleep unless I drink enough to pass out half the time, and even then the nightmares wake me up.  And there’s a lot.  A lot more than that and I’m not prepared to get into it, but no, I’m not fine.  But I don’t know how to say that, okay?  I don’t know how to look at you at 10 o’clock in the morning and say no, in fact, I’m not okay because my life fucking sucks right now and I kind of just want to lay down on the floor and curl up in the fetal position and never fucking wake up.”

As soon as it’s out of his mouth he wants to take it back, eat his words and never, ever say them again, because it’s just a little too close to the truth.  It’s a little too close to exactly what he wants to do every single second of every single day and looking into Kono’s eyes as she blinks back tears lets him know that she knows exactly how true it is, and he wants to take it all back.

“Danny.”

“But thank you,” he says, clearing his throat and picking back up his salad.  “For caring.  For being here.  For asking.  And for feeding me.”  He smiles at her and it’s a real smile, even if he can tell he’s not really pulling it off that well.  “It means a lot, okay?  It helps.”

“It’s the really good rolls,” Kono says quietly.

Danny laughs and takes another bite of the roll, chewing slowly and thoughtfully.  “Yeah, babe, you know on second thought, these just may be the best rolls I’ve ever had.”

+

“Dan-no!”

Danny throws his hands up. “Listen, Monkey, how many times have I told you I suck at this?”

“I mean, haven’t you ever colored in a coloring book,” Grace complains, lifting her hand and scraping the nail polish off of her cuticle.  “It’s not so hard to color inside the lines, dummy.”

Danny’s mouth flattens in a line and he carefully puts the applicator back into the nail polish and screws it shut.  “Okay, you know what?  Do it yourself.”

He stands and walks into the kitchen to grab a beer out of the fridge.  Shutting the door he jumps slightly at the sight of Grace standing on the other side of it, blinking at him.  “Dad?”

“You startled me Grace, I’m gonna put a bell around your neck,” he says, twisting the top off and walking around the counter to start working on the dishes in the sink.  

“I was just teasing you,” she says, a tone of uncertainty in her voice. “I always tease you about staying inside the lines.  It’s like.  Our thing.  You paint my nails and I make fun of how badly you do it.”

He doesn’t turn around, instead looking outside the kitchen window to watch the neighbor’s German Shepherd chase a possum out of their yard.  “I know.  I guess I’m just not in a nail painting mood, honey.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you, Daddy.”

The Daddy is what makes him turn around.  At thirteen it’s only rarely that Grace puts that last -dy on the end of his name.  When she’s pleading for her way, when she’s really excited, or when she’s actually upset.  “I know that sweetie, I just had a long day, okay?”

“Okay,” she says, biting her lip and looking away, voice soft.  “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, none of that,” Danny says, pushing away from the sink and coming around the island to put his hands on her shoulders.  “I’m definitely not putting up with the sulking.  Just because your Dad’s an ass tonight doesn’t mean you get to go and be sad, and apologize for things you didn’t do, okay?”

She looks up at him, amusement twinkling in her eyes despite her uncertainty.  “Did you just call yourself an ass?”

“Which doesn’t mean you can,” he says, pointing a finger in her face and wagging it.  “But yes.  Yes I did.”

She steps forward and gives him a hug and he closes his eyes and wraps his arms around her.  “Can I help?”

“Me be an ass?  No, I think I got that covered all on my own, baby.”

She giggles and smacks his sides.  “No, can I help make you feel better.  I can tell you some jokes.  Tommy told me some jokes the other day at recess.”

Danny pushes her back and gives her a look.  “Is this the same paranoid, conspiracy theorist Tommy from second grade?”

She rolls her eyes.   “Not all Tommy’s are stupid Daddy.”

“I don’t know, it seems to be a common trait,” he says, cocking his hip and leaning against the counter.  “Let’s hear ‘em then.  What are these jokes Tommy’s telling you?”

She bites her lip and grins.  “What’s a father?”

Danny closes his eyes.  “I’m not going to like this Tommy either.”

“A banker provided by nature.”

Danny lets out a surprised laugh.  “Okay that was pretty good.”  He motions his hand.  “Next.”

She thinks.  “How do you make one disappear?”

“One what?”

She glares at him.  “Just… One Dad, how do you make ONE disappear.”

He holds his hands up, laughing.  “Sorry, I forgot.  We don’t question the logistics of jokes.”

She nods.  “Add a G to the beginning and make it Gone.”  She wrinkles her nose.  “That one’s kind of lame, but he said he said it cuz my name was G.  It was cute when he said it.”

He frowns at her.  “Is this Tommy hitting on you, Grace?”

She rolls her eyes.  “Well yeah, Dad.”

“Hey,” he says, shoving her shoulder.  “What are you doing repeating some jerks lameass pickup lines at your father?”

She laughs and shoves him back.  “Okay one more, then your turn.”

He nods.  “Okay.”

“What did the lawyer name his daughter?”  Grace’s smile turned up twenty percent.  “Sue.”

Danny laughed, flipping her hair off her shoulder.  “You’re actually pretty good at telling jokes sweety.  Nice delivery.”

“Uncle Matty taught me about timing, remember,” she says, leaning on the counter and grinning up at him.  “Remember how I used to always trample on the punchline?  He told me you have to wait, count to three Mississippi's and then whammo, wack ‘em over the head with the funny.”

“Wow,” Danny says, his heart thudding in his chest as he tried to school his expression and catch his breath.  “That’s a good memory baby.  You were what, eight?”

“Yeah, it was why was 6 afraid of 7, because 7… and then you pause, and then… 8, 9!”  Grace said, laughing and making a drumroll with her hands.  “Bah dum bum.”

Danny turns and walks back around the island to go grab his beer so Grace doesn’t see that he needs a damn minute to gather himself together and not fucking puke that his daughter has such a sweet and strong memory of Matt from years and years and years ago when he can’t even stand to think of him without it breaking his heart.

“It’s your turn.”

Taking a pull on his beer he turns back to look at her.  “What sweetie?”

“Your turn to tell me a joke.”

He nods, crossing his arms.  “Where do pencils go for vacation?”

Grace rolls her eyes.  “Pencil-vania, Dad.”

“Crap, told you that one, huh,” he says, rolling his eyes up.  “Hm.”

“Laaaaaame, Dad.  You always have jokes.”

“Gimme a second,” he says, throwing his hands out.  “Okay, how do you make a tissues dance?”

She snorts.  “What?  I mean how.”

“You put a little boogie in it.”

She covers her face.  “Oh my god.  My Dad is the lamest ever.”

“What did 0 say to 8?”  Danny darts forward and pokes Grace in the tummy.  “Nice belt.”

“Dad no, you used to be cool, what happened?”

“You know, it’s going to be a hell of allot easier for me to be funny to you again when you’re older,” he grumbles.  “If I tell you a  _ real _ joke, I’ll scar you.”

“Dan-no,” she wheedles, rolling her eyes. “I’m thirteen!”

“Guy walks into a bar wearing glass pants,” Danny says, crossing his arms and giving her an evil grin.  “Bartender says, I can clearly see your nuts.”

Grace’s mouth hangs open and Danny cracks up laughing.  “Okay.  Okay I’m not old enough.”

Danny laughs even harder.  “That was Matty’s favorite joke, ever.”

She smiles.  “Was it?”

He nods.  “Anything to do with nuts.  Or getting hit in them.”

She laughs.  “Okay, maybe it’s not so gross then.”

He puts a hand on her shoulder and squeezes it.  “Let’s go watch a movie, hon.”

She frowns at him in confusion.  “But it’s a school night.  You don’t let me watch movies at..”  She looks at the oven.  “9 o’clock on a school night.”

“Charlie’s asleep already, he can’t tell on us.  I’m making up for being lame, and for being an ass earlier,” he says, pulling out the mint chocolate chip icecream and two spoons from the drawer.  “I’ll even try and hold my comments to a minimum if you choose Twighlight.”

Her eyes widen to saucers.  “You’ll let me watch Twilight?  You told me two years ago never again!”

“Don’t question me too hard,” he says, poking her in the forehead with a spoon.  “I’m being magnanimous.”

A huge part of him wants to grab his phone and text Matty during the movie.   _ Gracie knows how to tell jokes because of you _ , he wants to say.  His fingers itch with the need, and it doesn’t seem to matter at all that Matt’s dead, Danny still wants to do it. 

Instead he buries his nose in Grace’s hair and wills the tears he can feel building up in his throat to stay back and watches stupid vampire kids sparkle in the sun.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No, I’m not hungry,” Charlie says, and then shoves the plate away. It would have wound up on the floor except Grace reaches out and catches it easily. “Stupid Grace.”

“What’s the matter, buddy?” Danny frowns down at Charlie’s full plate of breakfast and then looks back at his, half gone. “Don’t like waffles?”

“Waffles are the best,” Charlie says, and pokes a fork into his plate and smears syrup all over the plate until it’s dripping on the table. He doesn’t take a bite though, instead sticking his chin into his fisted hand and poking his lips out in a pout.

“Do you…” Danny frowns at Grace, making a questioning look.

“He hates strawberries,” Grace says, nodding at Charlie’s plate and then reaching over and stabbing a strawberry off of it and chomping down on it. She grins at him. “But they’re my favorite.”

“Who the heck doesn’t like strawberries,” Danny says, lowering his face to look into Charlie’s eyes. He quirks an eyebrow up. “What kind of silly, silly boy doesn’t like strawberries?”

“Mommy knows I don’t like strawberries,” Charlie says, looking up at him. “Daddy knows too. Everybody knows, why don’t you?”

It’s amazing the way a tiny little dude can take a fucking samurai to your gut without even trying to. “Hey, I’m sorry buddy. I’m learning.” He puts his fork down and reaches over for Charlie’s plate. “I’ll make you another--”

“No, I’m not hungry,” Charlie says, and then shoves the plate away. It would have wound up on the floor except Grace reaches out and catches it easily. “Stupid Grace.”

“Hey,” Danny says.

“That’s not nice, Charlie,” Grace says, giving him an arched eyebrow. “Apologize.” Danny blinks. He’s never heard his daughter sound authoritative before. It’s both impressive and terrifying.

“Sorry Gracie,” Charlie says, his lower lip protruding more.

“See, everything’s okay now,” Danny says, standing and collecting Charlie’s plate, dumping the untouched waffle and strawberries onto his own plate. “Just give Daddy a few minutes to--”

“You’re not Daddy, you’re Danno,” Charlie yells, and slams a hand down on the table. “And I want pancakes!”

“O… okay, pal,” Danny says, blinking down at the counter top. “Well I don’t know if I have--”

“Stop being a little brat, Charlie,” Grace spits out.

“Grace,” Danny says, looking at her.

“What? He is! If I said that to you you’d ground me to next week! And also, since when do we get to choose our breakfast, you eat what I give you or you go hungry, remember? How many times have you said that to me?”

Danny shakes his head, slicing a hand through the air. “Gracie, don’t talk to your brother like that. If he does something that I need to address, I will address it.”

“No you won’t,” Grace yells, standing up and pushing her hair back off of her shoulders, picking up their plates and throwing them in the sink. “You never do! Charlie never does anything wrong, you’re too busy trying to make him love you to tell him when he’s being a little jerk!”

Danny blinks at her and she blinks right back, and then she storms out of the room leaving nothing but a lingering scent of something that smells like a mixture of flowers and sugar. He steadies himself on the counter because he feels like the burst of her speed is going to pull him down to the floor.

“Danno, what’s a brat?”

Danny swallows and looks up at him. “When someone’s not being very nice to someone that’s being nice to them. When they’re not being thankful or fair.” Clearing his throat and goes and sits at the table and looks at Charlie. “Do you know why Grace said that?”

Charlie shrugs. “Because I was pouting. Mommy says pouting is not acceptable.”

“It’s because I made you a nice breakfast, and I didn’t remember that you hated strawberries, but if I had I wouldn’t have given them to you.” He sits back in his chair. “You should say thank you when someone does something nice for you. Even if it’s not what you want. Because.” Danny shakes his head, completely at a loss and not knowing if he’s handling this at all okay in the slightest. “Because you’re thanking them for doing it for you. For _wanting_ you to be happy.”

Charlie’s eyes fill up with tears and Danny feels like he could just rip his own face off it would stop them from spilling over. “I’m sorry, Danno. I’m sorry I don’t like strawberries.”

“Hey, hey, no,” Danny says, reaching over and putting his hand on Charlie’s shoulder. He starts to wipe away Charlie’s tear but Charlie just looks at him big eyed and nervous and instead he tightens his grip on Charlie’s arm. “Hey buddy, no, Danno’s not mad okay? I’m not mad about the strawberries. I don’t like everything either. It’s okay to hate strawberries. Just say it nicely, okay? We don’t throw plates and yell, okay? That’s all I meant.”

“Okay,” Charlie says, nodding and sniffling pitifully. “Hey Danno?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m hungry.”

Danny laughs and stands. “Tell you what, I don’t have pancakes, but why don’t I make you another waffle in the magical toaster okay? And we’ll have pancakes next time.” He points at him. “No strawberries.”

“Can I have peanut butter?”

Danny grabs a waffle from the Eggo’s bag and frowns at Charlie. “Peanut butter?”

Charlie grins hugely and nods animatedly. “Waffles and peanut butter are the best ever, Danno. Better than everything!”

Danny smiles when Charlie giggles and reaches into the cabinet to grab the peanut butter. “I still don’t know how you eat peanut butter with a waffle. Do you dip it?”

“Like a sandwich,” Grace says from the doorway. “The waffle’s the bread.”

Danny looks up at her and sees tears in her eyes and thinks, _what the hell is with my life?_ “There’s too many tears for 6 o’clock in the morning,” he says gruffly, blinking away his own. “What’s with that?”

He expects Grace to laugh but instead she bursts into tears and hugs him. “I’m sorry.”

“Grace, hey, what’s happening here?”

“I’m sorry, it just sucks, and he’s hurting your feelings, and you’re letting him, and it just sucks,” she says, hugging him tightly.

“Aw, baby, I’m okay, he didn’t hurt my feelings.”

Grace pulls back and gives him a look. It’s pretty much like looking in a mirror. “Dad.”

“Okay, he didn’t _mean_ to hurt my feelings, babe,” he says, smacking her side lightly. “Come on, cheer up monkey. It’s… it’s complicated, but we’ll make it work, right?”

“Sometimes I really hate Mom for what she did to you,” Grace says softly, so softly Danny’s not even sure he heard her correctly except for how her eyes fill with fresh tears. “Sometimes, when he hurts your feelings like he did today... I hate Charlie too.”

Danny pulls her back into his arms and squeezes the life out of her. “That is so fucked up, sweetie,” he says, and then laughs when she laughs, which is precisely why he cursed to begin with. “Listen to me.” He pulls back and frames her face with his hands. “You being upset on my behalf is so sweet, and I love you for that, okay? But it is not okay for you hate your mother. This is so complicated, and messed up, and I’m so sorry we’re putting you through this, but your mother loves you.”

“You would never, ever do something like this to her,” Grace says, pulling back and angrily wiping away her tears. “Not ever, Dad. I don’t even know who she is anymore.”

Danny thinks he should argue with that. Defend Rachel somehow. Tell Grace she’s wrong, that her mother is a beautiful, kind-hearted person. And he even thinks that’s true, despite everything that’s gone on the past few years, but he doesn’t know how to defend her from this. He doesn’t know how to defend this lie, this mistake, because he still can’t forgive it himself.

“I don’t know baby. Maybe that’s something you have to talk to her about, huh?” He wipes her tears away and brushes her hair away from her face. “But you just know that your mother and I might be complete and utter jerks to each other sometimes, but we love you more than anything in the entire universe, okay? We love you more than everything.”

The waffle catapults out of the toaster with a ding and Charlie shouts from across the room, abandoning the toy cars he’d started pushing around. “Waffles and peanut butter, waffles and peanut butter!”

Grace snorts and cuts the waffles in half as Danny opens the peanut butter. She dips the knife into the peanut butter and schmears it heavily on top and then mushes the two halves together. “Come and get it Charlie Monster.”

“Monsterrrrrr,” Charlie yells, charging across the room and headbutting into Danny’s stomach. He giggles up at him as Danny lets out a surprised oof. “Monster Danno!”

Danny growls at him and reaches over to tickle him, and Charlie giggles high pitched and uncontrollable. The ability to be pissed off and devastated one minute and carefree and giggling the next is something only able to be achieved by those under the age of five, and it’s a shame.

Charlie’s still munching on his waffle when Rachel arrives to pick them up.

+

Steve grabs the towel off the back of his chair and absently runs it over the back of his head and over his chest before draping it over his back. “How long you been here?”

“It’s eight o’clock so about forty five minutes,” Danny says, taking a sip of his coffee and staring out at the ocean. “How many miles do you think that was?”

“Usually do about three,” Steve says, sitting down in the chair by Danny, also staring out at the ocean.

Danny nods and holds out the McDonalds bag of egg burritos, pretty surprised when Steve actually takes one and starts eating it. “Do you want me to go?”

Steve huffs out a sigh and Danny’s fingers tighten on the armrest of the chair. “Danny, you’re always welcome in my home.”

Danny laughs, the little bit of waffle and one egg burrito he’d managed to eat not sitting well in his belly. The coffee that tasted fine ten minutes ago now tastes like vinegar. “Is this what welcome feels like? Like walking on eggshells in twenty degrees below zero? Hate to see what unwelcome feels like.”

“Danny.”

“I meant from the team,” Danny says, finally looking over at Steve’s profile. “Do you want me to go from the team.”

“What?” Steve’s face contorts in confusion as he finally meets Danny’s eyes. “No! Why would I want you… Danny you’re my _partner_. I can’t do this without you.”

Danny closes his eyes and feels tears threatening to come out so he opens them again and clears his throat. “It’s been a week, Steve. A week. We don’t talk anymore.”

“I’ve tried, Danny. You lashed out at me.”

“Because you won’t look at me,” Danny says, staring at the churning waves in the surf. White caps busting up in the shallows. “You don’t stand next to me, you don’t bump my shoulder when I’m fussing too much, you don’t nod at me when Jerry says something stupid, you don’t grin when Chin and Abby utterly fail to remain professional. You don’t put your hand on my shoulder just to let me know you’re fucking there anymore.”

Steve hangs his head between his hands and massages his temples. “Danny I swear I’m not doing this to hurt you.”

“Then why are you?” Danny stands and walks forward so Steve doesn’t see the tears falling down his face even if he can’t hide them from his voice. “Why are you doing this to me if you don’t want to hurt me?”

“Because it was just so ugly, Danny,” Steve says miserably. Voice muffled by his hands. “I’m sorry, but it won’t fucking leave me. I can’t stop thinking about it, feeling it. It was just so fucking ugly.”

Danny laughs, rolling his eyes up to the sky. ”But it wasn’t for me, Steve. It wasn’t ugly for me. And I’m sorry it was for you, but for me it was a fucking kindness.” He glances back at him. “For me it was. I don’t even know, I just. I needed to feel.” He reaches up and scrubs at his face. “I’m just, I’m sorry, okay? I love you, and I’m so fucking sorry, I wish I could take it back, I wish you wouldn’t have stayed.”

“I love you too, Danny.”

“What’s ugly,” Danny says, walking away just slightly, leaning into the wind and feeling the mist of the sea coat his face, "is a stranger in a bathroom. That’s ugly. That’s hollow. Going into a bar and drinking until I fucking forget how lonely I am and fucking some stranger in the bathroom. Taking them home with me and not remembering his name when I wake up at three am and he hasn’t left yet. That’s ugly, Steven.”

“Danny.” The horror in Steve’s voice is enough to make Danny decide he’s really not ready to see his face right now. “Danny, please tell me you’re not... You’re not actually...”

“You do it to strangers, not people you love, you said,” Danny says quietly. “You said that.”

Steve’s hand is strong on his arm and he yanks him around to face him, mouth an angry line but eyes terrified. “Danny what the fuck are you saying? What are you doing? Why are you doing this?!”

“I need to feel something,” Danny shouts, his hands spreading wide. “I feel like I’m fucking dying here man! I can’t feel anything good anymore. Nothing. Nothing is fun anymore. Nothing is funny. When I smile, I don’t mean it. When I laugh, it doesn’t get past my chest. I feel like the second I start to feel something positive I can hear Matty cursing me out because he never gets to laugh again, he never gets to feel anything ever again. Every time something makes me laugh, makes me forget for one second, that Charlie’s gonna wind up back in the hospital because I don’t…” He blinks, sucking in a sharp breath, "... love him enough. Because I don’t love him enough, Steve, I don’t even know if I fucking love him at all!”

Steve’s other hand is on Danny’s shoulder now and squeezing and Danny still feels like he’s going to spin out. “What are you talking about, of course you love Charlie.”

“Do I? I didn’t a few months ago. I didn’t know I was supposed to love him a few months ago. I don’t love him as much as I love Grace, Steve, what the fuck kind of person am I?” He feels like he’s going to hyperventilate and his fingers dig in Steve’s shirt like maybe that can help him get grounded but it doesn’t. “I love Grace with every fiber of my being, Steve, every fucking inch of me, but with Charlie it’s… with Charlie I… I think I love him, but God, it’s not the same, I don’t know how to be with him, I don’t know how to talk to him or when it’s okay to hug him or fuss at him or any of it! I’m a horrible, horrible father, Steven, I’m a horrible--”

“No,” Steve says, and then he’s grabbing Danny’s face in his hands and forcing him to look at him. “No, Danny, you _are_ _not_ a terrible father. You are not. Of course you love Grace more, Danny. You’ve loved her since she existed, you’ve loved her as a bump in her mom’s belly, when she was born, as she grew. You had a hand in it, you were a part of it. Of _course_ you feel like you love her more. Buddy, Charlie represents a lot of horrible things, and I’m sorry he does, but it makes sense. It’s makes sense that you’re struggling with him.”

“He’s a baby, Steve. Barely three years old. He doesn’t deserve all this shit that’s being put on him. He deserves better than I’m able to give him.”

“Listen to me, because I fucking know you, okay,” Steve says, his hands sliding back down to Danny’s shoulders. “And you love your son. There are no half measures with you, okay Danny? You are an amazing father, and you’re struggling because Rachel fucking _lied_ to you. For years. And it’s perfectly fucking understandable, okay? It’s understandable that you’re having to navigate your way through this and that you’re going to stumble your way through part of it, okay? That’s expected.”

“I am so alone,” Danny says, and he hates that his voice trembles like this, hates that tears fall, but can’t help it anymore than he can help needing to breathe to keep living. “My house fucking echoes, Steven. It echoes.”

“You’re not alone.” Steve closes his eyes and shakes Danny slightly. “You have me. I’m… I’m trying, Danny, I want to be over this… but you have me. You’ll always have me. Always, do you hear me?”

“I don’t have you,” Danny says, shoving at Steve’s chest. “I don’t, you’re not there!”

“You have Kono,” Steve whispers. “You have Chin and Lou. You have us. All of us.”

“But I need you,” Danny sobs, pulling Steve closer, hand coming up to brush the side of Steve’s face even as Steve stiffens. “Steve, I need _you_.”

Steve reaches up and takes Danny’s hand in his own, pulling it down but not letting go. “Not like this, Danny. I need you to stop.”

He says it softly and he doesn’t let go of Danny’s hand but Danny still feels it like daggers in his heart, like Steve picked him up and bodily heaved him into a pit filled with knives.

“I shouldn’t have come here. I don’t know why I told you all of this.” Danny lets go of Steve and pulls his hand back, stepping backwards a few steps and turning towards the ocean. “This isn’t your problem anymore. I’ll see you at the office.”

“Danny.”

Danny shakes his head and jerks his arm out of Steve’s grasp as he reaches for him again. “I’ll just see you at work, Steve. Partner. _Buddy_.”

He walks past Steve and completely ignores the wetness on Steve’s cheeks as well.

+

“Do you have the kids tonight?”

Danny blinks and looks over at Lou. They’ve been driving down the H1 for a good fifteen minutes without a word. Lou’s voice is a loud interruption to the silence. “What?”

“Grace and Charlie,” Lou says, with more patience than probably is warranted. Danny’s been out of it all damn day. “Do you have them tonight. Tuesdays, Thursdays, and alternate weekends?”

“Oh,” Danny says, frowning. “No, I don’t have them, Grace has some kind of study group thing tonight so we switched this week’s days up.” Danny scrubs at his face and leans his chair back. “Tell you the truth it’s probably better I don’t. Not very fun for them.”

“Wow,” Lou says, giving him a look. “That’s uh.. That’s a first for you isnt it? I thought you lived for your days with your kids.”

Danny sighs. “I do Lou it’s just… I’m not sleeping that well. And I‘m just not sure I’m the most fun guy to be around these days.”

Lou nods. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

Danny rolls his eyes up to the ceiling. “Lou, will you just… come on.”

Lou pulls into a parking lot, puts the car in park, turns the engine off, and turns to look at Danny. “What do you need, son?”

Danny looks around. “Why are we--”

“Danny. What do you need?”

Danny frowns and looks at him. ”What do I need? I need you to tell me why we’re parked on the side of the road for no reason at all, I need you to tell me why we’re not heading to our crime scene.”

“What do you need to get your head on right,” Lou asks, arching an eyebrow at him. “You need someone that won’t judge to talk to? A homecooked meal or two? You need to check into a rehab?”

Danny jerks his head back. “Rehab?”

Lou shrugs. “The whiskey. Brother I can smell it on you. You may not be drinking on the job but you’re sweating on it.”

Danny laughs, crossing his arms over his chest. “I don’t need rehab, Lou.”

“Look I’m not saying you do,” Lou says, spreading his hands. “God knows I’ll swallow a tumbler or two of scotch when the need arises. No judgement here. But you’re not right Danny.” Lou nods and waits a moment for Danny to look over at him. “I know it, you know it, the whole team knows it. Everyone’s walking around on eggshells about it and that’s all nice and courteous and everything, but that ain’t gonna fix shit.”

Danny worries his bottom lip and then uncrosses his arms. “Lou, listen, I don’t want to get into it.”

“I don’t need to know what’s going on with you unless you want me to, Danny,” Lou says, leaning back against the door. “But I do need to know what you need me to do to help you get right.”

There’s a moment where Danny almost loses it. Where he almost throttles Lou, punches him in the face, screams at him to mind his own damn business. Tells him to fuck off, just fucking get the hell away from him, take his folksy charm and wisdom and get to stepping.

Instead he feels moved, and has to take a deep breath to steady himself. “If I knew I’d do it, Lou. Swear to God.”

Lou continues to look at him and Danny feels it like little pin pricks all over him. Like Lou’s picking and sorting through his brain, looking for the needle in the haystack. He puts up with it because he’s kind of hoping maybe Lou can find the damn thing.

“Come have dinner with us, Danny. No kids. Renee’s a helluva cook and I got some real good beer. Better’n the whiskey you’ve been living off of.”

Danny snorts. “I’m not good company, Lou.”

Lou laughs, a loud boisterous thing that almost makes Danny join in. “That’s okay, I don’t need you. I can talk hours with no input from anyone else.”

Danny grins to himself. “I just really have no doubt about that.”

“Then it’s settled. I’ll tell my woman to throw an extra steak in some marinade and we’ll have ourselves some therapeutic home cooked goodness with some good wholesome beer guzzling.”

Danny looks over at him. “I didn’t actually say yes, you realize.”

“Boy I will hog tie you and t’row you in the back of this thing if that’s what it takes, you’re coming home with me,” Lou says, and he glares daggers at Danny until Danny relents and throws his hands up.

+

“Yeah, I don’t know man, that’s a tough one there,” Lou says, his feet thrown up on the railing.

“Because how do I argue? How do I say, no, Grace, your Mom’s a good woman, when the whole time I’m thinking… ya know. Yeah. What a fucking bitch.”

“Woah, there,” Renee says, stepping around their feet. “Never heard that word out of your mouth Danny.”

Danny covers his face. “I’m so sorry, Renee, please excuse me.”

“But since we’re calling a spade a spade, are we still talking about your ex wife?”

Lou laughs. “Yup.” He looks over at Danny, who still looks horrified, and laughs harder. “It’s alright, Danny, the wife’s heard worse.”

“Said worse too,” she says, winking at him.

“His daughter is old enough and wise enough to start asking why Mom lied about the kid being his,” Lou says. “Danny here doesn’t know how to say no you’re mom’s not a bitch when in fact… she is.”

“Well,” Renee says, leaning back in her seat. “Sometimes you just say sweetie. Your mom’s a bitch.”

Danny about chokes on his swallow of beer. “Excuse me?”

Renee laughs. “Honey she’s getting to be a smart young lady. Don’t forget I’ve met Grace. Samantha adores her. She’s not your average silly thirteen year old either, she’s got a real deep soul.” She smiles at Danny’s pleased expression. “If she’s old enough and mature enough in her heart to not only think her Mom is wrong for what she did but vocalize it to you, don’t you think you owe her the respect to not downplay it?”

“But isn’t that a little too much truth for a thirteen year old,” Lou asks, reaching over and grabbing up some pretzels. “I mean. Maybe say sweetie, your Mom was wrong but she did it for reasons she thought were right.”

“But isn’t that telling Grace it’s okay as long as your reasons were good,” Renee asks, giving Lou an admonishing look. “I don’t know, I think I’d be honest.”

“Doesn’t that just scar her more,” Danny asks, leaning forward. “Doesn’t that just make an already hard thing harder?”

“First, you didn’t choose this,” Renee says, reaching forward to grab his hand. “And second, no. Believe it or not, being validated for your legitimate feelings doesn’t make your scar worse. It makes it so it can heal.”

“Huh,” Danny says, leaning back in his chair and nodding as he swallows the last of his beer. “Didn’t quite think of it that way.”

“My lady’s a keeper huh,” Lou says, winking at Danny and then grinning over at Renee.

"Ya damn straight,” Renee says, and then smack’s Lou’s thigh as she stands up. “Dinners ready. Get inside before it gets cold.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um. In case you couldn't tell, I think Renee is a take no prisoners badass bitch, and I adore her. We haven't gotten that long to get to know her but every second she's in she makes me grin. Also... love writing Lou! I wish the show would give us more Lou and Danny interaction.


	6. Chapter 6

Sunday afternoon Kono takes Grace surfing and Danny spends the majority of the time napping on the couch while Charlie occupies himself with toy cars, legos, and whatever movie is on the Disney channel.

They get back to the house around 4:30pm and Danny gives Kono a kiss on the cheek in thanks and expects her to leave, like she normally would. Instead she parks her butt at his island counter top and glares at him.

“Everything okay?”

“No,” she says, darting a glance to where Grace is gathering up hers and Charlie’s things. “But we’ll talk about that later.”

He frowns and looks over at Grace. “Hey, listen, I told you she’s starting to get that teenage attitude, right? Was she a brat? Don’t be afraid to tell me, I won’t be insulted.”

“Grace was perfect, Grace is always perfect,” Kono says, grinning as Grace comes into the kitchen, hair slightly wavy from where the ocean salt had curled it, hanging in choppy bits around her face. “Ain’t that right, Gracie? Tell your Dad what you did today, for the first time.”

“Oh,” Grace says, pumping both hands in the air in celebratory fists. “I got right in the pocket, like right exactly smack dab in the middle of the pocket!”

Danny frowns. “Right. Of course because... because. Who wants to be out of the pocket?”

Grace rolls her eyes and Kono cracks up laughing. “Danny it’s the most powerful part of the wave, she got right exactly in that perfect sweet spot of the wave, it was picture perfect. She rode that wave for minutes, man, from start to finish. It was gorgeous.”

“Oh,” he says, smiling and nodding. “Okay see, that I understand.”

Grace gives him a look. “Oh, I’m supposed to know what a clutch hitter is versus a contact hitter versus a cleanup hitter, but you can’t even learn in the pocket, Danno? Seriously?”

He smacks her shoulder. “Hey! Baseball is America’s Pastime, surfing is--”

“Watch it,” Kono warns, quirking an eyebrow up.

“A perfectly reasonable stress relieving activity,” Danny finishes, frowning at Kono. “Okay so maybe I’ll do some reading.”

“Forget it,” Grace says, grinning and leaning over to kiss him on the cheek as they hear Rachel honk from the driveway. “You’ll just sound lamer if you try to study up.”

“Hey,” he shouts after her. “Don’t call your father lame!”

“Walks like a duck,” Kono mutters, her chin planted in her hand as she smirks at him.

He flips her the bird and follows Charlie around making sure he’s picked up all of his bits and pieces, bending down to hug him. “Bye little man. See you soon.”

“Bye Danno!”

Grace waves from the doorway. “Love you Auntie, thanks for taking me surfing! Love you Dad.”

“Love you too,” Kono says, ducking her head out of the kitchen to blow Grace a kiss.

He watches them get into Rachel’s car from the doorway and then suddenly very much does not want to go back inside of his house. Kono reserves the glare he’d gotten when they first walked in for only the most serious of talks, and he’s dreading it like getting his own head chopped off.

“Don’t pussy out, get in here, Danny.”

Danny laughs and shuts the door behind him. “You know, babe, it’s my house. If I want to hang out outside and watch the wind blow--”

“Sit,” she barks, walking into the den carrying two beers, pointing at the couch. “Now.”

He considers continuing to stand, just out of spite, but one look at her tells him he’s two seconds away from an ass beating. He sits on the edge of the couch. “Sitting.”

She opens both beers and holds his out to him. He takes it. “Okay. I’ve tried this the nice way. I’ve tried just being there for you. I’ve tried just being available. I’ve tried asking you. I’ve tried the I Love You, I’m Here If You Need Me tactic.”

He frowns, gripping the beer bottle in his hand tightly. “What are you--”

“It’s not working, it’s not enough, and it’s obviously to the point where I’m just going to have to be an asshole and fucking force you to talk about it for our own good,” she says. She nods to herself and takes a swig of her beer before looking at him. “So you’re going to tell me, Danny. You’re going to tell me all of it.”

His hands come up of their own accord. “All of what?”

“Don’t,” she says, closing her eyes, mouth a line of anger. “Danny, don’t fucking play dumb.”

“I’m not trying to,” he says gently.

Kono purses her lips and gives him a look. “You keep saying you’re fine.” She pauses and leans back on the couch. “And I’m not stupid I know you’re not fine but I didn’t know you were _this_ not fine.”

He sighs, reaching up to scrub at his face. “Kono listen. I’m working through it. I... it’s complicated, okay? It’s... I’m working through it. I’m _fine_.”

She just arches an eyebrow at him. “Do you wanna know what Grace said to me today?” She blinks and Danny’s horrified to see tears in her eyes. True to Kono’s form though, her voice doesn’t even waver as she continues. “She said have you noticed lately that daddy’s smiles don’t reach his eyes anymore?”

Danny breathes out in a rush. “She... what?”

“That’s not fine, Danny,” Kono says, shaking her head, “That’s not okay, that’s the fucking definition of you are not okay!”

“Matty used to…” Danny blinks and looks away, laughing slightly. “That’s something Matt used to say. How the fuck does she remember that?”

“Danny.”

  
  


_“Don’t do that, Danny.”_

_“Don’t do what?”_

_“Don’t point that fucking smile at me and think I buy it.”_

_“What are you--”_

_“I might be younger big bro but I’m not stupider. You’re smiles don’t reach your eyes anymore, so don’t play like you’re okay with me when I can see right through you.”_

_“Matty.”_

_“Don’t lie to me, I’ll punch you in your teeth.”_

_“Seriously? How is that caring about me?”_

_“Because I could instead rip off your dick and feed it to you but I’ll settle for knocking your teeth in.”_

_“I’m okay, Matty.”_

_“You’re not.”_

_“But I want to be.”_

_“Which isn’t the same thing, is it?”_

_“No. it’s not.”_

  
  


“I don’t know how she remembers that,” Danny says quietly, pulling his legs up in front of him, hugging his knees. “God, _I’d_ forgotten it.”

“Danny.”

He tucks his chin into his knees and looks away. “Kono, I love you, but please just drop it.”

She smacks him on the arm once and then again, even harder. It fucking hurts. “You think I don’t know from depression, Danny? You think I don’t recognize when I see it?”

He looks at her. “And bruising me is gonna help,” he asks, going for levity.

She’s not having one second of it. “I had my dreams set out for me at fucking 15 years old, and they shattered when my knee blew. The whole rest of my life planned out doing what I love more than anything else in the entire world, gone in a blink.”

His heart falls. “Babe.”

She scoots closer on the seat and leans forward, pointing a sharp fingernail into his knee. “My mom, the most important person _in my life_ , the most vibrant person I’ve ever known, the bravest, baddest bitch in the entire universe, is a fucking shell of a person because she had an aneurysm.” She takes a deep breath and it hurts worse than any of her punches did to see the tears in her eyes, hear the way her voice breaks. “I wish you’d known her Danny, because she was amazing, but she’s a fucking zombie in a wheelchair now.”

He reaches out and grabs her hand. “Kono.”

“My husband,” she says, squeezing his hand tightly. “My husband, who I got to enjoy being married to for all of a month, is in _jail_. And will be for the next year and a half. I get to see him through glass. I get to hear him through a telephone.”

“Do you think I think I’m the only person in the world that’s going through shit,” he asks softly, a tear falling and he actually doesn’t mind because it’s maybe the first thing he’s felt beyond this awful echoing aching empty numbness that’s persisted for the past month. “I don’t, babe. I know I’m just a drop in the bucket.”

“No, you fucking asshole,” she yells, and smacks him again, but this time she breaks down crying even as she digs her fingers into his arms painfully. “God damnit, Danny, where are you? Where did you go?”

“I’m right here,” he says, reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder. “Kono--”

“No, I’m saying I know from depression. And I know it when I see it in others,” she says, pointing at him. “And you are not you anymore, you’re not fucking _here_ anymore!”

“I’m here, I’m right--”

“No, you’re not,” Kono says, shaking her head. “You don’t joke anymore. You don’t make your stupid, lame ass jack in the box Dad jokes anymore, you don’t roll your eyes at Jerry, you don’t laugh with Steve, you don’t smirk at Lou, you hide in your fucking office all god damned day long, and then you go home and get drunk and stumble back in in the morning with a hangover and Danny, that’s not you!”

He looks away. “I’m trying.”

“Not hard enough,” she spits back. “You’re not trying hard enough!”

He grits his teeth, fists clenching. “You know what, you have no fucking clue how hard I’m trying okay, you have no fucking clue what the _fuck_ I am or am not doing, so don’t even try to--”

“So tell me,” she yells, fist curling in his shirt, yanking him forward to the side. “Tell me! What’s going on with you!”

He shakes his head and closes his eyes, puts his head down on his knees. He flinches when he feels her catapult off of the seat but instead of more fists on his arms he hears a beer bottle shatter against his wall and then his table being toppled over.

“Fuck you,” she says, and when he looks up her eyes are wild, her hair is a mess around her face, and her hands are in fists by her side. “Fuck you Danny, you don’t let anyone else suffer, ever. Not ever, Danny. I’m going through shit, Steve’s going through shit, Chin... you don’t _ever_ let it go. You dig in your heels and you push and push and you stand there until we fucking bend and give in, and you won’t even do me the fucking courtesy of fucking returning the god damned favor!”

“It’s my shit, Kono,” he says, and he’s just so god damned fucking _tired_. “You can’t fix this.”

“And you can’t fix Adam in jail, but that doesn’t stop you calling me on the weekends to make sure I’m not fucking lonely,” she yells, pointing at him, kicking a foot back into the coffee table she’d knocked over. Any other day, that might’ve been funny. Kono, wreaking havoc on his home furnishings. Today it’s not at all. “Tell me. Tell me now Danny, or I swear to God.”

“You swear to God what, you’ll hit me some more,” he yells, letting his legs fall to the floor, throwing his hands wide. “You’ll kick my fucking coffee table again? I don’t give a shit, break the fucking thing!”

“Danny, _Grace_ knows,” Kono says, lifting her hands like she’s praying, like she’s pleading, and well. She is, isn’t she? “Grace, your thirteen year old daughter, is _worried about you_. She asked me if you were okay. If she needed to tell Rachel. She’s _scared for you._ “

The sob rips out of him and he ducks his head and squeezes his fists and shuts his eyes and curls in on himself because the pain is just all there in a tight fucking ball and he can’t breathe through it. “I can’t get it together, Kono, I’m trying, I’m fucking trying so hard I just can’t get it the fuck together.”

She’s warmth and a strong arm around his shoulders and lips against his ear, and its more than he deserves. “You don’t have to get it together, Danny, you just gotta put one foot in front of the other and talk to people. Maybe even let us try to help you put it together, even.”

“She really said that? Grace really said that?”

“She really did.”

“I thought I was hiding it from her. I never meant to put my baby girl through that, I never meant to worry her--”

“She’s strong Danny. You don’t have to protect her. She’s not broken, Danny, she’s not glass. She knows you’re sad, and that makes her sad, and she wants to make you less sad. That’s not putting too much on her, that just means you raised her right.”

“My baby,” he sobs, and squeezes his eyes shut and just lets it fucking go, lets himself cry into her shoulder, soaking her shirt as she wraps her arms tight tight tight around him and holds him there. “My poor baby.”

“What happened, Danny, please,” she says.

“My brother died, and it’s my fault,” he says, and if it hurt to think it it hurts ten times fucking worse to say it, and the tears fall fast and furious even as he tries to pull away from her to wipe at his eyes. “My baby brother is dead, and it’s my fault, I couldn’t save him, and he fucking hated me, Kono. He hated me before he died, because I was supposed to save him.”

“Why do you think he hated you,” she asks, hand warm and steady on the back of his neck.

“Because,” he says, shrugging and looking anywhere but at her. Tries to take a deep breath and can’t. “He reached out. He talked to Ma. My sisters. He never... he never once called me. He never even tried.”

“Danny,” she starts, but he does look at her then, holds up a hand. She stops short.

“Please,” he says. “Please don’t say he didn’t, you don’t know. Don’t say it’s not my fault, you don’t know that. Steve always... he always says don’t think that, you can’t think that, you can’t think that way, he didn’t feel that way, but he doesn’t know, and you don’t know. You didn’t know Matty. And you don’t know, and it doesn’t fucking help me,” he says, waving a hand. “Because I still feel like this, Kono, I still feel like it’s my fault, okay, and you telling me to not, it just makes me not say it. It doesn’t change my mind.”

“Okay,” she says, nodding, meeting his eyes. “Fair enough. What else?”

He blinks at her, because he wasn’t expecting it. He wasn’t expecting her to take him at his word. He reaches up to grab her hand. “I missed three years of my son’s life,” he continues softly. “And I feel like I’ll never really be his father. I don’t feel like I’ll ever feel like I’m actually his father. Like he’ll ever think of me as Daddy.”

She lifts the hand on his neck to his hair and strokes through it gently. “I’m sorry.”

“He said to me the other day, Kono,” he says, and the tears had slowed but start to fall again. “He said you’re not Daddy you’re Danno, and I know that, I know it, and I know he can’t possibly understand, and he’s a good kid, but for one second, babe, swear to God, I just wanted to shove him off on his mother and cut all ties. Just cut it off. Just never see him again.” He throws his head back against the cushions behind him. “Because it broke my fucking heart, and I swear to God I don’t know how many more fucking pieces I God damn have.”

She leans against his side and tucks her head into the crook of his shoulder, resting her forehead against his cheek. “I’m sorry.”

“What does that even say about me,” Danny rasps out, voice pretty much shot, reaching up to dig his hands into his eyes. “What the fuck kind of person am I to hold that shit against a fucking three year old.”

“A normal one, with actual human feelings,” Kono says softly.

“I think it makes me a sack of shit,” he says quietly, and means every single fucking word. “An actual sack of shit. A horrible, fucked up, piece of shit.” He laughs bitterly. “I don’t deserve to feel better, babe. I don’t deserve your sympathy, I don’t deserve for you to care about me, I don’t deserve for you to comfort me.”

“Yes you do.”

He shakes his head. “I don’t.”

“Yes you do, because I love you, Danny.”

He laughs, resting his head against hers. “Why?”

“Because you’re a loud jackass who loves deeper than any ten people I know and that means you can be a sack of shit and still be the best person I know,” she says.

And if that doesn’t hurt the worst of all. He can’t even speak or breathe or move for minutes after that, so they sit in silence as he cries and he rubs her hand over his chest and they breathe together.

Until she breaks the silence with, “And if you don’t like it, you can kiss my ass because I love you, and you don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t love,” and he laughs hard enough to hurt his sides with it.

“I love you, doll,” he says, turning his head to kiss the top of hers. “I really don’t deserve you, but I’m so fucking thankful I have you anyway.”

“You’re not done,” she says, stilling her hand over his chest. “You got one more.”

“One more what.”

“Steve, Danny,” Kono says. “What happened with Steve?”

“No,” he whispers, closing his eyes. “Kono, I can’t. I can’t.”

“Danny.”

“I can’t babe, I can’t, it’s too... It’s too awful, Kono, I can’t, it’s my fault, it’s ugly and it’s horrible, and it’s my fault, I did it, okay, he didn’t do anything wrong, it’s me.”

“Okay,” she says, leaning back and reaching over to grab his chin, turning his face to look at her. “Okay. It’s your fault. You did it. It’s 100% absolutely your fault, you’re the asshole. You did it. He didn’t do anything wrong.” She nods. “Fine. I don’t give a shit. I forgive you, I love you, tell me.”

He blinks at her in confusion. “Kono.”

“It doesn’t matter what you did, Danny,” she says, shaking her head. “Nothing’s going to change how much I care about you. Period. And you need to tell me. Because you need to tell someone. Because you don’t have Steve right now, and you need someone and I’m sorry but I’m it. I’m all you got for a choice right now, so you’re stuck with it.”

“I used him,” Danny says, and he feels like he’s floating. Like he’s not even really speaking. “I used him, I couldn’t... I just wanted to stop feeling empty. I wanted to stop... I’ve loved him for years, years, and I just wanted, once. Once. I just wanted him to fuck me once. Just once.” She closes her eyes and her head falls forward and he stands jerkily, only then realizing what he’s said. He reaches up and covers his face and turns away from her. “Oh God, Kono, you can’t... you can’t.”

“It’s okay,” she says, standing and turning him to face her, hugging him. “I’m not judging you, that just... I wasn’t expecting that, but I get it. I’m so sorry, I know how much that must hurt you. It’s okay, Danny.”

“Hurt me,” he asks in bewilderment.

“And him, but yeah, you Danny,” she says, squeezing him harder. “Don’t think you’re the only one whose hate fucked someone they loved, Danny. It’s fucking ugly and it hurts everyone involved.”

He huffs out a laugh and buries his head in her hair. “Are you seriously comforting _me_ on this point?”

“Come on, sit back down,” she says, pushing him down on the couch and crawling next to him, wrapping herself around him, settling in against him. “I get it, Danny. But you do realize you both did it, right? This isn’t just on you.”

“I got him drunk. I begged him. I used him,” Danny says, and wants to take it all back, all of it, every single word, even as it crosses his lips. “I did this.”

“Okay, but he still did it, Danny,” she says, pulling back to look at him. “Right? So maybe not so one sided.”

As much as he wants to fight her, as much as he wants to disagree, there’s a tiny small part of him that feels this exact same way. This tiny part of him that’s pissed right back at Steve, because exactly. He didn’t do it alone. Steve gave in too.

“I don’t know if he’ll ever forgive me,” he says, because he can’t argue with her but he can’t voice agreement either because that sounds too much like passing the buck.

“I don’t know either, but you need to forgive yourself,” she says, laying her head back down. “You need to figure out how to do that, Danny.”

He tucks his mouth against her hair and breathes in the scent of ocean salt and suntan lotion. “Please swear to me. Swear to me you won’t tell anyone any of this, Kono. Not one word.”

“I would never,” she says.

“Because I can’t... I just, I can’t deal with anyone else hating me. I can’t do it. I can’t take one more person--”

“Hey, I won’t,” she says, sliding her fingers over his chest and tightening her embrace. “Why don’t you just shut up and let me hug you now, okay?”

He laughs and closes his eyes, resting his hand over hers on his chest, kissing the top of her head. “She bitches and yells, breaks beer bottles against my wall, breaks my _coffee table_ , telling me to talk, and now she says shut up.”

“That’s right, that’s what I said, motherfucker,” she says, smacking his chest lightly. He can feel the curve of her smile over his collarbone. “Now shut up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yes, FINALLY, this is the beginning of healing. Oh my Danny. I broke my own fucking heart writing the first half of this fic. I think I'm about half done at this point. I sincerely thank all of you so so so very much for sticking with me on this. I know it's been bumpy but man... This itch was so deep in me I had to scratch it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This whooole fic, aside from the first chapter, I've been waiting for this part.

“The thing is, I’m not really sure why I’m here.”

“Why do you think you’re here, Danny?”

Danny rolls his eyes.  “Because obviously I want to be… better.”  He frowns.  “Feel better.  Feel less horrible about…”  He sighs and scrubs a hand through his hair. “I’m…  right now I’m going through something.  And, I just can’t seem to get it together, but even more than that--”  He sighs heavily.   “I think the moreover problem is, I want to not go through life thinking of and preparing for the worst case scenario in every fucking aspect of my life.  I feel like that… that habit of mine takes over every aspect of my life.  Like when something bad happens, it just gets worse and worse because.”  He shrugs.   “Because it doesn’t interrupt the cycle. It fuels it.  See, proof. Shit gets worse.  I was right.”

Doctor Sonai nods, one leg crossed over the other, legal pad balanced on his knee but pen down.  Listening.  Face neutral.  Danny appreciates that.  He’d have gotten up and walked out if the doc had been giving him that Tell Me Your Problems, I _Really Care_ About Them look that so many therapists have.  

“That sounds like a definitive reasoning for seeking therapy, Danny.  So why do you feel uncertain as to why you’re here?”

“Because, no disrespect intended, but, it’s bullshit,” Danny says with a shrug.  “Because all you’re gonna do is ask me how I feel, and how do I feel about feeling this way and the whole point is that you’re going to talk at me but mostly you’re going to get me to talk which essentially works out to basically me paying you $1100 a session to therapize myself with you on repeat.”

The doctor nods and smiles just slightly.  “And how is that not you looking for the worst case scenario right now, Danny?”

“Are you going to end every other sentence with my name like that?”

“Would you prefer I call you Detective Williams?”

“I’d prefer you not employ the placating technique of familiarizing yourself to me by calling me by my name like we’re friends instead of doctor-patient.”  He shrugs.  “I’m a cop.  Been trained in talking people off the ledge.  Kind of know the book on that one.”

“Are you on a ledge?”

“No, I was talking about the proverbial…”  Danny sighs and jerks a hand out.  “The point is just, I was just saying, we’re not friends.  I just.  It irks me when you say my name three times inside five minutes.”

“Very well.  Let’s start again.  Why are you here?”

“I told you, I want to stop being so negative.  I need to be able to put things in a box and… leave them there.  Not pick and poke and… just, remain miserable.”

He nods.  “Is this negativity new, or something you’ve always experienced?”

Danny shrugs.  “I mean, I was a happy kid I guess?  But no, yeah, I guess it kind of is something I’ve always done.”

“Then now. Right now.  On this day,” the doctor says, pointing a finger, tapping it into the pad.  “What brings you here today?”

Danny closes his eyes, hears Steve in his head, _I’m talking about the black hole of negativity that is Detective Danny Williams,_ and about just how bad it had hurt to hear it, that and _bad things happen to negative people see example 1A, you_.

He hears, _Have you noticed lately that daddy’s smiles don’t reach his eyes anymore?_

He hears, _Where are you, you’re not here anymore!_

He shrugs.  “Because my negativity makes not only myself miserable but other people.  Me, I’m used to it.  I’ve just come to accept that this is who I am, but…”  He looks away.  “Other people don’t deserve my shit to bleed onto them.”

“So you’re seeking therapy for the benefit of other people,” the doctor says, nodding.  “While noble, it’s not the best way to accomplish healing oneself, to do it for someone other than yourself.”

“Fine then it’s for me,” Danny says, waving a hand.  “I’m tired of being a sucky friend.  I’m tired of being a sucky boyfriend.  I’m terrified of being a sucky father and fucking up my baby girl with the black hole that is Detective Danny Williams.”  He sucks in a breath and finds despite the fact that he didn’t know it until he said it, it’s 100% the truth.  

“Is that why you’re here,” the doctor asks, and the arching of his manicured eyebrow makes Danny want to bust his face open.  “Because someone said that to you?”

“What makes you think someone said that to me,” Danny asks, reaching for way to just take a second to collect himself.

“It’s a very specific arrangement of words,” the doctor says, waving a hand.  “Just sounded like a direct quote rather than off the cuff.”

Danny scrubs at his face.  “Do you think there’s anything to the thought process that says if you think it, it will come?”

“The Field of Dreams?”

Danny laughs, surprised.  “Uh, no actually, I’m saying the power of…  I’m saying, dress for the job you want to have and you’ll have it. I’m saying, act happy until you are happy.  The power of positive thinking, be the ball, envision it going in and eventually it will.”  He shrugs.  “More to the direct point, if I’m so negative, if I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop, if I’m always this sad sack motherfucker that thinks the bad is inevitable, does that mean I’m making it so?”

Dr. Sonai nods slowly.  “There is a line of thinking that says, nothing is inherently negative or positive, but thinking it makes it so.”   When Danny doesn’t say anything, he continues.  “The fact is, the glass contains half of its capacity, but it’s your own perception that makes it positive, full – or negative, empty.”

“So you’re saying he’s right,” Danny says softly, reaching up to run a hand through his hair..  “That my negativity breeds negative things.  That I do these things to myself.  That I bring them down on me.”

“I’m saying that is one way of looking at things, that it is solely down to your perception of a reality that makes it negative or positive.”  The doctor leans forward.  “But there is also a way of looking at things that says you’re not such a negativist so much as a pragmatist.”

Danny nods, pointing at him. “That, yes!  I always say that, I’m not being negative I’m just being practical!”   

“Except for how you do indeed see the glass as half empty,” Sonai asks, raising an eyebrow.

Danny sighs.  “Okay yes.  Yes.  I do.”  He crosses his legs and bounces one leg up and down agitatedly.  “It’s just.   I get in my own way a lot of the time.  I try not to but it’s just…” he waves his hands around his head.  “It’s a mess up here.”

The doctor waits for him to expand.

“My head, it’s too loud in my head,” Danny finishes, shrugging.  “And no I’m not saying I hear voices.  The dog doesn’t talk to me.”  He laughs.  “I don’t even have a dog anymore, I intended to have a dog.  In fact I _had_ a dog, but he was old and he died in the quarantine process.  And I meant to get a dog, but then life got busy and it just got… but I kept meaning to.”  He frowns.  “But that’s not the point.  The point is my brain doesn’t shut up.  Which, I don’t want it to, most of the time, or well, some of the time.”  He frowns at the doctor.  “Is this making any sense?”

Sonai nods.  “Please continue, I can tell you’re leading somewhere.”

“It’s just, people have boxes,” Danny says.  “That they compartmentalize into.  And I’m good at my job, because my brain never stops.  Okay?  As a cop, specifically as a detective, my ability to read into things, my ability to think of every possible angle, that’s a positive thing.  Except then I go home and I can’t shut it off, can’t put it in that compartmentalized box over there in the corner because it’s just who I am.  I just am that, anyway.  I’ve always had a loud head.”  Danny sighs and throws up his hands.  “I know I sound crazy.”

“You don’t sound crazy, you sound anxious,” Sonai says, looking at his watch.  “And smart.  I have found that frequently it’s the smart ones that drive themselves the most nuts.”  He laughs, shrugging. “I shouldn’t word it that way, but it’s true.  You know you’re being irrational but you can’t help yourself from being irrational.  And the smarter you are, the more irrational you understand you’re being, and yet you’re still unable to stop.  Do you have any pervasive, irrational fears as well?”

Danny snorts.  “How many did you want me to list?”

“Irrational fears, fears that once they start they make the walls close in on you and you feel like you can’t breathe properly and your heart pounds,” Sonai clarifies.  “Those kinds of fears.”

Danny nods, feeling that way right now.  “Again, how many did you want me to list.”  Off of the doctors look he sighs.  “Tight spaces.  I’m claustrophobic.  Kind of a lot.”

“Our hour is up Mr. Williams,” Sonai says, setting his pad to the side and uncrossing his legs.  “I’d like for you to do some homework for me.  You have what I refer to as warring personalities.”

“Woah,” Danny says, holding up his hands.  “Did you just say I have multiple personalities?”

The doctor laughs.  “Not at all, no.  You have _warring_ personalities.  All perfectly normal, it’s not the same as dissociative personality disorder.  It’s not even a disorder.  It’s just an easy way to describe the fact that you have two sides to your personality.  Which, by the way, we all do.  There is the rational, thinking side, and there is the irrational, feeling side.  What I’m saying is that the rational side of you is uber rational, and the irrational side of you is at constant war with it.”

Danny nods.  “Yeah that sounds about right.”  He swallows.  “Is that bipolar?”

“I’m not comfortable making any specific diagnoses just yet,” Sonai says, walking over to his desk.  “I’d like to see you again.  In fact I’d like to see you twice weekly, if you’re amenable.”

Danny closes his eyes and rubs his temple.  “You can’t just give me Prozac or something and send me on my way?”

“We may well land on that, Danny, but I’d like to see you at least one more time before making that determination,” he says.  “I’d also like for you to actually be honest with me as to why you’re here.”

Danny frowns.  “Excuse me?  I’m _being_ honest.”

Sonai raises his eyebrows at Danny and locks eyes with him.  “Danny you started this conversation saying that right now you’re going through something but moreover, the real problem is….”  He shakes his head.  “That’s not your job.  That’s my job.  I don’t want you to be your own mechanic, listening to the taps and rattles and whirs and diagnosing something you have no business diagnosing.”

Danny looks away.  “I just…  It feels like a waste of time.”

“It’s your money,” Sonai says with a shrug.  “If you want to come in and say give me a magic pill that makes the pain stop and numbs my brain, fine.  I’ll give you the name of a psychiatrist, he’ll have you in and out in fifteen minutes with a few scripts.  But if you want to come in and find out what’s actually going on?  That’s what you’re paying me for.”  He stands and walks over to his desk.  “I also understand that we’ve just met and you don’t trust me yet.  This is a process Danny.  I just ask that you give the process time.”

Danny nods, his hands clenching slightly.  “Fair enough.”

“Is now a good time for you most of the time?  In the mornings, 8am?”

Danny nods, clearing his throat.  “Sure, I can make that work.”  He wrings his hands together and peers up at the doctor.  “So, scale of one to ten, doc?  Am I just a total nutbar?”

“If you were a total nutbar I’d be sending you to psych lock up.”  Sonai smiles and Danny decides he likes him then and there.   “Let’s call you a four for now.”

Danny nods.  “I think you’re lowballing it.”

“I didn’t say if 1 was nutbar or 10 was, which did you think I meant,” Sonai says, grinning wider.

Danny stands and holds out a hand to shake Dr. Sonai’s.  “What was that about homework?”

“Ah, yes,” Sonai says and reaches into his drawer to pull out a small steno pad.  “At the end of the day, when you get home from work, I’d like for you to write down those things that you’d like to put away in your box.  If you could compartmentalize those things, I want you to write them down.”

Danny nods, holding onto the pad and snapping it against his fingers.  “I may need a bigger pad.”

Sonai smiles.  “It’s good that you have a sense of humor, Danny.  I appreciate it.  I do.  But I’d like for you to realize that sometimes it only serves to delay healing rather than ameliorate it.”

Danny nods.  “Okay doc.  Noted.”

“I’d also like for you to think of just as many positive things that happened on that same day,” Sonai says.  “Even if it’s just a smile the barista gave you.  Write those down too.”

Danny nods, trying not to roll his eyes.  “Right.  Diary of my life, just like my thirteen year old does.”

“If that’s what makes you do it, then sure,” Sonai says, sitting down behind his desk.  “Does Thursday at 7:50 work for you?”

+

The fact that Steve knocks on his door makes Danny ache deep in the pit of his stomach, but he waves him in.  He arches an eyebrow.  “Yeah?”

Steve motions forward and then steps in, closing the door behind him.  “Hey.”

Danny leans back in his chair.  “Hey.”

“How is um,” Steve says, crossing his arms and walking up to Danny’s desk.  “How’s Gracie?  Kono said she’s getting to be an amazing surfer.”

Danny smiles softly.  “Yeah, I guess.  She’s um.  She’s good.”

“I….”  Steve clears his throat.  “Can you tell her I miss her?”

Danny closes his eyes before opening them and leaning forward.  “Steve, just text her.  Call her.  She’d love to hear from you.”

Steve waves a hand, looking away. “No, I feel like that would--”

“Can you never forgive me,” Danny asks suddenly, blinking up at him.  “Do you see yourself never forgiving me?”

Steve’s arms drop to his sides as he turns to face Danny more fully.  “Danny I forgive you.  I’ve already forgiven you.  It’s not even about forgiving.  It’s…”

Danny clears his throat and leans back against, putting his feet up on his desk.  “Whatever, the point I’m making, Steven, is that you are a part of her life.  Period.  I don’t want to be the reason why Gracie’s missing yet another uncle.”

The thing is, he hadn’t meant it like that.  He hadn’t meant it the way it came out, because now he’s got a lump in his throat and Steve’s looking at him with this look that makes Danny want to crawl into a tiny space and die, and he’d just fucking meant that it didn’t matter if him and Steve were having a tough time.  He’d just meant that Steve didn’t have to hold himself back from Grace.

“Danny.”

“Don’t,” Danny says, holding up his hand and rolling his eyes.  “I’m just saying, you’re Uncle Steve.  You’ll always be Uncle Steve.  You don’t have to talk to her through me, you have your own relationship with her.”

“Danny.”

“She’s fine, Steven, she’s good, she’s happy, she’s perfect, she’s a fucking angel,” Danny spits out, letting his feet fall of of the desk and standing.  He starts picking up folders just to give himself something to do, something to busy his hands with.  “I’ll tell her, okay?”

“I…”  Steve falters as Kono comes in, holding a folder to her chest and looking apprehensively between the two of them.  “I just miss her.  Miss… you.”

“That’s just fucking dandy for you,” Danny mutters, and then turns to face kono.  “Ready?”

Kono blinks.  “Yup.  All set.”

“We have somewhere to be,” Danny says, pointing at Kono and walking out from behind his desk.  “She’s got a thing tonight but call her tomorrow.  Seriously, you don’t need my permission, Grace loves you.”

“Danny--”

Danny puts a hand on Kono’s back and steers her out through the bullpen and then through the double glass doors to the hallway.  She hugs the folder to her chest and keeps flicking her eyes at him.  “You okay?”

“I don’t even fucking know,” Danny says, laughing bitterly and throwing his hands up.  “One second I feel like maybe we can get it back but he won’t look at me and he’s holding himself back and…. I just, I don’t know how to be around him like that.  I don’t know how to be around him and not… be us.”  He flings a hand out again and smacks her arm.  “Sorry.  I just.  And then I get angry, and that’s not helpful, like, that’s not gonna get him over this, but I can’t help it.”  He shakes his head and slows down, looking down at the top of the staircase.  “I don’t even know where we’re going.”

“Yeah, I was wondering if you actually had a destination in mind, or if we were just gonna keep walking until we hit water,” Kono says, looping her arm through his and then starting to walk down the stairs.  “I was coming in to talk to you about the forensics report, Eric has really sloppy handwriting I thought maybe you could translate.  Maybe instead we go talk to him.”

Danny grins.  “Ah, the ever annoying company of my nephew.  That’ll certainly distract me.”

Kono laughs and off they head.

+

“Yo, Uncle D…. De, Danny, Uncle, Williams… sir.”

Danny rolls his eyes and bumps his shoulder against Erics.  “Take a breath.”

Eric grins and winks at Kono.  “Hey there gorgeous.”

Kono arches her eyebrows at him.  “No.”

“Right,” he says, nodding and clearing his throat.  “So Uncle D.”

“For crying outloud.”

“Listen, it just ain’t gonna happen, okay, I can’t help it, I been calling you D since I was in diapers alright,” Eric says, throwing his hands out.  “Can you just get the hell over it?”  Danny crosses his arms and glares at him.  “Fine.  De-tec-tive Williams,” he says, wagging his fingers in the air.

Danny laughs and holds up his hands. “Fine, call me Uncle D.  Whatever.”

“Oh thank God, man, it gives me angina every time I see you man,” Eric says, letting out a releived huff of air.  “So whatchu guys doing here?”

“You need to work on your penmanship, _Little E_ ,” Danny says, grinning.

Eric frowns.  “Hey.  I ain’t been Little E since I was 13.”

“Hey you call me Uncle D, I call you Little E,” Danny says, spreading his hands out.  “Only fair.”

“Little E,” Kono says, half of her mouth turning up in a smirk.  “I like that.”

“Nah,” Eric says, shaking his head.  “Nah, lady, ain’t no part of me little anymore if you know what I’m--”

“Stop right there,” Danny says, closing his eyes and whacking Eric in the chest hard.  “Don’t, don’t, just don’t even finish, just don’t even.”

Kono shoves the report in front of Eric’s face.  “That, what does that say?”

Eric frowns at the paper.  “Thingimabob.”

Kono’s face scrunches.  “Thingimabob?”

Eric nods.  “Well I don’t know what the hell it is, so.”  He reaches back and digs through a mess of things and pulls something long, silver, stiff, and jangly out of a clear plastic bag.  “What would you call it, you know what this is?”

“Course I do,” Danny says, reaching over and taking it in his hand, looking at it from all directions.  “That there is clearly a uh…”  He frowns in concentratin.  “Well this here is clearly a thingimabob.”

“Is this a Jersey thing or a Williams thing,” Kono asks with a grin.  “Ergo.  Hither.  Heretofore.  Hence.  From whence it came?”

Danny frowns.  “Is having a good vocabulary a Jersey thing?  I suppose it’s indicative of a good educational system--”

“No, using old, defunct words that no one says anymore,” Kono says, swatting him on the arm.  “Who are you, William Shakespeare?”

“Ah yes, why I remember that brilliant line in Taming of the Shrew, _I see a woman may be made a fool, if she had not a spirit to resist_ … my thingimabob,” Eric says, nodding sagely.

Kono blinks at him.  “I’m…  Eric, I’m impressed.  Inappropriate innuendo aside, you can quote Shakespeare?”

He grins lasciviously.  “Ladies love that shit.”

“Okay,” Kono says, nodding.  “And back to not impressed.”

Danny laughs, stabbing a pen at the report.  “Just, Eric, just translate this for us.”

Twenty minutes-- and many, many pokes and jabs to Eric’s forehead and ear at innappropriate comments-- later, Eric catches Danny’s arm as he and Kono start to leave.  “Hey, Unc, got a sec?”

Danny motions for Kono to go ahead.  “What’s up?”

Eric watches Kono go with a soft smile.  “She has a seriously nice--”

“Eric!”

“What it is an extremely nice tooshie,” Eric says, shrugging and turning back to Danny.

“What did you want,” Danny asks, motioning for him to hurry up.

“You okay, man,” Eric says, hand still resting on Danny’s arm.  “Ma said you didn’t seem like yourself when you was in Jersey, and I ain’t been hearing from you lately.”  He motioned to Danny’s face.  “Plus, you got some serious bags going, bro.”

Danny smiles softly, oddly touched.  “I’m good, Eric.”  He smacks his cheek lightly.  “But thanks for checking in.”

Eric raises an extremely dubious eyebrow but backs off, holding up his hands.  “Hey man, wanna watch the Yanks game with me this weekend?  I’ll buy the beer!”

Danny nods and claps his hand on Eric’s shoulder.  “Sounds like a plan.”

+

A eleven o’clock that night he makes two columns in his steno pad, marks one negative and one positive.

Under negative he writes:

  * _Steve, times infinity, plus a thousand_


  * _Jumping to anger too quickly_


  * _My inability to fucking get over shit_



 

Under positive he writes:

  * _Kono’s ability to know what I need and be more amazing than I already thought she was_


  * _Eric, for being that exact right kind of idiot_


  * _Steve, for still loving my baby even if he hates me right now._



  
  
He feels stupid and ridiculous, but he somehow manages to not rip the page out and burn it.  Instead he stuffs it into the back of his bedside table’s drawer, turns off the light, and settles in to try and sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had originally said I thought this fic would be around 10 chapters..... yeah, sorry, not done, I'm thinkking may be somewhere around 15 now. Sorry about that!

“Hey, so, listen,” Danny says quietly, perching on the edge of Kono’s desk and leaning into her personal space.  “I’m gonna be late Thursday probably.  And maybe a couple times a week for the next few weeks.”

Kono arches an eyebrow at him. “Everything okay?”

“Yes, actually, I’m uh… seeing someone,” he says, staring down at his cup of coffee.

She turns her head towards him.  “What like… Danny i’m not sure now is the best time to start dating--”

“Oh God no,” Danny says on a loud laugh, waving a hand.  “A therapist, I meant.  A uh… a counselor.  He wants me to come in twice a week.”

“Ohhh,” she says, her eyes widening.  “Danny that’s really great.  I’m.  I’m so glad.”

“So ya know,” he says, shrugging and looking away.  “Just, thanks okay?  For.  Kicking my ass a little bit.”

She laughs.  “A little bit?”

“Okay, a lot, for kicking my ass a lot,” he says, grinning back at her.  “And my coffee table’s ass too.”

She winces.  “Yeah, sorry, I didn’t actually intend to beat up your furniture.  Want my coffee table?  It’s made out of a surfboard!”

Danny laughs and holds out his hands as he starts for her door on his way back to the bullpen.  “You know what?  I’m good.”

Chin pokes his head into Kono’s office.  “Beer?  Sidestreet?”

“Oh, yeah,” Kono says, rubbing her hands together.  “I am craving chicken wings too!”

Chin points at Lou.  “You in?”

“Always,” Lou says, patting his belly. “Does it look like I know how know to say no to some wings?”

Danny holds up his hands.  “Actually I’m gonna--”

“I can’t,” Steve says frowning down at the computer table.  “I have.  Mary said she needed to talk to me about something today at uh, at five.  So.  I gotta go home and ya know.  Call her.”

Danny glances at Chin and Kono, who also trade a look.  “That is the lamest, most transparent excuse I’ve ever heard, Steve,” Danny says gently.

Steve stiffens.  “It’s actually the truth.”

“Steve, you don’t have to--”

“Just go, Danny, huh,” Steve says quietly, finally looking his way.  “Would you please just go?”

Danny takes a deep breath and looks at Chin and Lou’s carefully neutral faces, and then at Kono’s uncomfortable one.  “Steve, come on this is stupid, you come too.”

“We’ve been going, Danny,” Steve says, standing up.  “We always go, and you’ve backed out the past five times.  So yeah, I’m not stupid.  It’s me.  So this time I’m not going.”

“Are we literally a divorced couple,” Danny asks, spreading his hands.  “We’re like, actually forcing the kids to pick sides and you get this restaurant, but I get this one.  You get Wednesdays but i get alternate weekends?  Are we really doing that?”

“No, Danny, but…”  Steve shrugs and then lets out a harsh breath, shoulders drooping.  “God I feel like I’m punishing you by going, like I’m robbing you of your friends, because you can’t stand to be around me so instead you’re just gonna hole up in your place and I feel like a selfish prick, okay?  So will you please just go this time?  Please!”

“So instead I’m punishing you,” Danny says, stepping forward.  “How is that right?”

“Will you just god damned go, Danny, fuck,” Steve yells, throwing his hands out.  “God, what do you want from me!  Every time I try to be your friend again you push against me, am I supposed to give up or keep trying, what do you want?  Huh?”

Danny points a finger at him.  “You, Steve.   _You_ are the one who said you hated me.  You said, and I fucking quote, because it is burned into my brain like the sound of that fucking metal barrel bringing my dead brother’s body into the room is, that right now you kind of hate me.”

“I said I love you first,” Steve says softly.  So softly Danny may be the only one that can hear it.  “I said I love you, but right now I kind of hate you.”

“I would never say that to you,” Danny says, tears coming to his eyes.  “I would never, ever say that to you.  Not after knowing…  what I’m.  Not when.”

“All right, okay, people say things, okay,” Kono says, stepping up and wrapping her hand around Danny’s arm, pulling him back.  “Okay?  People say things in the heat of the moment, and they’re awful, okay.  They do things, and say things, and they’re awful, but you two love each other okay?”  She puts a hand on Steve’s chest to hold him back as he tries to step forward.  “Enough for today.   Just.  Enough all right?”

Chin puts a hand on Danny’s back, guiding him towards the door.  “Come on.  Wings.  Beer.  My treat.”

“I’m not the schmuck that refuses to pay all the time,” Danny says, but he smiles despite himself and lets Chin steer him.

+

Shockingly, it doesn’t take long for Danny to relax into the evening at Sidestreets, the cool night air washing over him and making the stress bleed slowly away, the beer helping.  Kono cackling to his left, Chin giggling to his left.   Max and Lou having an argument over something Danny’s not even paying attention to.  

Still, even though he enjoys himself, even laughs a few times as well, it’s still really fucking sad to him to look around their table and not see Steve’s happy smiling face.  He pulls out his phone and texts him before he can think better of it.

 

  * **__Next time, you’re coming too.__**


  * _Not if you won’t if I do._


  * **_We both come._**


  * _You sure?_


  * **_Steve, we gotta figure out how to cohabitate again._**


  * _I don’t want to cohabitate, I wanna fix this._


  * **_That doesn’t seem likely right now, does it?_**


  * _No, not really._


  * **_So then.  We gotta figure this out._**


  * _I’m tired of this._


  * **_Me too._**


  * _So let’s stop, huh?  Can we just be done?_


  * **_I don’t know, Steve, do you still hate me?  Because I gotta say, it really seems like you do sometimes._**


  * _Well it seems to me like you’re the one who hates me these days, Danny._


  * **_I hate the way you make me feel when you look at me.  I hate what I did to you.  I hate the way I make you feel.  I hate that you hate me.  I hate that I can’t figure out how to get out of this fucking hole I’m in, and I hate that I dragged you into it with me.  But no, Steve.  No, I do not hate you._**


  * _I’m so sorry I said that to you, Danny, I could never, ever hate you.  I’m upset.  I’m hurt.  Okay?  I’m fucking devastated alright?  I don’t even know how to define what I’m feeling, and you’re the one that usually helps me define things, Danny.  I’m so fucking lost._


  * **_I’m lost too._**


  * _I know you are.  I’m sorry._


  * **_I’m sorry too._**


  * _Have a good night, okay?  Just please, get drunk with our friends and laugh and have a good night.  Just do that for me okay? Please?  Forget me, I’m fine._


  * **_Next time, you’re coming._**


  * _Okay Danny._


  * **_Okay._**



 

“-- okay?”

Danny jerks his eyes up as he slides his phone back in his pocket.  Lou stares back at him.  “What?”

“Everything alright?  We just lost you to a texting frenzy.”

Danny laughs, waving a hand.  “Yeah, you know.  Phones.  Can’t live with them, can’t stop being fucking tethered to them.”

“So, Saturday,” Lou says, reaching over and tapping Danny’s wrist.  “We still on for the game?  Burgers, hotdogs, chips, beer.  Bring the kids if you want.”

“Oh,” Danny says, biting his lip.  “Shit, Eric, do you mind if Eric comes?”

Lou laughs and chews on the end of his cigar.  “More the merrier, just means Imma win two bets this weekend instead of one.  Cuz them Cubs gonna beat them Yanks, I tell you what, boy.”

Danny grins.  “Keep dreaming, buddy.”

+

“Good morning, Detective Williams.”

“Actually, you can call me Danny,” Danny says, wrinkling his nose.  “I didn’t object to you calling me Danny, I objected to you saying my name at the end of every single sentence.”

The doctor laughs, nodding.  “Fair enough.  How are you this morning?”

“I’m uh.” Danny shrugs.  “I’m ya know.  Tired.  But otherwise okay?”

“Are you asking me?”

Danny laughs.  “No I guess I’m saying I dont know what to say.  If I say fine, that’s a lie, I mean, I’m not just ya know, peachy hunky dory, but I’m not awful today. I didn’t want to drive my car into the ocean on the way here I mean.”

Sonai blinks.  “Is that an urge you’ve had recently?”

Danny frowns.  “No, no, it…”  He pauses and lets out a breath.  “More like, an urge to walk into the ocean and just let the waves take me away.  Not so much drive.  That’s… violent.”

The doctor nods.   “And you personally, Danny.  Would you call this a suicidal thought?”

Danny blinks.  “What?  No!”  He shakes his head.  “No, no, I don’t want to die, I just sometimes feel like it would be better for everyone if I just.. Went away.  If they didn’t have to deal with me.”

The doctor nods.  “But the method is a little more permanent than say, getting in your car and driving to the airport.  Hopping a plane to Montana.”

“Montana?”

Sonai smiles.  “Beautiful this time of the year.  Love it there.”

Danny nods.  “I don’t know.  Is it?  It’s just…  kind of a thought I’ve had a few times.  Kind of a, wouldn’t it be nice if I just didn’t wake up.”  He cringes.  “That sounds really bad, doesn’t it?”

“Have you ever attempted it,” Sonai asks, meeting his eyes.  “Has it ever been more than a fleeting need to escape and run away?”

“I mean.  It’s an island,” Danny says, shrugging and spreading his hands wide.  “Not like I’d be hard pressed to find the nearest body of water.  It’s not something I’d ever actually do, it’s just…  It’s the same kind of thought you have when you go up in front of a million people and humiliate yourself. You just want to dig a hole and crawl inside.”

“And do these thoughts ever scare you,” the doctor asks.  

“No,” Danny says, frowning. “Why would they scare me?”

“Because if you felt like you were actually going to do it, that would likely frighten you, which in turn would concern me,” Sonai says, and then jots something down in his notepad.   “Did you do your homework?”

Danny blinks.  “I’m sorry, you were just talking about suicide and now you’re asking if I did your homework?”

“At this time I don’t believe you actually intend to do anything,” the doctor says, raising an eyebrow.  “Thoughts such as those are fairly common for one going through emotional upheaval, but you’ve not indicated to me in any other way that you are otherwise prone to suicide.”

“I’m not,” he says, a bit overly loud.  “I would never.  I have a daughter and a son, I would never ever do that to them.”  He shakes his head. “No, God no, I’d never do that to them, or my Ma or Dad.  My sisters.  My…”  He shakes his head.  “No.  God no.”

Sonai nods and takes a deep breath.  “Your homework.”

“Oh,” Danny says, reaching over for the pad he’d tossed on the couch next to him.  He starts to hand it to the doctor, who just waves him off.  “You don’t… Want it?”

“I don’t need to see it,” the doctor says, nodding at Danny.  “Is there anything you’d like to discuss about it?”

Danny frowns down at it.  “Like, what, like something specific that bothered me?”

“Or that made you happy,” Sonai says, nodding.  “Or just in general, the act of filling it out.  How did that go?”

Danny flips absently throgh it.   “How did it go?”

“How did it make you feel?”

Danny snorts.  “Stupid.  Like a teenaged girl.”

Sonai nods.   “Was it easy or hard?”

“To do it,” Danny asks, shrugging.  “Easy.  It’s not Tolstoy.”

“Was it easier to list the negative things or the positive things?”

Danny frowns.  “The negative.  The uh, the positive got easier though because I started paying more attention so that I’d have something to write at the end of the day.”  He looks up then, laughing.  “You know, you jokingly said even if it’s the barista smiling at you, but I actually didn’t ever really notice that before.  It’s kind of sweet, how much a stranger smiling at you really can make your day start off better.”

“And did you notice any kind of pattern?  Running theme?  Anything that jumped out at you?”

“Uh yeah, actually,” Danny says, frowning down at the pad.  “The fact that uh… a particular person keeps appearing on both lists.”

The doctor nods.  “And what does that say to you?”

“It says that maybe he and I are a bit codependant,” Danny says, laughing.  “Maybe we’re a bit too in each others pockets?

Sonai just looks at him.  “Or?”

Danny clears his throat.   “Or that he’s just… he’s a huge part of my life.  The good, the bad, the in between.  He’s uh… he’s just always there, ya know?”

“And is his involvement in your negative list,” the doctor says, “the reason why you’re here with me now?”

“No,” Danny says, and then closes his eyes.  “Yes.  Partially.  He’s… he’s _part_ of the reason.”  He pauses and reaches up to scratch at his eyebrow.  “I’m um.  Not really ready to talk about him yet.”

“And the other parts?”

Danny sighs and links his fingers together.  “I had… Have.  I have, had. I don’t know, he’s still my brother.  Ya know?  My brother, he uh.  He died about a year ago.  Little over actually, and uh.  I don’t really think I’ve really been the same since?”

Sonai puts his pad down on the desk and folds his hands over it.  “I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thanks.”

“You were close, you and your brother?”

“Yeah, we were…”  Danny reaches up and slides a hand through his hair.  “We were so close.  We were like, we were best friends.  We were these two idiots attached at the hip.  We were these two big goofs…”  He sighs, closing his eyes.  “But then I moved to Hawaii with my ex wife so I could be near my baby girl and…  Ya know, he stayed, and.  He got in some trouble.”

“And you blame yourself for leaving.”

“No,” Danny says, and then laughs.  “Yes.  Because.  Because I would have known.  He would have told me, I would have figured it out.  Or I don’t know, maybe not, but it’s this thing that just hangs over me now, the what if I’d stayed.  Could I have fixed it before it got so fucking broken.”

“But you didn’t stay.  And he didn’t tell you.”

“No,” Danny says, shaking his head.  “And I just… I just kept fucking it up.  I should’ve.” He sighs and gestures.  “This would be so much easier if you just knew everything, but I don’t even know if I can tell you everything, but just… God, I could have stopped him.  He, he ran, and I could have stopped him. I could have called the FBI on him, I could have shot him and arrested him, I could have done any number of things and not let him get on that fucking plane.”  He stops, taking in a jagged breath and blinking as he’s overcome by the lump in his throat.  “But I let him go, and I’ve been so pissed off and angry at both myself and him for what he did, and what he was doing, to me, and Ma and our sisters, and Dad, and Grace, and all of us, and then he’s just dead, Doc, he’s just dead, and I…. I don’t know where to go with that.”

“Have you apologized to him?”

Danny snaps his eyes up at him.  “What?”

“Have you ever apologized to him,” Sonai asks.

“Uh.”  Danny swallows and scrubs a hand over his face.  “Uh, ya know what?  I haven’t, no.   Because he’s…  He never called me when he was on the run, I guess he was pissed back, but.  I never got to apologize.  And he’s dead, so.”

“Apologize now,” the doctor says, gesturing to the pad next to Danny.  “New assignment.  Write him a letter of apology.”

Danny glances at the pad.  “Apologize.”  He blinks and looks up at him.  “Then you agree it’s my fault.”

“I don’t know, Danny,” the doctor says.  “But you think it is is.  So apologize.  For failing as a brother.  For leaving.  For not stopping him.  For letting him have his own free will.  For not trying harder to teach him to be a better person.”

“He was a good person,” Danny says, narrowing his eyes at the doctor.  “Matty was the best… Matty was the best person, he was the most loving, kind-hearted person.”

“Okay, one less thing to apologize for then,” the doctor says, grinning.  “What else can you knock off that list?”

“Apologize,” Danny repeats, still staring at the steno pad.  “I have so many people I should… my Mom, my Dad.  Our sisters.”

“Start with one, Danny,” the doctor says softly.  “Just start with Matt.”

“Matty was the best person,” Danny says quietly, picking up his pad and running his hand over it.  “He.  He always knew when to kick my ass and when to hug me.   Get me drunk.  Let me pummel him.”

“As should all good brothers.”

Danny laughs.  “You got a brother?”

“Two,” Sonai says.  “Can’t imagine losing either.”

“Thing is,” Danny says, reaching up to wipe away a few errant tears that slipped out.  “Thing is, if anyone would know how to help me deal with Matty being gone,” he says, and then laughs.  “It’s him.  He would know.  What a crazy thought, huh?”

“Sounds about right to me,” Sonai says.   “You said you were angry with him too.”

Danny nods, letting out a sigh.  “Yeah.”

“For what he did?”

Danny shrugs.  “No, not really.  I mean yes.  But more for…”  He shrugs.  “I forgave him for what he did the second he copped to it to me.  I was never gonna stay mad about what he did.  It’s not good what he did, but…  But no, I‘m angry he left.  I’m angry I had to explain everything to Mom and Dad and our sisters.  I’m angry he left me to pick up the pieces.”  He rolls his eyes upward.  “I’m angry he…  I’m angry he’s never coming back.”

“Our time is up.”

Danny jerks his eyes to the clock.  “Wow.  Okay, so that’s what therapy is.  Make me cry and then, time is up, get out.”

“Pretty much,” Sonai says, and then winks at Danny.  “I have another assignment.”

Danny stands and gathers his things.  “Uh, that’s not fair, last week I only had one, now I’ve got two?”

“Three,” Sonai says, settling behind his desk.  He counts off on his fingers.  “1)  Continue writing in your journal, negative and positive things.  2) Write your brother a letter apologizing to him, and 3),” he says, letting his hands fall to his desk.  “Write a letter to yourself.”

“To myself,” Danny asks, laughing.  “What the fuck is that?”

“From him,” Sonai says, nodding.  “Write a letter from him, apologizing to you.  Write the letter you wish he would have written to you.”

Danny frowns down at the pad in his hands.  “Matty was’t really… he wasn’t really an apologizer.”  He laughs.  “Or a writer.”

“Just humor me,” the doctor says, flipping through his calendar.  “Monday at 7:50 good for you?”

+

Kono grins up at him as he walks into her office, her smile slipping as he shuts the door behind him.  “Hey?”

“Hey,” he says, sitting down on her couch heavily, laying his head back against the couch and closing his eyes.  He lifts the bag.  “I bring malasadas.”

The couch dips as she sits next to him and he grins as her head fits into the crook of his shoulder.  “Therapy kick your ass as much or more than I do?”

“Different kind of ass kicking,” Danny says, opening the bag and handing her one.  She munches on it and wipes the crumbs on his shirt.  “Hey!”

She giggles.  “Sorry.  You’re wearing a shirt that it’ll blend into, mine’s maroon.”

“I think it might be one of those things where it hurts worse before it feels better.”

Kono nods.  “Yeah, probably.”

“Well how is that helpful, I’m supposed to be feeling better, not making myself worse,” he says, and then takes a bite of malasada and crosses his arms as he chews it.

“You are literally pouting, Danny.  Like, actual pouting.  Arms crossed, pouty lips, pouting.”  She grins up at him.  “It’s really kind of cute.”

“Maybe if I stomp my feet i’ll feel better.”

Kono laughs.  “Worth a shot.”

Instead he just sinks further into the couch and rests his head on top of hers.  “Thanks.”

“What for?”

“Just.”  He closes his eyes and tries to figure out what the hell he’s trying to say.  “I don’t know.  Just being you.”

“Can’t be anybody else,” Kono says, and he doesn’t have to open his eyes to see her wide grin.  “Good thing you like my me-ness, cuz you’re stuck with it.”

They startle as Chin raps on the window.  “Case!”

“So much for easing into today,” Danny says on a sigh.

Kono bounces up and grabs the bag of malasadas.  “Go get us some coffee.  Cream no sugar.”

“Ma’am, yes ma’am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I just wanted to acknowledge something that's happening with this fic kind of unintentionally. Which is to say this: I'm telling it from Danny's POV which means that we're being locked out of Steve's. Which means, even in my head if Chin and Lou are also being there for Steve as well as Danny, I'm not really able to show that because everything is coming from Danny's POV. 
> 
> I will likely wait until I am done with Schism, but I do have a few thoughts of doing a side series of ficlets throughout this story from Steve's POV just to show where he was in all of this. If there's interest.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why is it a fat lady,” Eric says from Danny’s other side, popping the top to another beer. “Like, why can’t it be a hot chick, right? Why’s it always gotta be a fat lady that’s singing at the end of whatever, where is that phrase from anyway, I don’t even get it.”

“I told you.”

“Okay,” Danny says, holding up his hands in Lou’s face.  “Okay, five runs is not an impossible beat.”

“My guys are so kicking your guys asses, Williams, just admit defeat,” Lou says, chewing on the end of an unlit cigar.  “It’s the top of the eighth and if your guys don’t pull off _six runs_ by bottom of the ninth, the fat lady’s sung, my brother!”

“Why is it a fat lady,” Eric says from Danny’s other side, popping the top to another beer.  “Like, why can’t it be a hot chick, right?  Why’s it always gotta be a fat lady that’s singing at the end of whatever, where is that phrase from anyway, I don’t even get it.”

“Son, of the things you don’t get, this is the least of your worries,” Lou says, standing and walking over to the table where all the snacks are, piling his plate high with pretzels, cheese sauce, chips, and spinach dip.  “Why did you bring him, Danny?”

“Well look at him,” Danny says, gesturing over at Eric and grinning.  “He’s like a lost puppy, I felt sorry for the guy.”

“Hey, I ain’t no lost puppy,” Eric says, pouting and crossing his arms.  “What do you mean lost puppy?”

Danny laughs and pats Eric’s knee.  “Nothing, kid.  Don’t worry about it.”

“Sometimes you’re not very nice to me Uncle D,” Eric says, glaring at Danny and then swiveling over to where Renee sits.  “How do you put up with your husband, Ms. Renee, all the sarcasm all the time?”

“He pays the bills,” she says, grinning.  “And makes a mean barbecue.”  She reaches over and pats his knee just like Danny did.  “Besides, it’s said with love… most of the time.”

“What’s this Uncle D business anyway,” Lou asks, sitting back down on the couch and turning to face Danny.  “Jerseyites too lazy to pronounce full names?”  He raises an eyebrow at Eric.  “Is Steve S?  Am I L?”

“No, you’re--”

“Easy,” Danny says, smacking Eric in the chest and then turning to Lou.  

“It’s cuz he was a punk,” Eric says, grinning and ducking out of Danny’s reach.  “Backwards hat and Beastie Boy tshirts and ‘what, you wanna start something’, they called him D cuz it was hard or something.”

Danny cringes.  “That’s not why.”

“Woah woah woah,” Lou says, pushing Danny back so he can get a more direct line of sight to Eric.  “Tell me about this punk Danny.”

Danny waves his hands.  “That’s so in the past, that’s not me anymore, it doesn’t even, I mean, it’s not relevant at all--”

“He’s an angry guy, you know this about him,” Eric says, gesturing at Danny.  “Back in the day he’d just as soon punch a guy as talk to him.  Now he arrests ‘em.”

Danny slouches on the couch.  “So I had some anger management problems.”  He shrugs.  “A little.  That’s actually got nothing to do with why Matty called me D. He’s called me D since we were kids, idiot.”

“Well I just meant D fit your persona back then is all,” Eric says shrugging.  He frowns and then leans forward to get Lou’s attention.  “I don’t mean to say he was a malcontent, man, he was always a good guy, the people he beat deserved it.  I just meant, he was a quick trigger.”

“So let me get this straight,” Lou says, chewing on a ship and studyig Eric.  “How is it you’re such an idiot, I mean, just wow, _such an idiot_ ninety percent of the time, and then you go and use a word like malcontent?”

“Seriously,” Danny agrees, looking over at him and grinning.  “Malcontent?”

“I used it right,” Eric says, throwing his hands up.  “That’s how you use it!”  He frowns and looks around.  “Ain’t it?”

“Yes, honey, you used it right,” Renee says, smiling.  “You really are a cutie, you know that?”

“Why do women love idiots,” Lou asks Danny.  “I swear to God, show ‘em an idiot and they’re just all awwwwww, look how cute!”

“Well I married the biggest idiot in the room, so seems to me you should be grateful,” Renee says sweetly, and then stands up.  “Refills?”

“Lou, your wife is maybe my favorite person on Earth,” Eric says with a huge grin.  “Well.”  He grins bigger.  “Next to Kono.”

“No,” Danny says, pointing at him.

“She ain’t even here Uncle D!”

Danny shakes his head, laughing.  “Still no.  A thousand times no.   No to the billionth degree.”

“Oh Kono would eat you for breakfast kid,” Lou says, shaking his hed and cringing.  “Aside from the fact that she’s married, she would devour you.”

“Yeah she would,” Eric says, wagging his eyebrows.

“Noooo,” Danny says, covering his face.  “You fucking pervert.”

Eric giggles and hooks an arm around Danny’s neck.  “You know you’re a pervert too if you knew what I meant.”

“He’s right when he’s right,” Lou says with a nod.

“Oh, God help me,” Danny says looking up at the ceiling.  “Why?  Why, just why?”

“Oh god,” Lou says suddenly, making Danny’s eyes dart to the tv.  “Oh no.”

“Oh, yes, bases loaded, homerun, aw shit,” Danny yells, standing up at the same time Eric does.  “Are you kidding me?  Lou!  Lou!”  He turns and grins huge and wide down at Lou.  “What about it’s already over?!  What about it’s already done?”

Eric puts a hand to his ear.  “Do you hear it D?”  He squints.  “Cuz I don’t hear no fat lady’s singing yet.”  He grins then and smacks Danny in the arm.  “Or hot chicks neither!”

“Are you kidding me, I leave the room for five minutes and you let the Yankees catch up like that,” Renee complains, coming back into the room with five more beers.  “Lou, what are you doing?”

“What did I tell you about leaving in the middle of a play like that, Renee, this is your fault, you sit your ass in that chair and you don’t move it,” Lou shouts, grabbing his beer and opening it.  Then he ducks his head and looks back over at Renee.  “I mean.”  He smiles.  “I missed you baby!”

“That’s more like it,” she says, stretching her feet out and propping them up on the table.  

+

_Little Brother,_

_I feel stupid.  I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.  Writing a letter to a dead guy, I don’t get how this helps me.  But i can’t say this guy’s a quack that doesn’t help me if I don’t at least try to do what he’s telling me to do.  So I’m sorry.  I’m sorry, Matt.  For failing you.  For not protecting you.  For leaving you and coming here._

_I’m sorry you wouldn’t let me help you.  I’m sorry loving you wasn’t enough to make you do what you should have done.  I’m sorry I didn’t shoot you.  I’m sorry I pointed a gun at your face at all.  I’m sorry I called you a stupid son of a bitch.  I’m sorry you did this.  I’m sorry you’re a fucking idiot.  I’m sorry you felt like you had to do this.  I’m sorry for fuck, for everything.  All of it._

_Fuck Matty, I’m sorry I’m mad at you.  I don’t want to be mad at you.  I feel like a fucking asshole, it’s fucking ugly man.  This burning, coiling pit in my stomach, of just black horrible… I don’t know.  I don’t know what to call it.  Hatred, except I love you._

_I love you so much and I think I’m mad at you because you did this, and you left me to pick up the pieces, and you took off and got yourself killed but Matty I think I’m the most mad because you’re not coming back._

_I can’t hit you in your fucking face and tell you to never do that to me again and then hug you and hold onto you and never let you go because I could never hate you, Matty, you’re my brother, I love you more than anything._

_I feel like a part of me is missing.  Like I’m missing a fucking limb, Matty. I’m missing an entire fucking arm, fingertip to shoulder, and I can’t even function without it.   I don’t know how to.   I don’t know how to talk to anyone about this because no one that knows what really happened knows you enough to feel anything for you except anger on my behalf, and those that love you the same that I do don’t know the truth and I can’t tell them._

_I can’t tell Ma or Pop what happened to you, man.  I can’t tell them their baby boy got cut up in a barrel man, I can’t do it.  Do you know what that would do to them?  Do you know what it did to me?  It ripped my fucking soul out, man.  My baby brother in a barrel, not even whole pieces anymore, not even intact.  My baby brother._

_I changed your fucking diapers. I kicked asses for you.  I hurt when you hurt.  I took the blame for you for years.  I cried when you cried.  You cried when I cried.  You were fucking there for every god damn thing that happened in my life and the time i need you the most, the time i don’t know how to fucking move on, how to fucking cope, how to fucking keep on breathing without this fucking aching throbbing hole in my chest, you’re not here man, because it’s you.  You’re that hole._

_I have a son, man.  I lost him for three years and it’s fucking hard as fuck, but I got a son, and he doesn’t have you for an uncle.  You’re supposed to teach him how to rebel Matty.  You’re supposed to teach him to not be a sad sack fucker like me, you’re supposed to bring him the light like you did for me all those years when I forgot how.  You’re supposed to be this shining beacon of stupid dumbassness and loyalty and steadfastness and be the funny when nothing else is and you’re not going to be that for him.  For me.  For us.  You stole that._

_Gracie misses you so much.  She has such crystal clear memories of you man.  She loves you so much, she keeps you in her heart like you never left and I don’t know how she does that, I wish she could teach me.  She tells jokes like you taught her to man._ _She’s so fucking amazing and she’s growing up so fast and I need you to be here to fucking hate that with me.  I need you to witness Gracie becoming the most amazing woman on this fucking planet because I can’t believe she came out of me and you’re my proof, man.  I just need you to see this with me._

_You’re a hole in my heart and I’m fucking sorry, Matty.  I want you back.  I hate you.  I love you.  I miss you so fucking much.  Fuck you.  I’m sorry.  I need you back man._

_Love you forever,_

_Your Big Brother_

+

“I’ve always wanted a son.  Always,” Danny says, finishing telling the doctor about the situation with Rachel and Charlie.  “I mean, what guy doesn’t want a son?  Play catch, play baseball or football with them, and… and watch them grow up to be a man.  Teach them how to treat women.   Carry on the family name, and just…”  

Danny sighs, scrubbing his face.  “And I guess I haven’t really missed that part of it, but…  I missed all the diapers, doc, and.  I know that’s the messy part.  The changing them at 3am after no sleep, rocking them in your arms while you watch infomercials, letting them scream in your ear while you wanna pull your hair out and then loving their little face when the finally let out the fart they’ve been holding in and giggle up at you.”  

He spreads his hands out.  “All those things, all of those stupid, silly things, they shape your relationship.  I’ve got all of that with Gracie, I can still remember her first disgusting horrible diaper that was part green and made me almost puke.  Why does that seem so important to me?”

Sonai looks at him and lifts one shoulder.  “Because it just is.”

Danny nods, elbows on his knees and hands propping his head up.  “It is, isn’t it.  Maybe it doesn’t matter why, it just is.”  He frowns, looking at him.  “Why do I do that?  Look for the reason in everything.  The why.  Why can’t I just accept things for what they are, I always have to dig and interpret.  Pick and prod and poke and test.  Find the limits of it.  Define it.  Why do I do that?”

Sonai smiles but says nothing.

“Wow, I’m looking for the reason as to why I always look for the reason, aren’t I,” Danny says, laughing.  “I’m a fucking cycle, man.  My brain is just on a never ending cycle, driving me insane.”

“The question for me, Danny, is not why do you do it, it’s can you interrupt the cycle.”  He leans forward in his seat.  “In those moments, when your brain is caught in a loop, when you find yourself obsessing over something to your own detriment, are you aware you’re doing it?”

“Not always,” he says.  “Sometimes, but not always.  Not right away.”

“But when you are, when you know, are you able to stop yourself?”  Sonai makes a cutting motion through the air against his throat.  “Are you able to cut it off at the pass and say woah.  Slow down.  Hold on.”

Danny shrugs.  “I don’t know.  Sometimes.”  He shakes his head.  “In the moment, yes.  At that moment I’m able to shove it to the side and say I’ll deal with it later but in my quiet moments it comes creeping back in.”

“Of course it does, because you’ve not dealt with it,” Sonai says quietly.  “The next time you find yourself caught in a loop like that, whether it be worry about something that has happened or something that might happen I want you to… does your phone have a timer app?  A stopwatch on it?”

Danny frowns down at his phone.  “Uh, I’m sure it does, I’ll just have to figure it out.”

“Set yourself an alarm for five minutes, ten minutes, however long, and allow yourself that time to really concentrate on your problem.  Allow yourself to actively think about whatever worry or problem you’re experiencing, and ask yourself can you change it.  Can you fix it.  And if you can’t, because you usually won’t be able to, what can you do to best arm yourself for it.  To best accept it.”

“And when the alarm goes off?”

“Then you set it aside until the next time,” he says.  “Obsessing about your issues doesn’t help them, but ignoring them also doesn’t.  You’ve been ignoring them, pushing them away and trying to stuff them behind locked doors untouched.  You mentioned you had a dog at one point?”

Danny laughs.  “Yeah.  I love dogs.”

“I have a dog. Jack Russell terrier.  My wife calls him Jack Russell Terror.”

Danny laughs.  “Yeah they’re energetic.”

“If I don’t take him on a three mile run every single morning before I leave for work, he tears up his room.  Would he prefer to be outside or at the park all day long playing, sure.  But he can’t play all day, I have other responsibilities, other things to do with my day.  What I can give him is a three mile run.  So he wakes up, he’s full of piss and vinegar, he gets breakfast, takes his shit, and we go for a run.  I come home to a perfectly clean, not chewed up home.”  Sonai grimaces.  “Damn sight better than before we figured that out and I used to come home to a pissed wife and a dog that ate the door jamb off our spare bedroom.”

Laughing even more Danny leans back on the couch.  “Oh man.  Dogs.  The worst and the best, huh?”

Sonai nods, grinning.  “See what you’re doing, Danny, is your worries and your thoughts are this dog, and you’re waking him up every morning and giving him breakfast, and then you’re pitching him in the back room.  Of course he’s gonna tear shit up.”

“Yeah,” Danny says, nodding and chewing on his lip.  “I guess I just always think, if I actively concentrate on it it’ll just go on longer, but.”  He laughs, looking up.  “In the meantime, I’m still thinking about it, just… Not productively.”

“I’m going to suggest writing it down,” Sonai says, grinning.  “And no, this is not another assignment.  I’m just simply suggesting, from me to you, that I think you handle things better by writing them down.”

“I think I do too,” Danny says quietly.  “I think you making me write that letter to Matty, my brother, I think it helped me sort out how I was feeling a little more cohesively than I was before.  I’m still conflicted, but…  I feel like I understand why better now.”  He frowns.  “Why is that?  Why does writing it down help?”

“I think your mind is so loud,” Sonai says, parroting the words Danny himself had used to describe his own mind a week before, “and so chaotic that writing helps quiet the noise down for you.  The stray thoughts are pushed to the side by thoughts of writing the letters on the piece of paper, holding the pencil, concentrating on getting it out.  I think it slows your process down to a rate you can keep up with and therefore things come through clearer.”

“Again, you’re freaking me out by telling me there are voices in my head,” Danny says, huffing out a laugh.

“We all have multiple voices in our head Danny,” Sonai says, shrugging.  “That’s just a fact.  Our id, our ego, our superego.  They all have different voices.  Yours are just more distinct.  Most people don’t concentrate on themselves as much as you do, they just have jumbled thoughts and come out on the end with a decision.  You pay attention to the process.”

“Huh,” Danny says, nodding.  “Can I tell them to just… shut the fuck up?”

“I’d be out of a job if that were possible,” Sonai says, crossing one leg over the other.  “Is there anything you’d like to discuss about your letter to your brother?”

“Matty?”  Danny reaches over and grabs up the steno pad.  “Did you want to..”  He holds out the pad and gestures like he’s gonna toss it over to him.  “No?”

“It’s none of my business what you write in a letter to your brother,” Sonai says shaking his head.  “That letter’s for you.  I was just asking if it brought up anything that you wanted to discuss.”

Danny frowns down at the pad in his lap and flips to the Matt letter.  He hasn’t read it since he wrote it.  “Um.  I think.”  He takes a deep breath and flips it closed looking back at the doctor.  “I think I’m not as mad as I thought I was?”

Sonai nods. “Okay.”

“I’ve been mad at him for years, but I think mostly what I’ve been mad about was that he didn’t give me time to forgive him,” Danny says, looking down.  “I didn’t get to shake him and call him a fucking asshole and have him apologize and… forgive him,” he says.  Looking up he feels tears fill his eyes.  “Cause, doc, he’s… he’s done a lot of stupid shit.   He really was always such an impetuous, knee-jerk reactionary dolt, and he always did just…. The most stupid, asinine shit, but I could never stay mad at him. I could never hold onto my pissed because he’d give me those eyes and say I’m sorry bro, I didn’t mean it, and I’d tell him he was a jackass and hug him and we’d be good.”

“And this time…”

“And this time I don’t get that,” Danny says softly, blinking as a tear falls.  “I don’t get my sorry, I don’t get those eyes.  I don’t get my hug.”  He reaches up and flicks the few tears away and takes a deep breath.  “That’s pathetic.  I’m pissed cuz I didn’t get a hug.”

“It is what it is, Danny,” Sonai says quietly.  “Stop asking why and making judgement calls on if it’s worthy or not.”

Danny looks up.  “Oh.”  He laughs.  “Right.”

“And how does the guilt sit with you,” Sonai asks after a few moments of silence.  “Are you still feeling that?”

“Yeah,” Danny says, nodding.  “Oh yeah, I don’t think that’ll be going away ever.”

Sonai frowns and leans forward.  “What does your family have to say about that?  Are they blaming you as well?”

Danny closes his eyes.  “I don’t… they don’t know,” he finally whispers.  “There’s things… they don’t know the extent.  It would kill them if they…  They don’t know all of it.”

Sonai is looking silently at him when he finally looks up at him.

“What?”

“Remember what I said about ignoring versus dealing?”  Sonai tilts his head to the side.  “Don’t you think maybe part of your inability to move on may be the fact that you’re keeping part of this to yourself?  Your blame, or perceived blame, in this?  Your culpability?”

Danny squeezes his eyes shut.  “I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just…”  He looks down at his shaking hands and flexes them, trying to make them settle, stop shaking.  They don’t.  “I’m just a fucking pussy. I don’t know if I could take looking into my mothers eyes and know that she blames me for Matty being gone.”

“Our time is up.”

Danny jerks his head up.  “God.  What is that?”

Sonai laughs at his expression.  “I’m sorry?”

“Why is the time always up just when you rip my fucking heart out,” Danny asks, laughing and settling back into the cushions.  “It’s like you save the punch for the end.”

Sonai simply smiles.  “Thursday at 7:50am?”

+

“Why did you move here anyway,” Danny asks, turning the volume down on the tv and rolling his head to look at Eric.

Eric munches on a pretzel and half of it crumbles down his shirt.  “What?  I mean, it’s Hawaii, bro.”

Danny laughs.  “No, I mean…  Why not California or… New York.   Or hell, Hawaii, but why here with me?”

Eric frowns.  “Why not with you?  I moved out man, I’m not in your hair anymore!”

Danny pats Erics knee. “Relax, I’m not saying that.  I’m saying  you finally move out from u nder your mom and you choose to move by me?  Your stick in the mud uncle?”

“You’re not a stick in the mud,” Eric says, looking at Danny like he’s crazy.  “Uncle D, you’re so not a stick in the mud.”

“I am lately,” Danny says, propping his beer on his belly and looking at the silent tv screen.  

“Well yeah, lately,” Eric says, snorting.  “But you’re going through something, you’ll come back.  You always do.”

Danny looks at him. “I do?”

Eric nods.  “You have funks.  It’s like Uncle Matty said, sometimes you get your period, but you always come back.”

Danny smacks a hand to his face.  “Matty said I got my _period_?”

Eric giggles.   “Yeah, man, it’s pretty accurate.”  he bumps his foot against Danny’s leg.  “Usually they don’t last this long though.  You wanna talk about whatever’s going on?”

“I really don’t,” Danny says, but smiles at Eric. “But thanks.”

“Hey, you mind if I crash on the couch tonight Uncle D,” Eric asks, looking at his watch.  ‘By the time Pulp Fictions over it’ll be midnight and I’ve had a few beer.”

“Sure,” Danny says, shrugging.  “You know where the blankets are.”

“Thanks man.”

Danny looks ovar at him.  “You seriously moved here just to be closer to me?”

Eric rolls his eyes.  “Duh, man, yeah.  I missed you.”

Danny pats Eric’s knee again and turns the volume back up on the tv.  “Hey I’m proud of you, what you’ve done with yourself the past few years.  Since getting here.  You’re doing real good work, E.”

“Thanks,” Eric says with a blush, and Danny grins at that.  “That’s… that’s really cool of you to say.”

  
“I missed you too,” Danny says, even quieter.  When Eric looks at him and opens his mouth to speak Danny turns up the tv louder.  “Shut up and watch the movie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) Yes, I absolutely made myself cry actual tears writing the letter to Matty. The Williams boys break me.
> 
> 2) Hey guys, just want to say, I'm not a psychologist nor am I consulting one, LOL. I am simply going by gut, things I personally have heard (as Danny and I are really quite similar in our neuroses) and things I just personally think as an amateur regular person who's in love with psychology and whose friends have always called her their therapist. Don't think I'm speaking with ANY authority in any manner, LOL. (Except for knowing how much it sucks to have a chaotic mind... I am def an authority on that shit lol)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this… this idiot. This caveman. Neanderthal. Stupid, stubborn jackass. This asshole that I pretty much hated on first sight somehow became this fucking force in my life and gave me my happiness back.

_ Dear Danny, _

“What the fuck am I doing,” Danny muttered, staring down at his desk, pen hovering over his pad.

_ Dear Danny, _

_ I suck. _

Danny laughed to himself.  

_ I really, really, really suck.  You know how you used to say I suck?  Well I do. _

“Fuck this,” Danny growls and then opens the drawer to his desk and throws the pad inside.  Such a small thing that little pad.  Stupid, little, useless pad.  Just a little steno pad, 4x7”, an already he’d gone through half of it.   Writing positives, negatives.  Writing down grocery lists.  Writing goals lists.  His letter to Matt.  Half thoughts that occur to him to talk to Sonai about that he never really did get around talking to him about because once they were written down he felt settled with them.

Writing.  Actually cathartic.  Who the fuck knew.

But writing a letter from Matty to himself?  He just couldn’t do it.  He’d tried so many times.  He’d started it so many times, and most of the time he ripped the page out with only two words on it.  

_ Dear Danny, _

That’s it.  Because it just feels impossible.  It feels impossible to put his brothers thoughts on a piece of paper because there’s no one in this world he’d known better than he’d known Matty but he hadn’t known he was capable of embezzlement.  He hadn’t known he was capable of fleeing the law. Of lying to everyone in the family, of laundering money for a god damned drug cartel rather than taking Danny’s hand and doing what was right.

So how was he supposed to write a letter to himself from his brother if he didn’t really ever fucking know his brother at all?

Getting out his phone he texts Eric.

  * **_**_What was Matty’s favorite food?_**_**


  * _Pizza._


  * **_Color._**


  * _What?_


  * **_What was his favorite color?_**


  * _I don’t know._


  * **_Brown because it made him think of shit and always made him laugh._**


  * _Oh yeah, lol.  What’s up man, these are random._



Danny frowns, and doesn’t know how to answer.

  * **_**_I forget what his face looked like sometimes.  Not his regular face, but you know that face he pulled, you know the one.  The one where he was saying one thing but he meant another._**_**


  * _Yeah, the you’re a dumbass and i’m three steps ahead of you one.  Yeah, his lip would curl up on the left and his eyebrow would go down._


  * **_Yeah, the right one, always the right one.  I’m trying to remember if that’s what he looked like the last time I saw him._**


  * _I don’t know man.  Last time I saw him he was happy._


  * **_Was he?  Was he really happy?  Or did he get better at lying to us?_**


  * _What is this D?_



Danny closes his eyes and realizes his hands are shaking.  He sets his phone down and looks at his fingers.  He lowers them to the desk and they drum lightly across the top on their own.

  * **_**_I feel like somewhere along the line I forgot who the fuck my brother was._**_**


  * _Everybody’s got a part of themselves they hide, man.  His was just… ya know.  Not that great._


  * **_But which was the real part?  Which Matty was real?_**


  * _Uncle Matty was always real._


  * **_Really?  Because one was brilliant and happy and didn’t sweat the small stuff and life was easy breezy and could make a joke out of anything, and the other stole millions of dollars to cover his tracks and went on the run for four fucking years and never called me again._**


  * _Does that mean you’re two people?  Or maybe does that mean people are complex and just because you don’t show someone all of you doesn’t meant the part of you you show ain’t real?_



Danny blinks and sets his phone down again, reading the text over and over and over again three times.  

  * **_**_I can’t even begin to decipher that sentence._**_**


  * _I don’t know, it got away from me, I’m saying maybe he was both.  I’m saying I keep asking you if you’re alright and you keep telling me no you’re fine.  Which you’re obviously not, which means you’re lying.  Does that make you two seperate people?  Or maybe just a normal person who doesn’t want to be upset so isn’t admitting he is?_



And well.  Isn’t that a valid point?

  * **_**_I don’t know, it just feels sometimes like i didn’t know him at all._**_**


  * _You did.  You just didn’t know all of him.  No one knows all of anyone._


  * **_Is this your way of telling me you’re secretly a serial killer?_**


  * _If you wake up with a knife in your back, you’ll find out._


  * **_Seriously?  A knife in my back?  That’s not clever at all._**


  * _I ain’t never claimed to be clever._


  * **_Get back to work._**


  * _You first._



Danny stuffs his phone in his pocket and walks out into the bullpen, holding his arms out.  “Who’s up for Rum Fire?”

Chin grins.  “I’m always up for Rum Fire.”

“You’re initiating a team outing,” Lou says, leaning back against the tech table and grinning.  “Someone’s in a good mood.”

“Well don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” Kono says, smacking Lou in the arm.  “You paying for rounds?”

“No,” Danny says, looking over where Steve silently stands in the corner.  “Steven is.  Or at least first round.”

Steve smirks.  “Oh, am I?”

“So pack your wallet,” Danny says, nodding and averting his eyes quickly.  “No oops I forgot.”

“Fine,” Steve says begrudgingly, but Danny can hear the relief in his voice, and that’s all he was looking for.   

+

It’s a nice evening.  The conversation is easy, there are laughs, there’s even one point where Steve lays a hand on Danny’s arm and leans over to say something only Danny can hear.  Just like old times.  Just like every single other time they’ve ever gone out.

And for some reason, that’s exactly what’s wrong with it, because suddenly Danny’s got his eyes closed and he just can’t open them.  He can still feel Steve’s warm hand on his arm, hear his voice in his ear.  Feel the warmth of his entire body as he’d leaned toward him. 

He can feel him above him, fucking him, cock deep inside of him, his breath bursting out against his neck as he fucks him.  Feel how good it felt, to finally have him inside of him.  Feel his lips against his, his tongue, wants to feel it again.  Wants to turn his head and grab the base of Steve’s neck and pull him forward, kiss him right then and there in front of Kono and Chin and Lou and Abby and Max and Jerry and God, just everybody.  Because it felt like nobody was there at all, just them, just him and Steve, like it always had.  Like when they were together, nothing and no one else even fucking counted.

Wants to cup Steve’s face in his hands and kiss his eyebrow, kiss his nose, kiss his lips, and say  _ I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry, I didn’t want it that way either.  I wanted this.  I’ve always wanted this. _

“Hey.”

Steve’s lips against his ear and all he wants is more.

“Danny, you okay?”

“No,” he says, and his eyes fly open.  He looks around the table at everyone’s eyes on him and feels like a giant fucking mess.  Like a trainwreck.  Like every fucking bad movie he’s ever seen, like he’s falling the fuck apart in front of everyone that ever meant anything to him on this damn island and they’re all going to share pitying looks and laugh at him when he’s gone.

Poor Danny.  Poor, sad, sad Danny.  He just can’t get it together.

Which of course is exactly true.  Not that his friends would say it or even think it, but the sentiment is true nonetheless, so he stands up and looks at them and wants to make some sort of speech.    Some sort of reassurance that he’s fine, that he’ll be fine, that they don’t need to worry about him.

“I…”

Except of course that’s a fucking lie.

“I have the kids tomorrow,” he finishes lamely, not meeting anyone’s eyes but Max’s, because Max is the only one who doesn’t look like he’s sad for Danny.  Only confused.  “I just remembered, I have uh.  Things.  There are things.”

“Danny,” Steve says again, and when he reaches to touch Danny’s arm Danny jerks it away so fast he stumbles a few steps to his left and knocks into Kono’s chair.

“Hey,” she says, starting to stand.  “Why don’t I--”

“I’m good,” he says, putting a hand on her shoulder and pushing her back down.  “I’m… I just have a thing.”

“You sure you good to drive, son,” Lou says quietly from across the table, a frown playing over his calm face.  “You know I got a breathalizer in my car, I’m not above using it.”

Danny waves a hand.  “I’m good, I’ve only had three,” he says, and it’s the truth.  The evening’s really only just really begun.  “Alcohol is not my… I’m okay to drive.”

“If I leave will you stay?”

Danny can’t even stand to look at Steve after he hears him ask that.  He can’t even figure out what he feels.  Fear.  Anger.  Sadness.  Guilt.  All of them, all at once, at top volume.  “No.  Steve, stay.  You didn’t do anything.  It’s me. I just need to go.  Okay guys?  I just need to.”

He turns and goes, slides the key into the ignition with shaky hands, and as he pulls out he sees Steve in his rearview mirror leaning against the wall with his arms crossed and a broken look on his face.

+

He’s on his second whiskey sour when a body slides into the stool next to him.  Turning his head he sees the familiar long blonde hair, perfect surfer look.  The twinkling blue eyes, and crooked nose.  The smile.   The long, agile fingers.

“Not Tristan,” he says, grinning at Danny.  “Christian.”

“Shockingly, I actually did remember this time,” Danny says, propping his head in his hand, turning his body to face him.  “I thought you said if I ever saw you again I shouldn’t bother.”

“Yeah, I know, but I forgot how seriously hot your ass was,” Christian says, and winks the dirtiest, sloppiest wink Danny’s ever seen.  “You haven’t been in in a while, Danny.”

“Yeah, had a bad night,” Danny says, looking away and downing the rest of his drink, motioning for another.  “So for what it’s worth, I’m sorry for being such a massive--”

“Whatever, water under the whatever,” Christian says, leaning his leg against Danny’s, his hand coming down to clasp over his thigh.  “Whatsit?”

“Bridge, water under the bridge,” Danny says, and covers his face.  God, he’s too young.  He reminds him of Eric for God’s sake. “How old are you?”

“28.”

Danny cringes.  “Yeah.  Why are you here?”  He opens his eyes and looks at him.  “Seriously, why are you hooking up with jackasses like me when you could be out at a nice college bar finding someone to hold hands with and take to the movies?”

“Aw, that’s sweet, Daddy,” Christian says with a laugh.  “Because I’m not looking for that crap, I’m looking to get laid.”  He looks Danny up and down with clear intent.  “You wanna?”  He runs his hand up Danny’s leg and cups his cock, and despite every misgiving Danny’s cock stirs just slightly in response.  “I’ll blow you, you can fuck me, whatever you want.  And this time I won’t spend the night so you won’t have to ask me to leave.”

His body says yes, it says yes, please, God yes, but his mind balks.  “Listen.”

“Come on, we can do it here,” Christian says, and then starts pulling on Danny’s hands.   Danny almost tumbles off of his stool Christian yanks him so rough.  He drags him towards the bathroom, squeezing Danny’s ass.  “I can’t wait to get my mouth around your cock, you make the sweetest sounds.”

“I didn’t…  Christian look,” Danny starts again, but then he’s being shoved through the bathroom doors and into one of the stalls, and Christian’s lips are plastered to his, his hands already down Danny’s pants.

His hands aren’t big like Steve’s.  His mouth is narrower than Steve’s.  His throat doesn’t smell like Steve’s did.  His tongue and lips don’t feel like Steve’s do.  Danny thinks that may have been the appeal the last time, and the time before with someone else.  And the time before and before and before.  He thinks maybe he’s been trying to chase away the feel of Steve on him and in him with these stupid little bathroom fucks with strangers, these mostly nameless and faceless fucks in bathrooms and back rooms and with Christian, the one time he’d brought one of them home.

It makes him feel dirty and disgusting and he’s not this guy.  He’s really not, he’s never been this guy and he doesn’t want to be.  And maybe that’s also been the point, because maybe this guy, the guy that fucks a stranger in the bathroom, just doesn’t care that much about all the other shit.  Maybe that guy doesn’t miss his brother every second of every day, maybe that guy doesn’t have a kid that doesn’t know what to call him, maybe that guy doesn’t wake up feeling so alone he wonders why he even bothers to get out of bed.

Or maybe he’s just punishing himself, because this certainly isn’t fucking healing him.

“Hey,” Danny says, and shoves Christian back.  “Seriously, stop,” he says, and then puts a hand on Christian’s chest to hold him away from him. “You are ridiculously sexy, okay?  This is not a personal rejection, except you’re not what I need tonight okay?  I shouldn’t even be here.  I think I need to not come here anymore at all in fact.”

“What you want a brunette tonight,” Christian asks, reaching down to readjust his pants.  “Just close your eyes.”

“No,” Danny says, and fumbles behind himself to unlock the stall door and stumble out.  “I want to go home.”

So he does.

+

“I can’t seem to actually do it.  And it’s frustrating because when I wrote the letter  _ to _ him, it really seemed to help.”  Danny sighs and leans back on the couch, crossing his arms over his chest.  “I guess I just don’t feel like I know what he’d say.”

“Well there’s no timetable on these things,” Sonai says, nodding a little.  “You can’t rush healing, Danny.  You just do the work as you can.”

“Hm,” Danny grunts, and then sips on his coffee silently for a moment.  

“You seem upset this morning,” the doctor says.  “Did anything happen since Tuesday you’d like to address?”

Danny snorts.  “Why do I seem upset?”

“Your socks don’t match, your hair is not as perfectly combed as it normally is,” Sonai says, grinning wider and motioning to Danny’s leg.   “And your leg is bouncing up and down twice as fast as my pulse.  You are out of sorts.”

“Uh, yeah,” Danny says.  “It’s just… things have been better.”  He clears his throat.  “Things have been… no.  I have  _ felt _ better  _ about _ things recently.”

“But.”

“But nothing’s actually gotten better,” Danny says.  “And.  And that’s okay in some cases.  I mean, Matty’s gonna be dead tomorrow and the next day and next year and forever, so that can’t get better.  So that one’s all about… just, how I deal,” Danny says, shrugging.  “But Steve is.  Last night we all went out and it was good.  I mean it was better than good. And Steve was… he was better.  But nothing’s actually changed.  Not for me.” Danny shakes his head.  “I don’t know how to be half of what we were, I don’t know how hold back, I don’t know how to not be 100% with him.”  He shrugs.  “It’s like, either nothing, or all for me.  With him.”

“Steve,” Sonai says quietly, setting his pad down.  Danny’s noticed by now that if the doc sets his pad down, the topic is important to him.  He immediately stiffens up.  “This is the topic you’ve yet to address with me.”

“I know.”  Danny takes a deep breath and shoves his hands through his hair, messing up his already mussed up ‘do.  “I know.  I’m…  Embarrassed.  Ashamed.”

“I’ve let you set the timetable here, Danny, it’s up to you what we discuss and when,” Sonai says, and then he grins.  “But you’re the one who’s fussed about wasting money on these sessions, so ya know… the sooner you address it.”

Danny lets out a surprised laugh.  “You bastard.”

Sonai shrugs.  “If it works.”

“It’s.”  Danny closes his eyes.  “I’ve just.  I’ve ruined the best friendship I’ve ever had.  And the thing is, I don’t know how to fucking live here.  I’m not saying.  I don’t mean.”  He stops and waves his hands a minute, trying to express something he just doesn't know how to put to words.  “I just mean, he is so fucking intrinsic to my happiness here.  Here being Hawaii.”

“Friends are important.”

“He’s so much more than just.”  Danny scrubs at his face.  “Before I had him I had little moments of happiness. Tiny, little bursts of not sucking.  Because of Grace, my baby girl.  That was it, that was all.  Just her, only her.”  HIs throat closes and he swallows a few times to work past it.  “And he didn’t just help me find more moments, he settled me.  He.  I don’t know.  Opened my eyes.”  Digging his fists into his khaki’s he sinks down further into the couch and lets out a choked laugh looking at the ceiling, blinking as a tear falls out.  “God damn am I sick of fucking crying.”

The doctor nods.  “Opened your eyes?”

Danny sighs, crossing his arms.  “He got me to a place where I noticed more things that didn’t suck until finally somehow the things that didn’t suck outweighed the things that did.  And didn't even just not suck, but… were actually  _ good. _  Where I wasn’t just not miserable, but  _ happy. _ ” __

He pauses to try and get some sort of control back, can’t even see as he looks at the ceiling, the tiles above him swimming together. He expects Sonai to prompt him, to encourage him to go on, but he just gets silence in return.

“So this… this idiot.  This caveman.   Neanderthal.  Stupid, stubborn jackass.  This asshole that I pretty much hated on first sight somehow became this fucking force in my life and gave me my happiness back.  My family back.  And I love them, so much.  I love Kono, and Chin.  Lou.  So much.  But he.”  He breaks off on a sob, taking a shuddering breath and reaching up to cover his face.  “He’s.  He’s just.”   He takes another breath.  Another.  “God.  I’m so fucking in love with him doc.  I’m fucking at sea here.”

“You haven’t told me what happened,” Sonai says.

Danny laughs.  “I’m shocked.  I thought for sure you’d say my time was up.”

“Danny.”

“I had sex with him,” Danny says quietly.  “I… begged him to have sex with me.  Because I was broken and felt like shit and awful and I don’t know, punishing myself maybe, or just… selfish, I just, I wanted him.”  He can’t look at Sonai, even though he knows he won’t see judgement there. He still can’t do it.  “Used him, either way, doesn’t matter if it was to make myself feel better or feel worse, but I didn’t think it through, I didn’t think about the consequences.  I just wanted.  Now.  Here.”

“And now there’s a rift.”

“And I don’t know if I’ll ever get him back,” Danny says, nodding.  “If he’ll ever be able to forgive me. He.  He still cares, I know he still cares, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be around him like we were.  If he’ll ever be able to be around me without hating me for that night.  Me, around him, without wanting him.”  He shrugs.  “Because I just.  I just, even more than before, I want him.  Like, like I know what he tastes like and I can’t get it off my tongue and.”  He laughs and looks at the doctor.  “Sorry.  TMI.”

“There’s no such thing as too much information in this room, Danny,” Sonai says, and looks at his watch.  “But now your your time  _ is _ up.”

Danny grins.  “‘Course it is.”

“Homework.”

“Goody,” Danny says sarcastically, except for how so far, he’s actually found the doctors advice to be helpful, even if he’d never admit it.  “Let me guess, I should write Steve a letter telling him everything I just told you.”

“If that helps you sort it in your head, sure,” Sonai says, inclining his head, “but my homework for you is for you tell him face to face.”

Danny freezes, blinking.  “Aw, I dunno doc.”

“If he means as much to you as you’ve just shown he does, then isn’t it worth saying it outloud,” Sonai asks. 

Danny feels positively frozen in fear.  “I…  I can’t.  I can’t, if he doesn’t, Doc what if he…  I don’t know if I can handle it if he doesn’t…”  He flounders.

“He may,” Sonai says, nodding slowly.  “He may reject you.  He may not accept it.  He may not believe it.  He may still be angry.”  He lowers his voice even more and Danny wants to close his ears to it but can’t.  “He may never forgive you, but does that mean you don’t owe him the truth?  Does that mean you don’t owe it to yourself to be upfront with him?”

“I’ve told him,” Danny says helplessly.  “He knows I love him.  He knows how much he means to me.”

Doctor Sonai nods and flips his calendar open.  “Monday?”

“Yeah,” Danny says, nodding and standing.  “Okay doc.  Thanks.”

“Have a good weekend.”

Danny smiles and means it, despite how spun he feels.  “You too.”

+

It’s difficult to walk into the office that morning.  Somehow more difficult than it had been the day after it had all happened to begin with, which doesn’t make any sense, but so much of this doesn’t make sense to Danny that he figures it’s just par for the course.

“Hey,” Chin says, straightening up as Danny walks in. 

“Hey,” Danny says, resting a hand on Chin’s shoulder and squeezing.  “Got any leads?”

Chin’s halfway through walking Danny through their progress when Kono appears at his side and the look she gives him makes him feel awful for how he left things last night, so he slings an arm around her and kisses her temple.  “I’m okay.  Promise.”

She punches him in the side but then she smiles at him and he knows he’s forgiven.

“Danny?”

Danny turns to face Steve, leaning in the doorway of his office with his hands stuffed into his pockets.  “Yeah.”

“Can I talk to you for a sec?”

Kono’s grip on him tightens for a moment before she lets him go.  “Yeah, alright,” Danny says, nodding and walking towards him.  “Longer than, if you need,” he says, trying on a smile.  Steve doesn’t smile back.

Danny swallows dryly as Steve closes the door after he enters and sits down in the chair opposite Steve’s desk.  Steve perches on the edge.  “What happened last night?”

Danny looks down at his hands. “I just needed to get out of there.”

“Don’t give me a bullshit excuse of you needing to do a  _ thing _ for your kids.”

“No you’re right, that was bullshit,” Danny says, nodding.  “That wasn’t it.”

“Okay, thank you,” Steve says, his shoulders relaxing and his voice softening.  “Then what happened?  I thought we were having a good time.”

“We were,” Danny says, finally looking up.  “I don’t know babe. I just.”  he shrugs.  “I panicked.”

“But why,” Steve pleads, leaning forward.   “Danny I felt like we were finally us again. I felt like we were getting it back.”

“Steve.”

“Please, just tell me,” Steve says, and Danny looks up at him and is surprised to see tears in his eyes.  “Danny I just want us to get back to where we were.”

“I don’t know if we can,” Danny says, mouth twisting slightly.  He reaches out and grabs Steve’s hand, takes it in both of his and squeezes, tight.  “We need to talk, okay?  We do.  But.  Not here.  Not now.”  He meets Steve’s eyes and it kills him to do it.  “Okay?  It’s too much for here. I can’t here.  Later okay?”

“Today,” Steve asks, squeezing back.  “Please Danny.  Today.”

  
“Okay,” Danny says, nodding.  “Today.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in getting this one out! I got stuck! But I thought you guys would hopefully rather wait for a good chapter than something I just threw together to make it out in a more timely manner. 
> 
> Still feeling on track for 5 more chapters, so 15 chapter fic. BIGGGGGEST EVER. For me.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you just have to say things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in this one, this was a difficult transitionary chapter that was kind of a delicate balance type of thing... Took a minute to figure out.

“Hey.”

Kono looks up from her paperwork and smiles.  “Hey.”

“You wanna…”  He clears his throat and then walks into her office.  “I kinda just wanna get outta here.  Lemme take you to lunch?”

She quirks an amused eyebrow at him.  “Like I’d say no to that?”

Kono suggests they go to the Italian place “with the really good rolls!” and there’s no way Danny says no to that because you don’t get more comforting food than some homecooked good Italian.  “So,” she asks, picking up a roll and grinning at him as she breaks off a piece and shoves it in her mouth.  “How’s therapy?”

“Oh you know,” Danny says, shrugging and looking down at his own roll.   “I go in, sit down, he rips my soul to tiny little sharp shards that cut my insides up, and when it’s time to go I pick em up and just kind of…”  He shrugs again, and pops a bite into his mouth.  “Put ‘em back in my pocket.”

“But it’s helping?”

Danny chews thoughtfully for a few moments and watches the way Kono pretends to be reading the menu, like she’s not concerned at all.  It’s sweet, even if it doesn’t fool him.  “Yeah, you know?  I think maybe.”

“Chin said…” Kono hesitates and then looks up at him.  “After the prison break, when I told him how his therapist was concerned and that’s how we found out.  After he admitted it, he said just talking about it to someone that didn’t have a stake in it helped.  He didn’t know why, but just.  Like a sounding board.”  She bites her lip.  “Is it like that for you?  Like, you just need a wall to bounce balls off of?”

He laughs.  “Yeah, a little,” he says, and then the waitress comes by to take their order.  When she goes he leans forward, folds his hands on top of each other.  “He gives homework.”  He laughs again.  “And, you feel dumb yeah?  Like, he has me basically journaling my day, but…  I think even if do feel a little precious writing about my day like I need to spray perfume on the paper and sprinkle some glitter on top, I feel like it helps me… I don’t know.”

“Sort it out in your head,” Kono says, propping her head in her hand.  

“Yeah.  Make it… put it in order, rearrange it so it makes sense, maybe make it…”  He clears his throat.  “Like break it down into its parts so I can deal with it in bits instead of trying to take the whole thing on at once.”

“You seem.”  She chews on her lip, studying his face.  “I don’t want to say better, because that’s not what… not better, but.  Calmer.  Not completely your old self, but.”  He takes a deep breath.  “I’m not worried you’re just gonna disappear one day and I’ll never see you again.”

He locks eyes with her and wonders when exactly it was she’d become this amazing woman sitting in front of him and what the hell he did to make her care so much about him.  “I wouldn’t do that.”

“Yeah, I don’t know,” she says, leaning back in her chair.  “Lou and I were pretty sure we’d come in one day and find a resignation letter.”

Danny looks down and away.  “Okay.  That, yes, that was a possibility,” he admits, clearing his throat and tapping his fingers on the table.  “But I wouldn’t just disappear on you.  I might have left, but I’d still be here any time you needed me.”

“Yeah but we don’t want you around because we need you, Danny,” she says quietly, twisting her fingers in the napkin around her silverware.  “Sometimes I don’t think you realize at all how much you mean to us.  Not just about the job, but about you as a person.  You as a friend.”

“Thanks babe,” he says, smiling and reaching over to cover her hand with his.   “You too, to me.  I really appreciate how much you’ve been here for me.  I was.  Am, still, a little, just.  A bit adrift, I needed you to anchor me and I didn’t even know I could ask you to do that for me.”

“We all need that sometimes,” she says, pausing as the waitress arrives with their lunch, smiling at er and thanking her.  “We need to realize we’re all that for each other.  Ohana’s not an empty word, Danny.  I mean it when I say it.”  He locks eyes with him. “I love you.  And Steve, and Lou.  Max.  Jerry.”  She quirks a smile.  “I may even love Eric, given enough time.”

He holds his hands up.  “No no no, I think the best we can hope for there is toleration.”  he motions to himself.  “The kid’s my blood and sometimes the best I can do is affection.”

She winks at him.  “Liar.”

He grins and doesn’t argue.  “But yeah, his homework makes me feel a bit dumb, but does help.”  He sighs, and twists his fork into the pasta on his plate.  “And now he wants me to come clean to my parents on a few things, but.  I don’t know.  I just don’t know if I can do that.”

“Like,” she asks, using a piece of bread to sop up some spaghetti sauce.  

“They don’t…”  Danny sets his fork down and reaches down to scrub sweaty palms on his pants.  “There’s a lot about Matty they don’t know,” he says finally, looking up at her.  “A lot about why.  And how.  About my involvement.  The money.  The uh.”

“How,” she asks quietly.

“Yeah, they uh, they don’t know why it was closed casket, they don’t know…”  He waves a hand and chokes out a slight laugh.  “See, I can’t even talk to you about it, and you know the truth.”

She just nods.  “But maybe that’s one of those things you need to break down?  Make into parts to deal with it?”  She leans forward and lowers her voice.  “You never talk about it, doesn’t it kill you to keep it all in?  And when you do, if you do… to not be able to say what’s really on your mind?”

He nods.  “Yeah, but.  I can’t help but think, okay, so.  So maybe it makes me feel better.  Less alone.”  He reaches up to wipe at his brow, swiping his hand down his face.  “But.  At their expense?”

“Do you really think they don’t know,” she asks finally after a moment of silence.  “I’ve met your mom.  She’s not dumb, do you really think she doesn’t know there’s stuff you’re not saying?”

“Of course they know there’s stuff I’m not saying,” he says, looking down.  “Yeah, they know.  But there’s a big.”  He motions, words failing him.  “A big difference between knowing there’s this undefined, ambiguous _something,_ and finding out what exactly it actually is.”

She looks at him and he can see the gears turning.  “Okay,” she says finally, and grins.  “You’re about to get pissed at me.”

He laughs.  “Just say it.”

“I’m just saying,” she says, holding up her hands.  “Ask yourself this.  What if it was Grace.”  his heart drops and she darts out a hand to grab his arm. “No no, no, not.. I’m saying, what if I said Grace was going through something that really hurt her, but that she won’t tell you because it’ll hurt you too?”

He blinks, trying to breathe again.  “That’s not.  That’s not fair.”

“Isn’t it,” she asks.  “You think your parents love you less than you love Grace?”

He shakes his head.  “No, of course not.   But.  He was their kid too, Kono.”

“I know,” she says, tucking into her spaghetti, stuffing a bite into her mouth.  “But just what if.  If it was Grace, you’d want her to tell you wouldn’t you?”

+

“Hey,” Danny says, poking his head in Steve’s office.

“Hey,” Steve says, smiling softly.  “What’s up?”

“So listen,” Danny says, walking into the office, rubbing his hands together.  “I’ve got Grace this evening.  Charlie’s not coming but Grace is, and I know I said we’d talk today--”

“Oh,” Steve says, leaning back and the lost look on his face makes Danny’s heart clench.  “That’s okay, Danny, we can talk tomorr--”

“No,” he says, holding up a hand.  “No, I’m saying, why don’t you come over tonight, after dinner.  She’ll be done with homework, and we’ll be settling in,” he says.  “Bring some icecream or something, we’ll watch tv or a movie, or play cards or something.”  He clears his throat, looks away.  “She uh, she’s been missing her Uncle Steve time, and I know you’ve been missing Gracie time, so.”

“I really have,” Steve says quietly, and he sounds a hell of a lot more emotional than Danny’s prepared to deal with, so Danny backs away towards the door, not looking at him.

“Right, so good, it’s settled.  Seven, okay?  And when she goes to bed, we’ll talk.  Okay?”

“Yeah,” Steve says, and Danny finally looks back at him.  At the hesitant smile, the hopeful look in his eyes.  “Yeah, Danny that’s sounds great.  I’ll see ya’ll then.”

+

“Dannooo!”

“No!”  Danny straightens his towel and crosses his legs and grins up at his daughter, squinting into the sun.  “No means no, Grace.  When a man says no, he means no.”

“Lame,” Grace fusses, and throws a towel in his face, giggling as he splutters.  “You only caught three waves!”

“And faceplanted ten others,” Danny says, throwing the towel back at her and laughing as well.  “Come on, let your lame old man take a breather, huh? Gimme a break?”

“Fine,” Grace says, rolling her eyes and spreading her towel out next to him, kicking sand up into his face as she does so.  He waves a hand to get her to stop popping the towel.  “I’ll take a breather with you but you’re going back out there with me later.”

He takes a bottle of water for himself and hands her one.   She reaches down and peels off her rashguard and he cringes inwardly as she exposes her bikini.  As bikinis go it’s perfectly fine, modest even, not skimpy at all, but for God’s sake, that’s his _baby_ there.  “Must you?”

She rolls her eyes and throws it at him as well.  “God Dad, get over it.  I want to get a tan!”

“You are perfect just the way you are, you don’t need a tan, and I don’t need boys staring at you,” he says, but folds up the shirt and stuffs it into the beach bag to his side.  “Just know that if I catch any boys staring at you--”

“You have no qualms about humiliating me in front of them, yeah, I know,” she says, closing her eyes as she lays down.  

“I will stare them down and tell them you are thirteen and they need to keep walking or I will arrest them,” Danny says, glaring down at Grace’s amused face.  “Don’t think I won’t.”

“Trust me, Dad, I know you will,” she says, her tone wry and sarcastic, and it sounds just like her mother’s.  “You live to embarrass me.”

“I do,” he says, nodding.

“You’re good at it too.”

He grins.  “Thanks, hon.  Good to know I’m still good at something.”  He looks down at her and studies her profile.   “Hey Grace?  How are things?”

“Things,” she asks, opening one eye to look at him.

“At home, with your mom,” he says, turning to face her, crossing his legs.  Sand scratches under his shorts and he hates, hates, hates the damn beach.  “How are you doing with that… whole thing.”

“With the fact that my Mom’s a liar,” Grace asks, arching an eyebrow.  “I’m great.”

“Grace.”

She heaves a huge sigh.  “I don’t want to talk about it to you,” she says finally, looking up at him.  “You just say that I shouldn’t be mad at Mom and that she loves me and that it’s between you and her and--”

He looks away, and hears Renee in his head, swallowing thickly.  “You’re right.  What she did was awful.  It was a horrible thing to do.  And it hurt me a great deal, and it’s not just between me and her, it affected you too.”  Glancing down at her as she raises to her elbows he takes a deep breath.  “I’m sorry she lied to us.  I’m sorry for my part in making her lie to us.  And you’re right.  You have every reason and right to be angry with her.”

She blinks at him and looks shocked and he can’t help but laugh slightly.  “Seriously?”

“Yeah, baby, seriously,” he says.  “I don’t have all the answers, Grace.  I don’t know the right thing to do all the time.  Half the time.  Hell.” He laughs and shrugs.  “Any of the time.  Life doesn’t have a right and wrong rule book, I don’t know what to say to you about this whole messed up situation.”  He reaches over and tucks a piece of hair behind her ear.  “But a good friend said maybe all I really need to do is let you know that everything you’re feeling is valid and legitimate.  It’s not wrong for you to be angry, sweetheart.  I am too.”

Grace’s mouth trembles just slightly and he reaches over and catches her tear the second it falls.  “I don’t actually hate her, but I’m so mad Dad.  I don’t understand.”

“Neither do I,” he says softly, letting his hand fall to her shoulder.  “Have you told her how you feel?”

She shakes her head.  “I can’t do that, Dad.  I don’t want to hurt her feelings.”

“Oh babe, I love you so much,” he says, feeling his chest swell.  “Always caring more about everyone else.”

She frowns.  “Kinda like you, huh?”

He laughs.  “Sometimes, yeah.”

“Moani says sometimes you have to say things,” she says quietly, looking away.  “Even when they’re hard.  Especially when they’re hard.  Because it’s harder to not say them, and it’ll only be easy once you do.”

“Yeah,” Danny asks, and feels the hair stand up on the back of his neck, because it’s like his therapist all over again, Kono all over again.  Everything pointing to him needing to suck it up and just fucking tell his parents the truth.  It coming from his daughter just makes it that much harder to deny.  “You think she’s right?”

“I mean I guess,” she says, wrinkling her nose at him.  “Because I keep feeling this way and I’m going to keep feeling this way unless I talk to her about it.  And I might still be angry with her even after, but maybe I might not be.”  She squints up at Danny like he’s got all the answers in the world, and God, he only wishes he actually did.  “Maybe you have to say the hard things so they’re not hard anymore?”

“Yeah, babe, ya know?”  He hauls her into his side in a hug and kisses the top of her head.  “I think you may be right on that one.”

+

At seven on the dot there’s a knock on his door and Danny fights off the wave of panic he feels.  It’s too late, and past time to sort this anyway, besides Grace has already flew to swing the door open and just about knock Steve over with the ferocity of her hug.

“Uncle Steve!”

“Oh, Gracie,” Steve says, and hugs her so tight it makes Danny’s chest clench.  “It’s been too long, huh kid?”

“Yeah, what’d you bring, ice cream? Cookies? Brownies?”

Steve laughs and gives Grace an arched eyebrows. “Are you happy to see me, or see what I brought for dessert?”

“Shut up Uncle Steve,” Grace says, grinning up and him and hugging him even tighter before letting go and taking the grocery bags out of his hands.  “Cookies _and_ ice cream.  Awesome!  I’ll go get bowls, meet you at the table!”

Danny watches Steve look around at several different places before his gaze finally falls on Danny.  “Hey,” Danny says.

“Hey,” Steve says, looking down and scratching the back of his neck.  He looks down at the couch and it’s then that Danny realizes that Steve hasn’t been there since that night.  Since that night happened, on this very couch.

“Thanks for coming.”

“‘Course,” Steve says, fidgetting before leaning his hip against the back of the couch.  “I’ll always come.”

“You will won’t you,” Danny says quietly, reaching over to put his hand on top of Steve’s.  “You know, as much as I’ve felt you pull away, as much as I’ve felt like I couldn’t reach you these past few weeks…. I guess I’ve always known that you’d still always come, even if i didn’t deserve it.”

Steve sighs and Danny watches him clutch his hands together trying to figure out what to say.  “Danny.”

“Have you ever played Texas Hold ‘Em with a 13 year old card shark,” Danny asks, as Grace comes back in the room, balancing three bowls of ice cream and holding a package of cookies in her mouth.  “Cuz you’re about to.”

“Ah,” Steve says, grinning and watching Grace head over to the table.  “Looking forward to it.”

“We’re playing with real money, Uncle Steve,” Grace says, walking over to him and digging her hand in his back pocket, making him huff out a surprised laugh.  “That means you have to open this, and take out the green stuff,” she says, smacking it against his chest.

Steve laughs and looks back at Danny.  “I think you’ve maybe told her what a miser I am one too many times, Danno.”

And God.  Hearing that out of his mouth after God knows how long, if it’s not enough to break him in fucking two right here in the middle of his den.  Thankfully Grace is enough of a distraction, taking Steve by his hands and dragging him over to the table and explaining the rules of Texas Hold ‘Em after Steve asks for a refresher.  It gives Danny time to head to the kitchen and stick his head in the fridge for a good minute before pulling out a few beers.  

Grace, of course, takes them both for everything they’re worth.  There is nothing awkward and Danny hasn’t laughed this hard in months, and he’s pretty sure Steve hasn’t either.  Grace’s smile is like a bandaid on Danny’s soul and Steve’s leg is pressed against Danny’s the whole time and it’s just like it always was, like it’s always been.

“Alright, that’s it,” he finally says, looking down at his watch.

“Aw, come on, Danno, I don’t wanna go to bed,”  Grace pouted at him.

“It’s eleven, monkey,” he says, laughing and stretching his arms above his head as he yawned.  “It’s past _my_ bed time.”

She grumbles but only for show and then starts counting her money up and gloating as Steve grumbles and hangs his head in shame.  “I can’t believe I lost to a teenaged _girl_ ,” he says, sharing a commiserating look with Danny.

“My baby learned some mad skillz from her pops, yo,” Danny says, grinning from ear to ear and scratching at his belly.  Steve’s eyes dip just slightly and Danny flushes from head to toe to realize that he’s watching the spot of skin exposed as Danny’s shirt rides up.

“Okay, night you old fogies,” Grace says, folding her money neatly and putting it into her pocket.  She leans over and grabs Steve’s face and smacks a kiss to his forehead and hugs him before leaning around him to do the same to Danny.  Danny’s and Steve’s shoulders press together.  “Love ya’ll.”

“Love you, Gracie,” Steve says softly, watching her walk out of the room.

“You know, I really meant it,” Danny says softly, knocking his knee against him.  “You will always be her Uncle, separate of me.  It will never matter what’s going on with us, you will always be her Uncle Steve, she will always love you.  You can always call her, text her, hang out with her.  You don’t need to ask me.”

“God, I’ve missed the fuck out of her,” Steve says, and then ooks over at Danny.  “I’ve missed the fuck out of _you_ , Danny.”

“Hey, come on,” Danny says, standing and pointing towards the door to his back yard.  “I don’t want curious ears listening.”

They sit down at the table outside and Danny watches Steve watching him and suddenly is at a complete loss for words.  “Tonight was really great, Steve.”

“Yeah,” Steve says quietly.  “Like old times.”

“There are things,” Danny starts, looking away.  “I need to, there’s things I need to say but i don’t know how to or.  Or how to even start, but.  I just need you to listen and let me talk okay?”

“Danny.”

“No, Steve, listen,” Danny says, smiling and looking down.  “This actually isn’t meant to be a discussion.  It would actually be just a lot easier for me if you could just let me talk and not even say anything.”

Out of the corner of his eyes he can see Steve reach up to scrub at his face before nodding.  “Okay.”

“I’m gonna leave for a while,” Danny says quietly, twisting his fingers together in his lap.  “I’m gonna go back East, go home, for a while.”

“A while.”

“I don’t know how long,” Danny says, squinting up at the porch light.  “I think it may be one of those things that’s just an until.  I’ll be gone until.”

“Is everything okay?  Your mom okay?”

“No,” Danny says after a little hesitation.  “I mean yes, everyone’s fine, Steve, it’s me that’s not.”  He clears his throat and looks over at Steve.  “I’m not fine.  I haven’t been fine.  I haven’t been fine for a lot longer than I think I’ve even realized.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” Danny says, letting out  a breath and looking down at his hands again.  “I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you.  I’m sorry for lashing out at you.  I’m sorry for getting pissed at you for being pissed at me.  I’m sorry for not being a very good friend.”

“That’s not true.”

Danny looks at him.  “What’s not true?”

“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, Danny,” Steve says quietly.  “The best I’ll ever have.  These past few weeks don’t change that.”

Danny feels his heart clench and tears threaten to spill over but God damnit, he wanted to get through this without doing that.  Just this one thing.  Just this one conversation.  He clears his throat.  “I haven’t been acting like it, Steve, but thanks for saying that.”

“It’s true.”

“Steve please, just let me…”  Danny closes his eyes and gestures.  “Remember the part where I said just let me talk?”

Steve smiles, laughing.  “Sure.  Go ahead.”

“There’s just some things,” Danny says, continuing.  “Some emotional issues I’ve left unaddressed for too long.  Things I haven’t faced.  Things that… that God they’re just so fucking painful that it terrifies me to have to face them, but I think I gotta if I can in any way hope to be whole again.”  He looks over at Steve’s profile and finds strength in his silent acceptance.  “I think I gotta go home to do that, Steve.”

Steve nods.  “But you’re coming back?”

“I’m coming back, of course I’m coming back,” Danny says, nodding.   “Yes Steve, of course I’m coming back.   I’m not packing up and moving, my daughter’s still here.  My son.”  He looks over at Steve, jostling his leg up and down nervously.  “You.  I’m coming back, I just don’t know when.  It may be a week.  A month.  Less.  More.  I don’t know.”  

“Take however much time you need,” Steve says simply.

“If you need to find a replacement for me I understand.”

“No.”

Danny looks over at him.  “Even if just for the time being.”

“We’re fine,” Steve says, shaking his head.  “I’m not replacing you, not for now, not later, not ever.   You need to leave for a year, Danny?  Then so be it.  But when you come back, your desk is waiting.”

“Thanks,” Danny says, again feeling overwhelmed by his emotions.  “My flight leaves tomorrow.”

“Do you need a ride?”

“No,” he says.   “Kono’s gonna drive me.”   He’d made all the arrangements that afternoon after getting hom efrom the beach.  Booking the flight on his laptop, asking Kono to take him in text.

“Okay.”

“I just, I wanted to say goodbye here not some…. Scene at the airport.  Half of me wanted to cancel tonight and just write you a letter because I'm a chicken shit but.  I wanted you to know how much you mean to me.”

“Danny.”

“I’m so sorry, Steve,” Danny says, his throat closing up.  “I need you to know I love you, as shitty as I’ve felt, as horrible as I’ve been lately, I never stopped loving you.”

Steve reached over and grabbed Danny’s hand and Danny squeezed it.  “Danny.”

“Please, just.”  Danny closed his eyes, bowing his head.  “You were right.  I used you that night.  It was horrible, and ugly, and I was horrible and ugly, and there isn’t one fucking day that goes by that I don’t hate myself for how I behaved that night.”

“Danny will you just let me--”

“Stop, please,” Danny says, opening his eyes to watch Steve’s thumb stroke over his hand.  “Even when I was pissed at you, when I was lashing out at you, it was me I hated.”  He takes a deep breath.  “It doesn’t make sense, okay?  It doesn’t now and it didn’t then, but I just wanted one good thing.  I wanted one good thing, I felt like if I could just have one thing that I wanted, just one fucking thing, that I could drown out all the other shit.”

“And that was--”

“You, yeah, I wanted you,” Danny says, looking away.  “Please just don’t say anything, just let me say this and walk away okay?”

“Danny, that’s not fair.”

“I need us to be okay, Steve, I _need_ it.  I need for you to forgive me, and I need you to stop holding yourself away from me,” he says, glancing over at him but unable to meet his eyes.  “And I need you to stop hating me, to stop running away from me, to stop flinching if I touch you.  So I need to just say this and you need to just hear it and come to terms with it and decide how you’re gonna deal with it, and you need to do that on your own without me here to make you feel like you need to….”  He shrugs.  “I don’t know, hurry the process, or act a certain kind of way.”

He can see Steve shake his head.  “I don’t understand.”

“I just need you to shut up and listen,” Danny says, laughing.  “Just.  Ya know?  Let me speak.”

“Okay,” Steve says, shrugging.  

“I’m in love with you, Steven,” Danny says, and tries to let go of Steve’s hand but Steve won’t let him.  “I’m so head over heels, just stupid in love with you.  And I have been since I can’t even tell you.”  He raises up a hand to cut off Steve when he hears him take a breath.  “And somehow that night it felt to me like if I could just finally fucking have you, that the things in my life that suck would matter less.  And it did the opposite.  It just made it worse, it made it so much worse, because I fucked us.”

“I--”

“Steve what did I say,” Danny says, squeezing his eyes shut as a tear falls out.  “I love you.  I never meant to hurt you but I know I did, and I’m so fucking sorry Steve.”  He takes a deep breath and reaches up to wipe at his face, because he’s so fucking sick of crying these days but he just can't stop.  “And if I can’t have you like that because of that night, then I understand.   If can’t have you like that because you just don’t feel the same way, then I understand that too.  But please understand that beyond that, beyond everything else, I just need you in my life, period, Steve.  If I can never have you like that, I can handle that, but I can’t handle losing you as my friend.”

“You won’t,” Steve says leaning over and gripping Danny’s hand tighter.  “Danny, you haven’t lost me.”

“Just, take some time and think.”

“But Danny I don’t need time to think,” Steve says, and Danny finally looks at him, sees tears streaming down his face.   “I love you Danny nothing else matters, it’s over. “

Steve leans forward and Danny can almost feel his lips on his before he finally holds up a hand and stops him. “Don't.”

“But.”

“I need you to be certain. “

“Danny.  I've loved you forever,” Steve says, and Danny sucks in a breath because he looks like he means it.  He looks like he means every word, but he can’t.  He can’t take this right now, not like this.  “I don't need to think. I don't need time.”

“Take it anyway?  Please?  For me.”  Danny leans away from Steve but squeezes his hand, looking down.  “Take the time anyway.  I need you to.  I can't lose you again because we…”  He shakes his head, looking up finally.  “It almost killed me, losing you this time, Steve.  I can't do it again.”

Steve reaches forward and cups his cheek, thumb brushing over his cheek.  “I don't need time Danny,” he says gently.  “But if you need me to take it, fine.  Okay.”

“Please,” Danny says, nodding.  “I just.  I need you in my life.”

“Okay,” Steve says, standing and leaning over.  Danny closes his eyes and Steve kisses his forehead and it hurts like his heart’s in a vice and it’s the best feeling in the entire world at the same time.  “I love you.”

“Love you.”

The tears start to fall as he hears Steve’s truck start and he wraps his arms around himself and lets out a muffled sob, squeezing his eyes shut.  Spindly little arms wrap around his neck from behind and instead of being shocked that Grace snuck up on him he just cries harder because she doesn’t ask what’s wrong, just hugs him tight tight tight.

“Thanks baby,” he says finally, reaching up to wrap his fingers around her arms.  “Daddy needed that.”

“It’ll be okay,” she says softly.  “I know it’ll be okay, because you love him and he loves you.”

“I do baby.  I love him so much.”  She kisses him on the top of his head like he’s done to her a thousand and one times and he takes a shuddery breath.  “I hope you’re right, but even if we don’t work it out he loves you, you know that right?  He will always be your Uncle Steve.”

“Duh,” she says, and he huffs out a laugh.  “Obviously.”

“Duh, huh,” he asks, twisting to grin up at her.  

She strikes a pose and holds out a hand, flipping her hair.  “What’s not to love, hello.”

“You got that right,” he says, pulling her closer to him to give her a kiss on the cheek.  “Now get to bed.”

“You gonna be okay?”

He takes in her worried look, the concern in her eyes, the way she worries her lip.  “You know, maybe not tonight but I’m working on getting here, huh?”

“Okay,” she says, nodding.  “Night Daddy.  Love you.”

  
“Love you monkey.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He scrubs a hand down his face. “Stell, I asked you to be the one to pick me up so I could get settled first, huh? I didn’t want Ma’s twenty thousand questions to start the second I stepped off the plane, I need to…” He clenches his hand. “I just need to. I don’t know. Breathe here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have named Danny's younger sister Beth because I want to say maybe he said that? Or possibly I just read a story where that name stood out to me as perfect? I don't know. Stella is the older sister though, and she is canonically named such, is Eric's Mom, and is played by the amazing Drea DeMateo in my head until proven otherwise. Beth, I have not cast.
> 
>  

“So,” says a voice behind Danny as he bends over to retrieve his luggage from the airport luggage carousel.  “Been gone for six years and doesn’t visit but once a year for the first five.  Wanna tell me what’s so special this year?”

Danny grins and turns to see Stella.  “Hey there, gorgeous,” he says, stepping forward and pulling her into a great big hug.  “I thought I told you to wait for me in pick up so you wouldn’t have to park.”

“And I told Eric we don’t steal cars, but sometimes us Williams’ just don’t listen, huh,” she says, throwing her arm around him.  “Besides, the airport has the best hot pretzels without having to hit New York.”

He laughs and gets himself a pretzel and shoves her money back in her pocket when she tries to pay.  “I tell ya, Stell.  Hawaii man.  They just don’t do food right!”

She plunks down into a chair and crosses her legs, gives him a look, and kicks out the chair for him.  “You didn’t answer my question.”

“I came to visit,” he says, sitting down and looking away.  Newark is incredibly crowded even at 6 in the evening, but maybe if they eat their pretzels slowly they’ll miss the turnpike traffic.  “Can’t a guy just come to visit?”

“You were here a month ago, kiddo, try another.”

He sighs and looks at her.  “I’m not a kid, Stella.”

“Always will be to me, D,” she says, grinning and chewing her pretzel.  “Out with it.”

“I am only six years younger than you, not a kid,” he grumbles, but he laughs anyway and throws a piece of pretzel at her head.  “I’ll tell ya when I tell ya.”

She nods.  “So you’re admitting there’s something to tell,” she says, propping her foot in his lap.  He swats halfheartedly at it.  “So what is it.  You get someone knocked up?  Cancer?  That partner of yours and you getting hitched?”

Danny splutters the coke right out of his mouth.  “What?”

She giggles.  “Ma’s practically been picking out the China patterns since the day she met Steve,” she says, waving a hand.  “Eric’s pissed at me I never told him you were bi.”

Danny covers his face with his hands.  “You told him?  God, Stell!”

“Actually no, but thanks for the confirmation,” she says, winking at him.

“We’re not.”  Danny frowns and looks away.  “Look, yeah, but we’re not.  Not yet.  Maybe.  I don’t know.”

“So this isn’t your coming out trip,” she asks.  “Then why are you green at the gills?”

He scrubs a hand down his face.  “Stell, I asked you to be the one to pick me up so I could get settled first, huh?  I didn’t want Ma’s twenty thousand questions to start the second I stepped off the plane, I need to…”  He clenches his hand.  “I just need to. I don’t know.  Breathe here.”

Her face sobers and she nods.  “Okay, Danny.  Sorry, hon.  You can settle.”

“Thanks,” he says, and reaches out to squeeze her arm.  “It’s really great to see you.”

She leans over and ruffles his hair, he can feel it sticking up in six different places.  “You too kid brother, c’mon,” she says, and stands up, grabbing his rolling suitcase from him.

He smoothes his hair down and starts following her.  “Why do you always make me feel like I’m ten years old again?”

She whirls on him and gives him a radiant smile.  “Because I am fucking amazing, Daniel, and you worship the ground I walk on.”

He grins and doesn’t bother to even try to deny one word of it.

+

“Stop that.”

“What?”

“Stop it!”

“Stop what?!”

“That,” Stella yells, poking a finger in Danny’s side.  “That, that, the thing you do when you’re working on your next ulcer when you pretend like everything’s fine but you bite your lip to hell and stare out the window like the sky’s got all your answers.”

“I’ve never actually had an ulcer so I can’t have my next one.”  Danny rolls his eyes but turns away from the window, peeling at the label on the bottle of Sam Adams she’d set in front of him.  “I’m fine, Stella.”

“You know Danny, you were blessed with a perfectly fine nose, don’t lie and make it grow, you’ll wind up looking like Uncle Saul,” she says, propping her head in her hand.

Danny groans and hides his face.  “For crying outloud, I thought you said you’d give me a chance to breathe!”

“You’ve breathed,” she says, whirling her hand in the air.  “You’ve been breathing for hours now.”  She checks her watch.  “Three hours and twenty minutes, to be exact.”

He rolls his eyes.  “Come on.  I got a lot on my mind, okay?  Just.  I have a plan, let me work my plan, huh?  Will ya just?”

“Ya know, you’re Eric’s hero, you know that right,” she says after a few moments of silence.  He frowns but looks at her.  “He pays a lot of attention to you.  Thinks you hung the moon, pretty much.  And he may be a big ol goof, but he’s a sensitive kid.  So, when he says you’re not doing that well, that he’s worried about you, I take him at his word.”

He feels his shoulders sag and he takes a deep breath.  “All right,” he says, reaching over and grabbing her hand in his.  “Okay, fine, yes, no, I’m… I’m not okay.”  He meets her eyes.  “I’ve been very, just, incredibly not okay.  For a while now.  For longer than I think I even know.”

She nods and squeezes his hand.  “I know.”

“About….”  He shrugs.  “About Charlie, about Matty, about… about Steve,” he says, looking away.  “But I really do have a plan, Stell. I do.  And I just, I gotta walk my steps through this thing or I’m gonna fall the fuck apart and nobody’s gonna be able to pick up the fucking pieces, alright? So just, let me do this, okay?”

“Okay,” she says, and then tilts her head to look out the window to the truck pulling up in her driveway.  “Ha, perfect timing.”

He frowns.  “You expecting company?”

“No, I’m expecting a delivery,” she says, and then pops up to open the door before they even have a chance to knock, coming back in the room with a pie from Danny’s favorite pizzeria on this side of Tom’s River.  “Tell me I don’t know how to make my baby bro happy.”

He grins and takes the box out of her hands, opening it and pulling out a slice of dripping mozerella covered goodness before setting down the box on the table.  He stuffs half in his mouth, not caring at all when it drips down his chin.  “Oh my God, you don’t even know,” he says, and then hugs her hard around the waist and spins her around in a circle, “how much I need this.”

She grabs his face and pinches his lips together.  “I’m gonna let you do this your way, but you’re gonna tell me what’s going on with you once and for all by this time tomorrow.  If I have to handcuff you to the fucking water heater, Danny, I’ll do it.”

“Okay,” he says, jerking his face out of her grip and kissing her on the cheek before flopping back down at the table to tear back into the box.  “You didn’t order any for you?”

“You animal, you’re going to share that with me,” she says, smacking his shoulder and grabbing the next slice right out of his hands.  “Now tell me about my niece, how’s my Gracie?”

+

He’s greeted by his father at the door at eleven o’clock the next morning with a suspicious look as he blocks the doorway.  “No.”

Danny laughs.  “No?”

Eddie arches an eyebrow at him.  “You aren’t moving back in.  Your mother and I have found a nice little routine for ourselves, and we’re not interrupting it for your laundry and bad eating habits.”

Danny rolls his eyes.  “Pop, I’m not moving back in, I’m visiting.”

“Yeah,” Eddie asks, finally breaking out into a grin.  “Because son, I’m gonna start charging you rent for how much time you’ve spent under this roof in the last six months.”

“Oh really, excuse me,” Danny says, poking his father in the chest and crowding him until Eddie steps back to let him in.  “I put Ma up for a month, a _month_ , while your dumb ass figured out you needed to beg, grovel, and plead your way back into her good graces--”

“Dumb,” Eddie scoffs, poking Danny back in the chest.  “Did you just call your father dumb, you sack of--”

“Eddie shut it,” Clara says as she comes into the hallway, and then swoops between them and hugs Danny to her, kissing him three times on the cheek.  “Daniel Williams what the hell are you doing here?”

“I came to visit,” he says, hugging her harder to him.  He can feel the moment she understands it’s more than just a hello because she goes from fluttering her hands on his back to cupping the back of his head and scrunching her fingernails in his shirt.  “Can’t a guy just come see his Ma?”

“Is there more FBI bullshit,” Eddie asks as Danny pulls away from Clara.  He puts a hand on Danny’s shoulder.  “Did they come after Five O like you suspected?”

“No, well yes, but not, that’s not what this is about,” Danny says, and hangs up Stella’s keys.  “No FBI or CIA or DEA, nothing like that.”

“Then what--”

“Eddie, let him get in the door,” Clara says, shoving Eddie towards the kitchen and grabbing Danny’s shirt to pull him as well.  “I’ll make us lunch.”

“Daniel if you have something to tell us--”

“Pop come on, can we have lunch,” Danny grumbles, tossing his wallet on the counter and facing away from the searching look on his dad’s face.

“Why--”

“He will bring it up when he’s ready to bring it up, Eddie, now shut up and go grab me some god damned tomatoes out of the garden,” Clara snaps, pointing towards the door to the back yard.  “Nice ones, Eddie!”

Eddie grumbles but trudges out of the door and Danny laughs to himself as he watches his mother gathering meats, cheeses, and other things out of the fridge to pull together something for lunch.  “Thanks.”

“Don’t thank me, you’re going to tell us this time,” she says, glancing up at him as she lays out the ingredients and takes out a knife to spread the mayo on the slices of bread.  “A mother knows, Daniel, and you weren’t good when you left the last time, and you’re not good now.  I’m letting you settle, but you’re going to tell us after we have a nice meal.”

“I’m not sure cold cuts and processed cheese qualifies as a nice meal,” Danny starts.

“Danny!”

Danny laughs as Clara points the too large chef’s knife in his general direction.  “But yes, I’ll tell you.  I will, Ma.”

They eat turkey sandwiches and potato chips and talk and catch up.  They tell him what’s been going on with his sister Beth and he tells them how well Eric is doing, and Clara tells him once again what a saint he is for taking him on the way he did.

“Aw, come on, he’s a good kid,” Danny says, drawing faces in the dribbled ketchup left on his plate with his chips.  “He was just acting out.”

“You did that,” Eddie says, smirking.  “Don’t think I’ve forgotten you getting tasered in Hoboken your Junior year.”  He glares at Danny, even as the edges of his mouth curve up in amusement.  “Not a fun phone call at two in the morning on a Thursday.”

“Or us walking into a pot-smoke filled living room when you thought we wouldn’t be home til the morning,” Clara adds.  “Boys.  I don’t understand them.  Stella never did that.”

“Ha,” Danny says, and then wipes the smirk off his face. “I mean right.  Nope.”

“You and Matty were always the trouble makers,” Clara says with a laugh.  “The two of you, always egging each other on, pushing the other one to do the next stupid thing.  Who can do it bigger, better, stupider.”

“Guess Matty won that one,” Eddie says, and it’s not really until then that Danny sees it hit his mother.  She does tend to forget sometimes, in the middle of thoughts.  Not like she ever forgets really, but there’s moments, when she gets distracted by remembering.  When it’s like it was yesterday. It’s so painful to see it hit her all over again, watch the color drain out of her face as her hand stills on the table top.

“Eddie, that’s awful.”

“Lost then,” Eddie says, mouth twisting half up in a horribly painful looking smirk.  

“Is it ever gonna be easy,” Danny blurts out, throwing his napkin on the table and looking over at his parents.  “Will it ever be easy to just… remember him without being--”

“No,” Eddie says, looking up and meeting Danny’s eyes.  “Not until we’re dead, it won’t ever be easier.”

“Eddie don’t say that,” Clara says, but she doesn’t say it’s not true.

“Angry,” Danny finally says, and it truly is finally because Matt’s been gone for a year but he’s never said out loud to them, not once, that he was angry.  “Sad.  Awful.  Like a fucking failure.”

“I will always feel like a failure, son,” Eddie says quietly, and it shatters Danny’s heart.

“No, Pop, no, not you,” Danny says.  “You don’t… you didn’t.  I did.  I meant me.”

“I’m the one who raised him, kid.”

Danny looks down at the table and shoves the plate away, suddenly feeling nauseous.  He can’t look at his Mom, who only minutes before had seemed so happy and alive and full of joy but now seems gray and sunken.  “I failed you, Pop.  I failed him, but I failed you too. And Ma.  And Stella.  Beth. I failed you all.”

“Danny,” Clara says, chastising, because she’s never been good at letting any of her kids accept any blame, even when they should be.  “Don’t say that.”

“I could have stopped him,” he says, his gut rumbling, wishing he’d skipped lunch altogether.  “I should have.  I…”  He looks up and can’t look at Clara but forces himself to meet Eddie’s eyes.   Like a man, he thinks to himself.  He’s gotta own up to this like a fucking God damned man.  “”I knew.  Where he was going.  I knew before.  I lied to the feds.  I knew…  I let Steve tell them the wrong place and I went to the airport I knew he was going.  I knew, and I let him…”  His hands are shaking and his father’s confusion shouldn’t be more painful than the blame he’d been expecting but somehow it is.  “I just let him get on the fucking plane, Dad.”

“Danny why haven’t you ever told us that before,” Clara asks, and he closes his eyes to the wavering tone of her voice, knowing if he looks he’ll see tears.

“I watched him,” he says.  “I just stood there and I watched him get on that plane, and knew I’d never…  We’d never.”  He lets out a breath and scrubs his hands over his face.  “I didn’t know he’d die, but I didn’t think we’d ever see him again, and I was so--”

“He had no right to put you in that situation, Danny,” Eddie says finally.  “That blame you’re feeling in your gut?  That pissed?  You’re pissed at yourself, but you should be pissed at him.”

“Blame, what blame,” Clara asks, reaching over and grabbing Danny’s hand.  “Who’s blaming?”

“Me, Ma,” Danny says, gripping her hand in his.  “I’m blaming me, I could have stopped him. I should have stopped him.  If I’d… If I’d told the feds, if I’d shot him--”

“Shot him,” Clara cries out.

“He said either I let him go or I shoot him,” Danny says, finally looking into her eyes.  Tears fall down her face unchecked, and he knows without a doubt that she’s not even aware of them at all, but each one that falls feels like a knife to his heart.  “I should’ve shot him.  I’m… Ma, God, I’m so sorry I didn’t, I’m sorry.”

“God damnit,” Eddie says, and he bends forward over the table and Danny sees he’s crying too and he feels like taking it all back, just taking every single word back, because he can be selfish and Matt’s not here to yell at him.  Because Danny’s the one that’s still alive and Danny’s the one that has to live with this, and he can’t take being the one that makes his unbreakable father fucking break.  “Damnit, Danny, God damnit!”

Danny closes his eyes, because there’s the anger.  He’d expected anger.  He’d expected blame.    What he doesn’t expect is for his father to grab him under the arms and haul him up out of his chair into a  hug that crushes every cubic centimeter of air out of his lungs, practically lifting him off of his feet.

“God Damnit, Danny, don’t you dare,” he says, voice choked as he crushes Danny to him.  “Don’t you fucking dare blame yourself.”

“Dad,” he questions, because he’s crying, his Dad’s crying, and so is Danny.   And the thing is, Danny hasn’t cried in his father’s arms since he was six and fell of his bike, and even then his Dad had told him to brush it off and suck it up after making sure he was still in one piece.

Eddie jerks back and grabs Danny’s face in his hands, makes him look at him.  “Your brother is a fucking asshole, he did this.   _He_ did it, Danny, he’s a coward piece of shit and he did this, you did not do anything but pick up his fucking mess when you shouldn’t have even had to, do you hear me?”

“Eddie,” Clara says, and Danny can see her out of the corner of his eye stand and put a hand on each of their shoulders but he doesn’t look away from Eddie.

“No, Clara, your boy here has been hating himself for five god damned years for this, and I’m not having it,” he growls, and then shoves Danny back, pointing at him.  “You hear me?  I’m not.”

“Pop I should’ve stopped him,” Danny chokes out, feeling like he can’t even breath, like he’s hyperventilating.  “I should’ve.”

“You shouldn’t have _had_ to,” Eddie yells, grabbing Danny’s shoulder.  

“But I should have _anyway_.”

Eddie turns around and punches a hole in the wall.  It’s an old house, the hole is three times the size of his fist, and his mother screams.  Danny holds her back from going to him.  “It’s okay Ma.”

Like father like son, huh?  He thinks Iolani Palace is a sturdier place than his childhood home, because he’d just bruised his knuckles when he’s punched the wall there.

“And you thought I’d blame you,” Eddie says after a few moments of silence before turning back around.  “That’s why you haven’t told us.  You thought we’d...”

“Danny, no,” Clara says, stroking his hair.  “No you have to know we’d never--”

“You should,” Danny says, finally feeling like he can breathe again.  HIs hands still shake but he just grabs his mother’s hand and holds it in his tightly.  “You should blame me. I blame me.  It’s my fault he’s….”  He looks up at the ceiling and the room swims around him for a second.  “If he was in jail he wouldn’t be dead.”

“No, c’mere,” Clara says, and pulls Danny into her arms again, brushing his hair back from his face and he tries so hard to not break down again, so so hard, but it’s impossible.  “Baby, I’m so sorry he did that to you.  None of this is your fault, you didn’t do any of this.”

“Ma I should have stopped him, I should have made him stay, I shouldn’t have ever let him get on board that plane, never left his side, never left Jersey, I shoulda been here, I shoulda--”

“Listen to me,” Eddie says, and shakes Danny’s shoulder until he leans back from Clara to face him, holding her to him as she rests her head on his chest and burrows into him.  “You did what you do, Danny.  You did what you always do, what you can.  You did what you _could_ do.  You took a shitty hand and you did the best you could with it.”

Danny lets his hands spread.  “But… I lost the entire fucking house, Pop.”

“And sometimes that’s what happens when you’re playing someone else’s cards,” Eddie says, squeezing Danny’s shoulder.  “You don’t know, Danny.  He coulda gone to a shark here, got a loan, wound up dead on the street.  Coulda got your Ma shot, one of your sisters, by going to the wrong people.  He coulda got you dead, son.”  He shake his  head.  “Hell, gone to prison and wound up dead inside of a week.  To this day I don’t know what the hell was going through his fool head, but I know this.  Not anyone’s fault but his.”

Danny nods but meets his eyes.  “You gonna tell me you don’t blame yourself?”

Eddie lets out a breath.  “You know I do.”

Danny nods.  “Think you ever won’t?”

Eddie shakes his head and brings Danny into him, jostling their shoulders together.  “Nope, and I know you’ll never stop blaming yourself either.  But ya gotta kid.  It’ll eat you alive.”

“It is,” Danny says, clutching at his Dad’s shirt, feeling like kid again.  His dad still smells like arm & hammer mountain fresh deodorant, and it’s probably the most comforting smell he’s ever smelled in his life.  “It has been.  I’m sorry I told you.”

“I’m sorry you waited so long, son,” Eddie says to his hair, kissing his temple.  “You don’t gotta be alone in this Danny.”

“Apple pie,” Clara says suddenly, lifting her hands to wipe her face clean and grinning.  “I have apple pie in the freezer, I’m going to make us some apple pie.  And vanilla ice cream.”

Eddie laughs and pushes Danny back down into his chair, like he just noticed he was sitll holding onto him.  Danny laughs up at him.  “Leave it to your Ma to think pie cures all,” Eddie says, clearing his throat and sitting down as well.

“Shut it, Eddie!”

+

Watching television while his Dad saws logs on the couch and his Mom does a crossword puzzle in her chair, glasses perched not on her nose but in her hair -- so why bother having them?  --  he pulls out his phone to a text from Chin.

  * __Howzit on the homefront?__


  * **_Same as it ever was.  Which is good.  Wouldn’t have it any other way._**


  * _Helping?_


  * **_Yeah, I think so._**


  * _Miss you brother._



Smiling to himself he feels a huge wave of sorrow that he can’t have both of his families close to him at the same damn time.  

  * **_**_Same here man._**_**


  * _Sap._


  * **_Shuddup_**


  * _You’ve gone soft, Jersey._


  * **_I mean seriously, I will hit you._**


  * **_Did you forget you said you missed me first?_**


  * _But that’s me.  Everyone expects me to be all aloha touchy feely._


  * **_Bite me_**


  * _That’s more like it._


  * _Take care.  See you soon._


  * **_Later.  Jackass._**


  * _Aloha pumehana_


  * **_Gasundheit._**


  * _In fact I don’t care if you ever come home... learn the language, haole!_



  



	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a bit longer than the others, I just needed more words to say what I wanted to say in tis one. Oops. LOL. Still thinking 15 chapters plus an epilogue should do it for this story, but we'll see. May possibly need another.
> 
> Thanks so much everyone for sticking with me throughout this process! I know these past few chapters have been taking me longer but they've been what this whole story was about so I had to take my time and make it right. I hope it's been worth it!

“This is nice,” Danny says, grinning down at the Entenmann’s cake he and his Dad are sharing, both hands wrapped around the coffee in front of him.  “Been a long time since we did this.”

They sit alongside the Hudson, 7 o’clock in the morning, watching the ferry make its way across for that first round of Wall Streeters.  Matty woulda been among them.

“Matty never wanted to,” Eddie says, shoving a forkful of entanmann’s in his mouth and spitting out crumbs as he talks.  Danny thinks he and Steve would bond rather quickly if they ever got a chance to spend any time with each other.

“Yeah, he’d rather go and do,” Danny says, looking at the choppy water.  It’s brisk at this time of the morning and the sky is grey with streaks of pink and purple and the colors probably mean the ozone is polluted but God damn… This is just home and it makes his soul happy.  He doesn’t want to move back anymore, and he doesn't miss it like an amputated limb anymore, but he sure as hell loves it still.   “He was always more action than talking.  Or thinking.  Or just…”  He shrugs.  “Being.”

“So is this what you’ve been going through then,” Eddie says after a moment, crushing his to-go coffee cup and tossing it in the bin to his left.  He stares out at the river and Danny’s thankful because he’s not really up to looking into his eyes just yet.  “Your guilt over letting Matty go?”

Danny stares down at his hands.  “Partly.”

“Your Ma and sister have been driving me nuts for months,” his dad says with a laugh.  “Something’s wrong with Danny, Danny’s not being himself, Danny’s not okay.”  He closes the lid of the coffee cake and sets it down on the ground.  “And I just said, clearly it’s not but he don’t wanna talk about it, so we just let it go.”  He looks over at Danny.  “I shoulda asked you, huh?”

Danny frowns.  “What do you mean?”

“I mean you were suffering on that for months, son.  Years.  I shouldn’t have left it up to you to come to me, I shoulda been asking.”

Danny shakes his head.  “Nah, Pop, I wouldn’t have told you,” Danny says, twisting his fingers together.  “I wouldn’t have told you now but.   I had a couple people convince me maybe it needed to be said.  I don’t know.  I still think maybe I shouldn’t’ve.”

“You gotta, Danny, you shouldn’t’a been carrying all that weight by yourself.”  Eddie stands up and walks forward a bit, crossing his arms in front of him.  “You’re too like me for your own good, boy.”

Danny laughs.  “Yeah, guess I am, Pop.”

“So’s that it,” Eddie asks, and Danny catches just the barest of an eye dart before his gaze is back on the river.  “Because I know it’s not.  I know there’s more.  There’s a reason he had a closed casket.  There’s a reason you found out he was dead when you did.”  He does look at Danny then, raising an eyebrow.  “There’s a reason you went to a Colombian prison, son.”

“No,” Danny says, panic rising as he closes his eyes.  “No, please.”

“Danny.”

“Don’t make me, please don’t make me,” Danny says, shaking his head, voice shaky.  “Pop there’s things…   There’s things you don’t want to know, that _I_ don’t want to know.”

“Yeah, well suck it up, you know ‘em and you need to let me help you shoulder ‘em,” Eddie says, and then Danny can feel his shoulder pressed against his own.  “Come on son, it’s obviously eating you up inside, it’s why you’re here.”

Danny shakes his head, still not able to open his eyes.  “It’s fucked.  It’s just so… I don’t even know how he got mixed up in what he was mixed up in.  He… how he made contacts with the people he.  Dad, he…  I can’t even, even after all of it after I know all of it, I can’t even connect the person who did it with my baby brother.”

His father sighs deeply and leans his shoulder harder into Danny’s.  “This never should have been your burden, Danny.  Of the things he did, I’m angriest about this.  Him doing this to _you_.  Making you keep his secrets, carry them on your own.  Making you let them eat you up inside, tear you apart.”

So Danny tells him.  He tells him about pointing a gun at Matt before he got on the plane, about Matt laundering the drug money, about the cartel. He tells him about Reyes coming to Hawaii, coming into his home, threatening Grace.  He tells him about the 18 million and finding only 13.5 of it.  He tells him about trying for a loan and then about Chin, about the humbling amazingness of his friend, who hadn’t even known his brother.  Chin, who hadn’t even so much as met Matt.  

He tells him about Columbia, and the moment the barrel was rolled forward, and he watches his father’s face crumble before his eyes because he’d known.  He’d known there was a reason it wasn’t open casket, he’d known it was awful, he’d known Danny wasn’t telling it for a reason, but he hadn’t _known_.  And Danny feels like he’s dying, like he’d rather fucking be dead, than be the reason his father’s face turns ashen as he starts sobbing on a bench in front of the Hudson before the sun’s even finished rising.

“I’m sorry, Pop, I tried.  I… I tried to get the money, I got it, I let my friend put his neck on the line to get it for Matty but I was too late.  I was too late, Max said he was dead before Reyes even got to Hawaii.  There was never a way I could have gotten there in time, but…”  He reaches over and puts his hand on his Dad’s back, leaning down to bury his face in the crook of his shoulder, speak into his ear.  “I’m so sorry.  I wish it was me.  I wish it’d been me, I’m so sorry Matty’s gone, I wish it was me.”

“Don’t say that, don’t you dare say that,” Eddie chokes out, raising up and putting his arm around Danny, hauling him close and pressing his lips to his temple.  “You would never, you would not ever do that to any of us and Matty… I love him, Danny, I love him so much but he was an irresponsible, selfish, impetuous boy and I’d give anything to have him be here right now so I could kick his ass, but I’d never wish it was you instead.”

“Pop?”  Danny squeezes his eyes shut because he can’t stand to look at him for this part.  “I killed him.  Reyes, the man who… I killed him.”

“We know that, Danny,” Eddie says softly, hugging Danny tighter.  “That’s why they took you to jail in Columbia.”

“No.  That's not.  I.  That's not the confession,” Danny says, and leans away from Eddie, lets his arm drop off of him, taking a deep breath.  “I'm, the thing is.  I’m glad I did.  I.  I don't regret it.  I think I'd do it again.”  He finally turns his head to look at Eddie.  “I think I'd do it ten times over.  I made him look at me first, so he knew it was me killing him, and he….  He didn’t have a gun, he was unarmed, but I just pulled the trigger.  Right between his eyes, Pop.  And I felt…”  He takes a deep breath and look out over the Hudson.  “I felt fucking justified.  Like, like I could breathe again.  Because he took my baby brother away from me, and…. And I couldn’t go on if I allowed him to still walk this fucking Earth.”

Danny can see Eddie nod out of the corner of his eye and closes his eyes in relief as Eddie’s hand comes to clasp on his shoulder.  “Good.”

Danny laughs humorlessly.  “Good?”

“Yeah, Danny,” Eddie says, squeezing his shoulder.  “Good riddance.”

“I’m a cop.  I’m not…  I supposed to protect and serve, not dole out justice.  Not…”  He shakes his head.  “Not take it in my own hands.  Judge and jury and executioner.”

“You weren’t a cop in that moment,” Eddie says, still low and quiet.  “You were Matty’s brother.”

“It fucking terrifies me, Pop.   That I don’t regret it.  That I’d… I’d do it again.  What the hell does that say about me?”

“Look at me Danny,” Eddie says, and when Danny doesn’t he reaches over and takes his chin, physically turning Danny to face him.  “It says you’re human.  It says you loved your brother.”  Eddie nods and smiles sadly, eyes glistening with tears that don’t fall.  “And yeah.  It means you have darkness inside your soul.  But Danny, God damn it, so do we all.”

“Then you forgive me,” Danny asks finally, sucking in a breath even as he feels like it’s stolen out of his lungs on the sob threatening to come out.  “You… don’t hate me?”

“You fucking idiot,” Eddie says, and hugs Danny hard, harder than he ever has in Danny’s 40 years on this Earth.  “Of course I don’t hate you.  And there’s nothing to forgive, son.  Now just shut up and stop hurting yourself over this, huh?  Can you please?”

Danny laughs and squeezes his father to him.  “I don’t know, but I’ll try.  Thanks Pop.  I love you.”

+

He spends the afternoon with his Mother, shopping and letting her fuss over him, buying him new clothes and clothes for Grace and force feeding him apple pies and lasagna.  Not that he’s complaining.

By the time he gets back to Stella’s he’s exhausted mentally and physically and welcomes the invitation of watching a silly rom-com movie on the couch, resting his head in her lap and falling asleep to the feel of her fingernails scratching through his hair.  He wakes up to dusk just starting to settle outside of the windows and Stella on the phone talking quietly, her fingers drumming on his chest.  

“Yeah.  No, yeah, I know.  Actually he just woke up, lemme go huh?  God you talk my ear off, kid.”  Danny grins and stretches, knowing it’s Eric on the other end.  “Hey, hey, listen to me.  No.  Okay?  No.  You are not doing that.  Because I said so and I’m still your mother!”  Danny frowns but she waves off his look of concern.  “Eric Russo, there is a reason you separate your clothes before you wash them, I raised you better than that!  I will not have my boy walking around with pale pink underwear because he’s too fucking impatient to make two loads!”

Danny motions for her to hand over the phone.  “Hey,” he says when she finally has it over.  “Just use cold water, then you can mix whatever you want without it bleeding.  Unless it’s a new shirt.  Or a towel.  Never trust a towel.”

“Eric!  Don’t you mix your wash!”  Stella smacks Danny on the arm and rips the phone back out of his hand before Eric can even respond.  “Do you hear me… Eric?  Did you!  You punk!”  She draws the phone back from her ear to glare at it.  “Little shit hung up on me!”

Danny giggles, for pretty much the first time in a month, and it feels really good.  “You know he’s not gonna make two loads.  I mean, you know that right?”

Stella bites her nail and frowns, drawing her legs up into her chest.  “Yeah, probably, whatever.”

He takes in her posture, stiff and guarded.  Thinks back to the movie and doesn’t remember her laughing at all.  He reaches over and pulls her hand into his. “Stell?”

“What you want for dinner,” she asks, uncurling her legs and standing up, letting his hand fall out of hers.  “I got stuff for a salad.  Did ma say you’re good at sauce?  You wanna make some sauce and we’ll have spaghetti?  Got some french bread from Andre’s too.”

“You okay?”

She rolls her eyes.  “You wanna make the sauce or not, I’ll do it but I’m just gonna pour ragu in a pot and call it done.”

“Hey.”

“We’ll talk later,” she says, turning on her heel and walking into hte kitchen, her hair flying behind her.  “I let you breathe, huh, now you let me.”

Danny follows her into the kitchen and watches her pulling out tomatoes and onions and lettuce and noodles, throwing them on the counter.  “Over laundry?”

“No, Danny, for fucks sake, not over laundry,” she says, sniffing, and it’s then he can see the tears in her eyes.  “We’ll talk alright?  After dinner.”

“Whose ass I gotta kick,” he asks, grabbing her elbow.  “You got an old boyfriend came around or something?  I’m serious, gimme a name.”

She smiles and puts her hand on his cheek, tapping him gently.  “Danny, that’s sweet.”  She smacks him harder then.  “And ridiculous, like I don’t know how to kick ass on my own.  If it even was about anything like that which it’s not.”

He holds a hand to his cheek but grins at her.  “Unnecessary roughness on the field.  Flag.”

“Get to choppin’ you,” she says, flicking her nails in the direction of the tomatoes as she turns around to the sink, washing the lettuce.  Danny nodded and then bumped her aside to wash his own hands and then got to preparing the spaghetti sauce.

They eat largely in silence, and Danny tries to not ask why all of a sudden Stella’s gotten into a mood.  He manages to not ask but he keeps sneaking furtive glances at her throughout.  “You know you can tell me,” he says quietly as Stella sets her fork down in her plate and leans back in her chair, signalling she’s done.

She looks at him and he’s really taken back by the raw emotion in her eyes.  Sorrow and guilt and anger and frustration and a definite sense of being lost.  “Can I?  I don’t know, Danny.  Kind of a two way road, right?  I mean, I thought all this time you’ve known that you could always talk to me but you haven’t,” she says, and it’s not anger in her tone, it’s hurt.  Hurt, and just the slightest of a tremble.  “I am so pissed at you right now.”

“Me,” Danny asks quietly.  “This whole thing is about me?  Then what was the movie, what was letting me take a nap on your couch?”  He laughs, reaching over to grab her wrist.  “What’s going on? Usually when you’re pissed at me you’ll chase me around the house with a nailgun, not sing me lullabies.”

“He told me,” she says finally, looking away but reaching down to grab Danny’s hands, twining their fingers together, gripping tight.  “He told me everything.”

Danny stills, french bread half chewed in his mouth.  “Every… who…” He swallows, choking a bit on the overly large, not-chewed-up-enough bite.  “Who told you what?”

“Dad.  While you and Ma were shopping,” Stella says, looking away.  “Said he thought you needed me to know.  Didn’t want you to have to tell me, but thought you needed me to know.”

Danny tries to jerk his hand back but she holds on strong.  “He.”  He blinks, swallowing convulsively.  “Stell.  He told you?”

She nods, her mouth twisting as her eyes fill with tears.  “The plane, you letting him go.  You blaming yourself like a jackass.  The money, the cartel.”  She meets his eyes and lets out a sob.  “The… how they brought him out to you.  How he… why he…”

“Aw, God, babe, I’m sorry he told you that,” Danny says, grabbing her and hauling her in for a hug, and she starts sobbing the instant his arms are around her.  “He shouldn’t have.”

“Yes he should have,” she says, squeezing him tightly.  “You should have.”

He closes his eyes and buries his nose in her hair, rocking her side to side.  “I’m sorry.”

“I deserved to know.  He’s my baby brother too, Danny.  How could you keep that to yourself?”

“I didn’t want you to know,” he whispers, feeling his own tears fall.  Stella wasn’t a cryer, never had been.  He could probably count on one hand the times she’d cried in front of him.  “I didn’t want any of you to know, I didn’t want to know.”

“You must be so pissed at him,” she says, leaning back and then frowning at him, reaching up to wipe away his tears even as hers continued to fall.  “God, I am.”

He closes his eyes and shakes his head.  “No.”

Her forehead comes to rest against his as her hands rub down his arms.  “Fucking liar.”

“Yeah,” he says, choking out a laugh.  “I am.  But I’m working through it.”

“How lonely you musta been,” she says quietly, leaning back.  He opens his eyes to watch her.  The tears drying, broken hearted but already gathering herself up to take care of Danny.   She’s always been the strongest woman he’s ever known, but he thinks maybe she’s the strongest person, period, end of sentence.  “All the way in Hawaii by yourself.”

“I’m not by myself,” he says, except yeah, that’s kind of exactly how he’d always felt when it came to Matt.

“Yeah but they don’t know him like we do,” Stella says, “I can’t imagine having to come to terms with what he did without anyone around me knowing him the way I did.  I’d go insane.”

He nods, looking down at his hands.  “So many questions.  So much doubt.  Feeling like… did I even ever know him?”

“You did, you know.”  Stella’s hand crushes Danny’s in her own, and he feels raw like he hadn’t even with his parents, because with Stella he’d always been able to be open.  It had always been Stella that knew when he was hiding something.  Even when he’d gotten one over on his Mom, on his Dad, Stella’s warm chocolate brown eyes had always opened him up and peeled him naked.  “Hey, you know you did.”

“Did I,” Danny asks, looking up at her, and this time the tears don’t bother him, because it’s her.  It’s Stella and there’s one thing he doesn’t need to be worried about it’s being vulnerable in front of Stella.  He’d seen her through the worst days of her life and she’d seen him through his.  “Did I know him?  Because I thought I did, but I never knew he hated me, Stell.”

She blinks, rearing back.  “The hell are you talking about?”

“I thought he’d listen, I thought he was gonna stay, I thought we were going to go to New York and figure it out together, but….  He just took off. He never called me,” Danny whispers, closing his eyes.  “Never, not once, he called all of you but he never called me.”

Stella shakes her head.  “Twice.  In four years, Danny.  If he didn’t call you it was only because he was terrified you hadn’t forgiven him.”

“No, he did,” Danny insists, still not looking at her.  “He… at least a part of him hated me.  He did.  He said…  He said things, Stell.  He.”  He shook his head.  “It doesn’t matter anymore, but I know he did.”

“What did he say?”

“It doesn’t matter,” he says, waving a hand and looking at her,    He attempted a smile.  “I’m working through it.  I just need to write myself a letter and the doc says I’ll be all cured.”

Her face screws up in confusion.  “A letter?”

He looks down laughing again.  “Yeah i’ve been seeing someone.”

“A therapist,” she says.  He nods and looks up at her.  “Wow, baby, it’s been rough for you huh?”

He catches her eyes and means to say yeah but things are getting better, because they are.  Means to tell a joke, make her laugh.  Laugh himself.  Play it off, shrug it off, be strong.  Suck it up, be a man, make it better for her, be there for her so she didn’t have to be there for him.  Instead when he opens his mouth a sob comes out and everything he’s been holding back for the past month came pouring out all at once.  Every time he’d taken a deep breath and willed himself to stop crying, every time he’d punched a wall instead of given in, every time he’d wiped his tears dry before he’d finished crying them, came out in that breath.

He buries his head in his hands and sobs, loud horrible wracking embarrassing sobs, while she wraps her arms around him and rocks him back and forth.  She rubs his back, whispers in his ear that it’s okay, let it go, let it out, she’s got him, and he knows she does.  And this is why his Dad told her, because he knew Danny better than Danny knew himself.  Because Danny needed her to just know, because he couldn’t lose it with his Mom and he couldn’t lose it with his Dad, but Stella he could.

“I’m sorry,” he says later, when the sobs have subsided and he can breathe regularly again.  Raising his head he looks up at her, smiles as she cups his face in her hands.  “I’m maybe still a little bit of a mess, huh?”

“Maybe a little more than a little,” she says, wiping at his tears and then standing and walking over to the coffee machine.  “We need coffee.”

He laughs.  “It’s 8, Stell.”

“I’m not thinking our conversation is done, are you,” she asks, filling the filter with grounds.  “You’ve been burying this for a year or four, a half hour of crying in my kitchen ain’t gonna fix that.”

Danny sighs, kicking one leg over the other.  “But five hours with coffee in your kitchen will.”

She nods.  “Obviously.”  She seesaws her hand.  “Maybe seven hours.”

He checks his phone while she goes to wash her tearstained makeup off and finds three, two from Kono and one from Steve.

He opens Konos first.

  * _Okay I gave you a day to get settled but you can’t travel your ass to across the world and not check in with a bitch, okay?_


  * _I could’ve said that sweeter:  Hope everything is going well.  I’m here if you need me.  Call any time._



Chuckling to himself he hits reply.

  * ****_Sorry babe, things are going well here.  It’s rough, not exactly a pleasant topic, but it’s going better than I feared._ ****


  * _So no one’s pissed at you like you thought they’d be huh?  I don’t wanna say told you so, but……   (I did though)_


  * **_Yes Kono, you are the all knowing and all seeing Oz.  I promise to from now on listen to every single thing you ever say about anything._**


  * _This is all I’m asking, Williams._


  * **_You got it babe._**


  * _Take care of yourself.  And keep in touch huh?  I worry sometimes, maybe, a little.  Ish._


  * **_I will.  Thanks.  For caring and for being here for me.  It means more than you know._**


  * _I’m amazing, duh._


  * **_You are.  G’night O Amazing One._**


  * _Night._



He checks Steve’s next.

  * _I’m giving you your space but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you.  I’m here if you need me, any time._



“Who’s that?”

Danny looks up to see stella reading over his shoulder as she deposits a coffee next to him.  “Nosy.”

She nods.  “Uhuh.  So who’s that?”

“Steve,” he says, looking down at his message again, feeling his heart thump in his chest.

He types in, ‘thanks thinking of you too’ and then deletes it.  He types in, ‘things are going well here, i’ll talk to you later’ and then erases it.  He types in ‘that means a lot, thank you’ and then clears that as well.

“Just say what you want to say,” Stella says, covering his hand.  “You’re giving me a heart attack watching you stress over how you’re gonna say whatever it is you want to say.”

He looks up at her and chews on his lip before returning to his phone.

  * _****Thanks for not giving up on me.  I love you.****_



Setting his phone down he takes a deep breath and wraps his hands around the coffee cup.  “Thanks.”

“So,” she says, swallowing her coffee.  “Letter?”

“It’s this thing Sonai said,” Danny says, sighing and rolling his eyes, now feeling embarrassed.  “He… writing is cathartic, apparently.”  He frowns.  “Anyway, he has me write things sometimes…  Like three things that went well that day and three things that didn’t.  And he had me write Matty a letter.  And it.”  He scrubs a hand over his face and flinches when his phone dings on an incoming message.  He doesn’t look at it.  “I don’t know it helped me sort my feelings.”

She nods.  “I can see how that might help.  My girlfriend wrote a letter to her piece of shit ex and then burned it.” She grins.  “Personally I think her burning the bitches favorite autographed baseball card was the most cathartic part but yeah. She said it helped.”

“So, he said maybe it would help if I had a letter from Matty,” Danny says,, shrugging.  “And he’s not here to write one for me, so I’m supposed to write it for myself.”

She sighs.  “Why do you think he hates you Danny? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard.  He worshipped you.”

He shakes his head and rips his eyes off of the back of his phone.  “He just said some things the last time I saw him,” he says quietly.  “It doesn’t matter.” He shakes his head.  “I just wish sometimes I could tell him that I know I’m not perfect. I never thought I was.  I’ve fucked up so much.”

“What did he say, Danny?”

He shrugs.  “Just.  Some things.”

“Baby you gotta tell me what he said,” she cajoles, kicking her food out to hit him.  “I can't answer by osmosis.”

He laughs.  “That's not actually what osmosis is.”

She rolls her eyes.  “Oh shut the fuck up, Danny, maybe _I hate you_ , how about that?!”

Danny laughs.   “Sorry.”

“Danny, just… come on!”

“He said he knew I was loving this loving, loved him fucking up again because…”  Danny takes a deep breath.  “Because I'm the perfect son. And in the end he said. He said he’s not me, not strong like me and he just.”  Sighing he looks up at her.  “Stell he just sounded so fucking bitter.”

She shakes her head.  “No.  No that’s ridiculous, he loved you.”

He shrugs.  “You didn’t hear him.”

“Stop it. Not hearing it Daniel fuck that.”  she shakes her head again.  “No. He worshipped you.  Yes, he was jealous of you. All siblings have jealousy.  For fucks sake, you were jealous of me for my grades until I got knocked up and dropped out.”

Danny laughed.  “Maybe a little.  That’s not my fault though, Mom used to always say why can’t you be more like your sister!”

She rolls her eyes.  “Forget that, Danny, no he did not hate you.  He loved you and wanted to make you proud.”  She nods and she looks and sounds so certain and he wants to believe her so bad.  So, so bad.   “That bitterness was probably him being pissed at himself for how royally he fucked up. You know, you lash out at those ur closest to when ur upset.”  She laughs, shrugging.  “Lord knows I do.”

“Yeah,” he asked.  “You really think?”

“Yeah,” she says, nodding and reaching over to pat his hand.  “I know.”  He nods and she squeezes his hand.  “Now check your fucking phone already, I’m dying.”

He laughs and reaches over to pick up his phone.

  * _I would never give up on you, Danny.  Not even if you gave up on me first.  I love you.  What do you need me to do to prove that to you?_



“So then we have our next topic,” Stella says as he stares down at his phone.  “I know I was teasing you earlier about him being your boyfriend but obviously there’s something there.”

Danny looks up at her.  “It’s complicated.”

“It’s not,” she says, pointing at him.  “You’re in love.”

Looking back down at the phone he nods.  “Yeah, well.  There’s a little more to it than that.”

  * _****You don’t need to do anything.  I’ll talk to you later.****_



“Well come on.  Talk to me,” she says, smiling.  “Come on, we been crying all night, let’s talk about something easy.”

He laughs.  “Easy?  Being in love with someone and fucking it up is easy?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.”

So, he did.

+

They don’t wind up talking for 7 hours, they wind up talking for 6.  Danny falls onto his bed face first at 2:15am and doesn’t wake up once until 11am.  When he turns over to look at the clock, there’s a folded piece of paper blocking the numbers.

Opening it, he sits up as he realizes what it is and silently curses Stella in his head, laughing.  


_Dearest Daniel,_

_You jackass.  You cannot possibly think I hate you can you?  I worshipped you.  Do you forget all the times I stalked you like a little pathetic pipsqueak when you were hanging out with your boys and I was a pimple faced kid brother?  And you just rolled your eyes at me and let me hang too.  Because that’s just who you are._

_I never hated you.  I would never hate you.  I was jealous of you, yeah.  Of how proud our parents were of you, of how you were always the golden child, always did the right thing.   Always had the right thing to say, always knew just what to do.  Because I was knee-jerk and impetuous just like Ma and so were you but you had Pop’s steadfast moral center that always guided you-- I was too ADHD to listen to that side.  So even though you got busted for drugs and alcohol and skipping curfew and getting arrested at halloween, you were still the best kid in the neighborhood because underneath all the bullsht still beat that big ol heart of yours and yeah:  More than once I got pissed that I wasn’t you.  But that never meant I hated you._

_But here’s what you really need to know, Big Bro.  I fucked up.  I did it.  You did not do anything you shouldn’t have.  I fucked up, I made my choices, I made my bed, and I was too much of a coward to lie in it.  I chose to launder money for a fucking drug king and I chose to fuck him over and I chose to not come clean and I chose to stay on the run for four years.  I chose to let you down and my family down and myself down.  I chose all of these things on my own._

_You?  Chose to follow your daughter to make sure she had a good life with a good Daddy that was always fucking there for her so fuck you if you think you need to apologize for that and if you think you let me down for that.  That’s stupid, is what that is._

_Bottom line it, Danny:  I love you just the same as you love me.  Always, forever, 100%.  Dead, alive, here, gone, pissed at you, jealous of you, or in awe of you.  Forever and ever, here to the grave, and fucking beyond._

_Got it?_

_Love You, You Idiot,_

_Baby Bro_


	14. Chapter 14

After a shower and changing into fresh clothes, Danny comes into the livingroom to find Stella snoring and pretty much buried in laundry, folded towels to her left, shirts to be hung to her right, and her lap covered in no-longer-warm random items.  He sits down in the floor in front of her and starts folding.

She stirs when he peels the last remaining pair of sweatpants clutched in her hands out of them and blinks blearily around.  “Hey.  You’re good for something.  Who knew.”

Danny picks up a perfectly folded towel and chucks it at her head.  “Some thanks there, Stell.”

She laughs and bends forward to ruffle his hair and kiss him on the forehead.  Standing she stretches.  “No more emotional breakdowns at 2am in my kitchen, huh?  I’m too old for this shit.”

He stands up and shoves her forward towards the kitchen.  “Hey I tried to get away with a perfunctory ‘I’m fine,’ you’re the one who pushed.”

She pulls out the coffee grinds and makes a fresh pot, because it may be 1pm but they’re both still dead on their feet.  “I don’t do well with liars,” she says, giving him a look.  “Just ask Eric what I did when he tried to tell me he wasn’t the one that broke my flowerpot at 3am when he and his dumbass friends came tumbling in drunk.  You didn’t give me a choice but to push.”

“So,” Danny says, sitting down at the table and staring at the back of his sister’s head.  “I woke up to the strangest thing.  Turns out, Matty wrote me a letter.”

She stills but doesn’t turn around.  “Oh yeah?”

“Yep,” he says softly.  “Really nice letter.  Even though he calls me a fucking idiot a couple times.  Still.  The sentiment.”

“Mm,” she hums, watching the coffee drip drip drip slowly into the coffee pot.  “So it uh…  it helped?”

“Yeah,” he says, breathing in the first aromatic waves of the coffee like it was better than oxygen.  “Kinda did.  Thanks, babe.”

She sets a cup of coffee in front of him and winks.   “No need to thank me for coffee.”

“Yeah,” he says, grinning.  “That’s what I was thanking you for.”

“Ma called,” Stella says, sitting down next to him.  “Lasagna at 5:30, be there or get your ass kicked, she says.”

Danny laughs.  “Like I have to be convinced?”

She starts to answer but there’s a knock on the door.  Stella answers the door and Danny smiles to himself when she lets out a low whistle.  “Well hello there, tall, dark, and handsome.  How can I help you?”

“Hi, I’m here to see Danny, my name’s--”

“Steve,” Danny says, just about knocking Stella over in his haste to get to the door.  Staring wide eyed up at his partner he feels like he can’t even breath.  “What the--”

“I had to make sure you were..”  Steve hesitates and looks over at Stella before looking down at the floor.  “I had to see you.”

“That’s my cue to get outta here,” Stella says, grabbing her coat from beside the door and turning around to face Danny.  “You, behave.  I love you.”  She gives him a hug and a kiss on the cheek and then turns to Steve.  “You, behave.  I know you don’t know me but I know all about you both from Danny and from Eric, so, ya know, don’t get my house shot up.”

Steve laughs and looks at her, holding his hands up.  “Swear.”

“Fix yourself something light to tide you over til dinner, Steve we’re having lasagna at Ma’s,” she says, glancing between the two of them as she backs out of the house.  “I’ll text when I’m on my way.”

“Ok, Stell,” Danny says, waving her off and then shutting the door on her.  He turns to look at Steve.  “What are you doing here?”

He can hear Stella on the other side of the door, bitching.  “Shutting my door in my face.  That’s  _ my _ door, asshole.  You’re my  _ kid brother _ , you’re lucky I love you Daniel!”

“I’m sorry,” Steve says in a rush, stepping forward but stopping just short of touching Danny.  His hands float in the air, clutching at nothing.  “I’m so sorry, I know you said you wanted me to take time, and I… I tried to, but I’ve been wasting too much time lately, and Danny I just.”  He finally clamps a hand into Danny’s shirt, pulling Danny closer.  “I just need you to know I love you, and I’m sorry, and God Danny, please don’t leave.”

Danny leans against the door and takes a deep breath.  “Steve, who said I was leaving?  I’m taking some time.”

“You can’t leave me,” Steve says, grabbing Danny’s shirt and fisting it in his hand, hauling him towards him.  “I’m over it, I’m done being mad, it doesn’t matter, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty friend, Danny, you can’t leave me.”

Danny reaches up and clasps a hand over Steve’s in his shirt, looking at him.  Steve looks as utterly wrecked as Danny’s felt the past month, and it tears Danny’s insides up.  “I’m not.  Steven, I’m not leaving.”

“It doesn’t matter how I feel, it never did,” Steve says, stepping closer.  “I just need you to be okay, Danny.”

“Okay, hang on,” Danny says, putting his hands on Steve’s chest to gently push him away so he can get up off of the door and walk a little ways away.  He feels like he needs some distance, to breathe, to think.  “First, yes it does matter how you feel.  It always mattered how you felt, Steve.  Of course I care how you feel.”

Steve leans against the wall and his eyes glisten with unshed tears.  He blinks rapidly before meeting Danny’s eyes.  “I never hated you.  I was hurt Danny, but I never hated you.  I never should have said that.  I’m so sorry I haven’t been there for you.  I’m a fucking asshole, I know that.  I just couldn’t get past it.  I couldn’t see past it.  I wanted to, for you.”

“No, listen,” Danny says, stepping forward and reaching up to put his hands back on Steve’s chest.  “Listen.  I’m the fucking asshole.  That night I was so fucking wrecked I just decided somehow that I was gonna take what i wanted and not give a fuck about the consequences.  And that meant not giving a fuck about how you might feel.”  Closing his eyes in shame Danny ducks his head, not able to look at Steve any longer.  “I didn’t even consider you.  I just wanted.”

“It wasn’t about hurting yourself?  It wasn’t about punishing yourself?”

Danny sighed, pushing back and turning around to pace.  “It was a little.  It was..  I don’t know Steve, it was about all of it.  Taking what I wanted, hating myself for doing it, hating myself for loving you so fucking much.”  He shrugs looking up at the ceiling.  “So yeah, I guess the way I did it, the way I made it happen, was about punishing myself.  Get you out of my system.”

Steve shakes his head.  “I don’t want to be out of your system, Danny.  Don’t you know that’s why I was so upset?  God, Danny, I fucking love you so much.  I wanted us to be beautiful.  I wanted to take our time, explore each other.  Laugh and be happy.  I didn’t want to fuck you over the couch and not be able to see your face.”

Danny blinks at him.  “What?”

“I don’t want to think back at our first time and feel shame, Danny.  I don’t want to remember puking whiskey in your bushes before tearing ass home to fucking not be able to sleep because all I can think about is hurting you.”

Danny doesn’t even know tears are falling until Steve steps up to wipe them away.  “I didn’t know that,” Danny says, voice raw.  “I didn’t know any of that.”

“I didn’t come here to upset you more,” Steve says, his hands framing Danny’s face, thumbs wiping away Danny’s tears.  “I came here to explain.  And to say I’m sorry.  I’m not angry anymore.  I don’t think I ever was.  It just hurt too much.”

“But you knew I was in love with you, right,” Danny says, grabbing Steve’s shirt and twisting his hands in it, pulling him up tight against him.  “You knew that right?  You have to have known that.”

“If I had maybe I could have dealt better with this,” Steve says back, rueful smile on his face.  “But no.  I didn’t.”

“God you’re stupid,” Danny says, blinking to try and stop the stupid tears that just keep happening.  He laughs.  “So in love with you.  So stupid head over heels, Steve.  You’re everything, babe.  Fucking everything.”

“Danny,” is all Danny lets Steve get out before he wraps his hand behind Steve’s neck and pulls him down into a fierce kiss.  Sliding his fingers up into Steve’s hair he deepens the kiss and thinks  _ I love you, I love you, I love you _ into it so loud that Steve has to hear it, he just has to.  And for good measure, he throws in a few  _ I’m sorry’s _ too.

“Let’s make a new first time,” he whispers against Steve’s neck as he bites and licks at Steve’s neck.  “Last time doesn’t count, let’s make a new one. Let me make it up to you.”

“Danny this is your sister’s house,” Steve says, but laughs as Danny takes his hand and starts yanking him down the hallway.  “Danny!”

“Shut up,” Danny says, yanking him into the room he’s been staying, shutting the door closed behind him.  He starts working on Steve’s button up shirt, his fingers shaking.  “Come on, help me here.”

Steve reaches down and stills Danny’s hands.  “Hey.  Slow down,” he says, grinning and bending down to kiss Danny again, hands coming up to cup Danny’s head, holding him there still and quiet.  “We don’t have to do this now.”

“But it’s my fault,” Danny says, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against Steve’s.  “I fucked up so bad, I want… I want to make it up to you. I want you to know how much you mean to me, how much I love you, how much--”

“We,” Steve says, kissing him quickly three times in rapid succession, making Danny laugh.  “We fucked it up, okay?  And we’ll make it up to each other.  We don’t have to rush, it took us 6 years to get here, we can take a minute.”

Danny takes a deep breath and smooths his hands down over Steve’s shoulders and down his arms.  “Okay, but let’s at least go in the kitchen because I cannot look at you in a room with a bed and not…”

Steve laughs, reaching over to open the door.  “Okay, fair enough.”

Danny sits Steve down at the table and puts two cups of coffee in front of them. “This was Stella’s but she doens’t have cooties, I promise.”

Steve laughs, looking up at him, and Danny perches his ass against the counter behind him, bringing up the cup to sip.  “Danny…  sit.”

“Oh,” Danny says, shaking his head and sitting down.  “Sorry.”

“So how are you,” Steve asks once Danny finally sits.  “How’s your parents?”

“They’re.”  Danny sighs, scrubbing at his face.  “Surprisingly handling it much better than I have been this past year or four,” he says, looking at Steve. “I finally told them.  The truth.”

Steve’s eyebrows raise.  “About.”

Danny nods.  “About everything,” he says quietly.  “The money, lying to the feds to let him go, Reyes, killing him, the…”  Danny takes a deep breath.  “How we found him, in the.. In the…”

“Yeah,” Steve says, grabbing Danny’s hand, squeezing it.  

“I didn’t know,” Danny says, laughing suddenly and shaking his head.  “I swear, I didn’t even have the slightest clue how much I was shouldering that.  How much stress I felt about… I was fucking terrified they’d blame me.  Hate me.  Never speak to me again.”  He flicks his eyes to look at Steve.  “That they’d agree with me.  I’ve been blaming myself for four years, since he left, and since he died, and--”

“I know you have.”

“And I still do, Steve,” Danny says, squeezing Steve’s hand and leaning forward, looking into his eyes.  “I need you to know that, no matter how much you tell me to not, doesn’t matter how many times, not you, not Pop, not Stella… I will always blame myself.”

Steve nods, thumb rubbing over Danny’s hand.  “I know you will,” he says.  “You think I don’t blame myself for Freddie?  For my Dad?  Of course I blame myself.”

Danny blinks at him.  “Then why… you always say don’t.  You always say you can’t blame yourself.”

“Because I know,” Steve says, voice hushed even though no one’s in the house.  “I know what that feels like.  The guilt, Danny, it eats you.  It keeps you up at night, haunts your dreams, wakes you up when you finally do slip off.  It kills you, slowly, inch by inch.  I didn’t want that for you.”

“Babe,” Danny says, covering Steve’s hand on his with his other.

“This isn’t about me,” Steve says, looking down.  “I’m just saying, I get it.  I get you.  I know.  But coming from my end, you  _ shouldn’t _ blame yourself.  But I know you always will.”

“Sometimes maybe you just have to let people take the blame,” Danny says quietly.  “Sometimes maybe it helps, to have someone to blame, even if its yourself.  Maybe it’s better sometimes than blaming someone else.”

“Maybe,” Steve says, nodding.  “But I still wouldn’t wish it on you.”

Danny reaches over and squeezes Steve’s knee.  “Nor me you,” he says, and then stands.  “You want something to eat?  Ma’s lasagna is really filling but I haven’t eaten yet today.”

“Oh, no, I don’t mean to intrude,” Steve says, waving a hand.  

“Oh come on,” Danny says laughing.  “Do you really think I’d ever hear the end of it if my Ma found out you were here and I didn’t bring you to dinner?”

“This is your family time,” Steve says.

“No, you’re coming,” Danny says, nodding like it’s final.  Mostly because it is.  “You’re here, you’re coming.” 

Steve smiles slightly.  “I know I said you could take a year if it’s what you needed, but… God, I didn’t even last three days.”

Danny laughs.  “Yeah, not so much with the patience,” he says softly.  “Why  _ are _ you here?  I just texted with you last night, you didn’t say a word.”

“I didn’t know I was coming then,” Steve says, leaning back to look up at Danny.  “I just, I got to the office this morning at 6 and I looked at your office and I just felt like my entire world was fucking ending,” he says, voice pinched.  “I just kept picturing what my life would be like without you in it anymore.  These past few weeks have been the loneliest weeks of my life, Danny, but I could always look across the office and see you there, even if you weren’t talking to me.  The loneliness of the past month, it’s nothing compared to the big black gaping hole I see for a future without you in it at all.”

“I really wasn’t leaving,” Danny says quietly.  “I was never planning on leaving.”

“And then Kono says to me, are you really just gonna stand there and let him let you go,” Steve says, breathing out a loud breath.  “And no.  No, Danny.  Not ever.  I can’t let you do that.”

Danny smirks to himself.  “I’m gonna have to give that girl a lesson in keeping it to yourself.”

“She was right, Danny,” Steve says.  “That’s what I’ve been doing this whole fucking time.  Letting you.”   He sits up.  “I let you use me.  That’s a choice I made.  I  _ let _ you. I knew what you were doing, I knew it was wrong, I knew it wasn’t good for you, or for me, but I let you.  Because you were hurting, and I can’t stand to see you hurt.”

Danny closes his eyes.  “Steve.”

“No, this isn’t one of those things where I’m gonna take blame cuz that’s easier, I’m taking blame because this is the truth,” Steve says, reaching out and grabbing Danny’s hand.  “You told me to leave.  I chose to stay.  And I blamed you but I should have been blaming myself.”

Danny shakes his head.  “But that doesn’t excuse how I behaved.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Steve says.  “But it doesn’t excuse what I did either.”

Danny looks at Steve and really doesn’t see any more blame or anger or hurt there anymore, only acceptance, and it’s like a brick house is being removed from his shoulders.  “Swear to God?  You swear to God we’re okay now?”

“I swear,” Steve says, standing up and walking into Danny’s space, putting his hands on his shoulders and leaning close.  “Promise.”

“Please don’t do that ever again,” Danny says, leaning his forehead against Steve’s.  “I can’t fucking take you leaving me like that again.  It felt like I was dying inside.”

“I’m so sorry,” Steve says, tilting Danny’s chin to look up at him.  

“Your fault, my fault, I don’t care,” Danny says, fingers digging into Steve’s biceps.  “It doesn’t matter, just don’t leave me again.”

“Okay,” Steve says, kissing him softly before reluctantly pulling away.  “So what do you want?  You wanna go out and grab something to eat or find something here?”

“What I want,” Danny says, sliding his fingers up and back into Steve’s hair and pulling him up against him.  “Is to make a grilled cheese sandwich, turn on the tv and watch whatever the hell’s on, and take a nap until it’s time to go to my Ma’s.”

Steve laughs.  “Not getting enough sleep?”

“I was up til 3:30 last night,” Danny says, digging cheese out of the fridge.  “Heart to hearts are necessary but damn they take up a lot of your pillow time.”

+

“I am so glad you came, Steven,” Clara says, grabbing both his ears as she smacks a kiss to each of his cheeks.  “When did you get in?  How was your flight?  How long are you staying?  Where will you be staying?  How’s your sister?”

“Clara, jeez, let the boy answer before you bulldoze him with another question,” Eddie says, laughing and shaking Steve’s hand with a powerful grip.  “Good to see you again, son.”

“The uh, the flight was good, a little turbulence but I’ve never minded that,” Steve says, trying to turn to speak to Clara as Danny pushes him inside the house and down the hall to the kitchen.  “Um, I got in about 11, and I don’t actually… um, have a plan on where to stay or when I’m leaving.”

When Steve looks at him Danny rolls his eyes.  “Your sister.”

“Oh, yeah, my sister’s good, her and Joanie are good,” he says, grinning.  “She’s growing up so fast.”

“Pictures,” Clara says, pointing at the kitchen table and sitting down next to Steve.  “Pictures, videos, now.”

Steve looks down, a little shy if Danny were to try and classify the look, and it’s very charming.  “Well, Mar does use instagram so mostly there’s where I--”

“Oh then I don’t even need you,” Clara says, pulling out her phone.  “Gracie’s got me addicted to that thing, I’m very hip to the instagram crowd.”

Steve laughs, looking up at Danny.  “Hip to it huh?”

“Don’t make fun of my mother, Steven,” Danny says, and then frowns at Clara.  “Though… Mom, really.  Hip?”

“They said that,” Clara says defensively.  “Back when I was growing up.”

“That was the 70’s doll,” Eddie says.  “Now they say some shit like totes magotes or something.”

“Totes my what,” Danny asks, wrinkling his nose.

“Fucked if I know, it’s on a commercial,” Eddie says, shrugging.   “Who wants a beer?”

“I want wine, you neaderthal’s,” Stella says, leaning against Steve’s back to peer over his shoulder at the pictures of Mary and Joanie.  “You and your sister look nothing alike.”

“Yeah, she always took after Mom and me after Dad,” Steve says, and then hands his phone to Stella, who quickly whisks it over to the other side of the table and starts swiping through the pictures.  He laughs.  “Your sister is  _ just like you _ ,” he says to Danny.

“Rude, obnoxious, and too familiar,” Danny asks.  Steve nods.  “Yeah.”  He points to Clara.

“I am not rude, I’m much too cute to be obnoxious, and…”  Clara frowns.  “I fail to see why treating everyone like they’re my oldest and dearest is a negative.”

“Never said it was,” Steve says, laying his hand on hers and grinning.  “In fact it’s one of my favorite traits in both you and your son.”

“Hey,” Stella yells, looking up and glaring at him. “What about me?”

Steve holds up his hands.  “I’m sure in you too!”

“Don’t mind her,” Danny says, sitting down next to Stella to peer over her shoulder.  “She’s all bark and no bite.”

Stella laughs.  “Tell that to Teddy.”

“Oh,” Danny says, and then busts up laughing.  “Okay, some bite.  Some.”

“Who’s Teddy,” Steve asks.

“Old boyfriend of Stella’s,” Clara says, smiling.  “He used to have the cutest most perfect nose.”

Steve looks around the table.  “Used to.”

Danny nods.  “Now it’s a little bit more like a boxer’s nose.”  He grins, proud.  “Broken in three places.”

Steve’s eyebrows raise.  “Three!”

Stella just smiles sweetly.  “Didn’t learn the lesson the first time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY STEVENNNNNNNNNNN. I wrote this part um, about 7 chapters ago (thought had to edit it a fair amount once it got time to use it). I knew it wouldn't come in until now but I had to resolve it so I could concentrate on the build up, so believe me I know how much ya'll've been wanting the Steve Resolution scene as well.
> 
> Still thinking one more chapter, undecided on epilogue.
> 
> This has been a motherfucking journey ya'll. Phew.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter!!!! To be followed by an epilogue shortly.

“You know, I’ve actually seen this one before, Eric emailed it out,” Danny hears Steve saying as he walks back out into the den.  “The first time he came out… to Danny’s entire email address book.  Danny was pissed.”

Danny plucks the photo album out of Steve and Stella’s hands and throws it down on the coffee table.  “No.”

Steve grins up at him. “Come on Danny.  I love seeing how you grew up.”  He leans forward and flips open the album, pointing to one of the pictures.  “I mean this one?  You’re so cute with your mohawk and pajamas.”

Danny rolled his eyes.  “Okay.  Not pajamas, okay?  They were sweats and a tshirt, asshole.”

“Sweetie, your shirt said Mama’s Boy inside a big purple heart--”  Stella starts, and Danny claps a hand on her mouth and shoves her head into the couch cushion.   She flails her arm and smacks him soundly on the side of the head twice before he lets go to cradle his head in his hands.  “Jerkoff.”

“Bitch,” he says, grinning from ear to ear as he massages his cheek.  “It was Christmas morning!”

“Hey,” Clara says, smacking Danny on the back of the head as she comes into the room.  “No name calling.”

“Hitting, Ma, no hitting either,” he says, reaching back to scrub his hand over his head.  “God damn, the women in this family are so abusive!”

Clara sits next to Steve and reaches forward for the album.  “Oh, the era of the mohawk,” she says, looking down at the album.  “I thought I’d failed as a mother.”

“Ma!”

“Fights after school, finding pot hidden in his underwear drawer, that sullen scowl on his face,” she says, looking over at Steve.  “I thought to myself, what has happened to my sweet baby boy?”

“Daniel, pot in your underwear drawer,” Steve said, trying for stern and failing miserably as a grin quirked at the edges of his mouth.

“He wasn’t ever your sweet little boy,” Stella says, drawing her legs up and smirking.  “He was always an anger ball, Ma.”

“True,” Clara says, holding up a finger, “But always a sweet angerball.  Always had manners and watched his language, and suddenly he’s getting in fights and listening to that terrible music--”

“Beastie Boys,” Stella says on a smirk.  “Ma hated the Beastie Boys.”

“And wearing his hair like he was one of those good for nothing punks,” she finished, pointing a long nail down at one of the pictures like she’d rather take that nail and skin that hair right off his head instead.  “But I didn’t say.  I let him do it.  I held my hands up and let him have his phase.”

“Didn’t say,” Danny snorts.

Clara stares at him with her mouth hanging open.  “Daniel, I never once said you couldn’t wear your hair that way, or your pants all torn and hanging off your ass, or listen to your awful, makes my ears bleed music.”

“True,” Stella says, nodding seriously.  “She never  _ said _ anything, Danny.”

“Right,” Danny says, nodding and leaning against the back of the couch next to his sister.  “She just gave the patented Clara Williams Look of Disappointment and Distain.”

Stella and Danny both make the exact same face at the exact same time and Steve cracks up laughing, pointing at them.  “Danny, you give me that look fourteen times a day!”

Danny grins.  “I learned it from the best.”

“It’s reserved only for those we love the most dear,” Clara says, patting Steve on the cheek and flipping forward in the book.  “There.  This is my Daniel,” she says, lifting up the book and showing the room Danny graduating from the police academy.  “Still the hair growing out but the smile back, that proud puff to his chest, and that crisp nice uniform!”

Danny buries his head in Stella’s hair. “Make it stop, make it stop.”

Stella laughs and pats his cheek.  “Alright Ma, we’ve tortured him enough.  I’ve got plans tonight and need to get back to get ready.”

Clara grins and raises an eyebrow.  “Plans?  Do these plans happen to be with a certain gentleman caller?”

“Ma, jeez,” Stella says, standing up and walking briskly around the couch.  “Never you mind.”

Danny hugs Clara and kisses her on the cheek and Steve does the same.  Coming up behind Stella he get in front of her, raising an eyebrow.  “Gentleman caller?”

She gives him a withering look.  “None of yours.”

He puts a hand on her collarbone, holding her in place.  “Gentleman?”

“Oh, Gracie is in for some fun,” Steve says, grinning as he comes up to them.  

“Oh she is in ten years time when she’s allowed to date without a chaperone,” Danny says, stepping in Stella’s way.  “‘Scuse me, you didn’t answer.”

“I’ve been dating,” she says, spreading her hands.  “He’s very nice, we’ve been on five dates, he’s a firefighter.”

“Nope,” Danny says, shaking his head.  “Nuh uh.”

She shoves him away.  “Get your ass in the car or l’ve you and Steve here to be tortured by Ma’s trip down memory lane.”

“Stella, I thought we agreed no more firefighters,” Danny says, almost pleading as he runs to catch up to her.  “I thought three schmucks was enough for you.”

She rolls her eyes at him.  “You know, Daddy was a firefighter.”

“Yeah,” Danny said sitting in the passenger seat and waving Steve to sit in the back.  “And he’s the one who told you not to date fucking firemen!”

Stella smiles sweetly at him.  “Danny?”

Danny sits back and points at himself.  “Shut my fucking mouth?”

“So tight,” she says, jabbing a nail into his chest, turning to look at Steve.  “You’re staying at my place, by the way.  There’s a pull out couch, or…”  She glances at Danny quickly and then grins, looking forward.  “I’m sure you two will figure it out.”

Danny glared at her.  “Subtle.”

“What,” Stella says, shrugging.  “I’m just saying.”

“Would you just,” Danny says, gesturing to the road agitatedly.  “Don’t you have a date to prepare for?”

+

“I probably won’t be back til midnight or so,” Stella says, buzzing around Danny in her robe as he sits on the edge of her bed.  “So you two are on your own for dinner and after, and I’ll text before I get home.”

He rolls his eyes.  “Why do you always say that?”

She stops, frowning at him.  “Say what?”

“That you’ll text that you’re on the way home.”

She rolls her eyes.  “You’re not really that dense.”  She glances to the open doorway and then walks over to shut it and lowers her voice.  “So if y’all are fucking you can finish before I get here!”

He covers his face.  “Oh, God, Stella!”

“Look I got condoms in my nightstand, in the drawer there, right by your knee--”

“Stella, please stop--”

“And lube--”

“Stella!”

She grins.  “What a baby you are.  Is it because I’m talking to you about sex or because it’s obvious I have it?  I do have a kid, you know.”

He grits his teeth.  “I am not going to use my sisters condoms and lube!”

She sits down and takes the towel off of her head, beginning to comb through it.  “It ain’t like they’re  _ used _ Danny.”

“Are we done now, can you stop torturing me now,” Danny says, standing up and pacing.  “I never understood why women always have to talk so much immediately after a shower before they get dressed.   I take a shower I immediately get dressed, women just gotta….” He makes a chattering motion with his hand.  “All the time!”

She stops combing her hair and turns to face him.  “You’re nervous.”

“What,” he says, turning quickly on his heels and pacing again the length of the bed before looking down at his feet and stopping.  Sitting quickly he looks up at her.  “Am not.”

She just looks at him.

His fingers twist into his pants and he takes a deep breath.  “It’s so much more than just…. I have to make it perfect Stell.  I gotta… I gotta make sure he knows.  I can’t just.  It’s not just.”  He closes his eyes, his head bending forward.  “God, Stell, I fucked up so bad last time.”

“Danny, he knows.”  He snorts and she stands to come sit down next to him on the bed. “He does.  Of course he knows.  If he didn’t he wouldn’t be here.  And, if he didn’t feel the same he wouldn’t be here.”

Danny runs his hands up and down his legs briskly.  “I just, I need him to know how much I love him.  That I’ve always…  That it’s not just…”  He laughs, rolling his eyes to look up at the ceiling.  “God, what the fuck’s wrong with me?”

Stella reaches up and grabs his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her.  “First off, you don’t have to have sex at all.  You don’t have to tell him shit through sex, Danny.  You just look him in the eye and you say it, huh?”

He swallows, nodding.  “Yeah.”

“Second of all,” she says, raising her eyebrows.  “He flew to New Jersey for you.  Overnight.  Last minute.”

He lets out a breath, nodding.  “Yeah.  That… that means something.”

“Yeah it means he loves you, idiot,” she says, letting go of his face and smacking a kiss to his forehead as she stands.  “Now get out, I gotta get dressed.  I’m gonna be late.”

Danny laughs and stands, walking towards the door.  Turning around he looks at her, hair wet and half in her face, frowning but amused, blue puffy robe tattered and too old, and feels a rush of a affection so huge he has to cross the room again and just hug her.  “Hey,” he says into her neck.  “I love you sis.”

“Aw, I love you too,” she huffs out, hugging him back before shoving him away.  “Out with you.”

Walking into the den he finds Steve sitting on the couch on the phone, his feet propped up on the coffee table, toes curling and uncurling.  “Yeah, I said thanks.  Don’t be a jerk.  I wasn’t…. Okay, I didn’t mean to be a jerk!  No, I was, you know what?  No, you know what?  Shut up is what.  Young lady, I will demote you.”

Danny laughs, plopping onto the couch next to him.  “Kono?”

“Yeah…”  Steve rolls his eyes and then holds out the phone.  “I mean, she’s literally screeching to talk to you at this point.”

Danny laughs and takes the phone.  “Hey.”

“Hey,” Kono says.  “Hey!”

He grins and rests his head back against the couch.  “Good to hear your voice babe.”

“Yeah yours too, we miss you,” she says, sighing.  “I’ve been worried.  Trying not to, ya know, trying to let you just do your thing but.  I’m glad Steve went.  I might’ve come if he hadn’t.”

Looking over at Steve he catches him looking at him, a warm smile on his face, and reaches over to take his hand in his.  Twining their fingers together he stares down at their hands and takes a deep breath.  “Hey Kono, I know I’ve said thanks before.  For being there for me.  For… kicking my ass when I needed it.  Being a shoulder for me.  But… have I told you how much I love you?  You, Chin, Lou, Steve… I was such a miserable person before you guys came in and made yourselves my Ohana.  I don’t say it enough, how much that means to me.”

“Danny, that’s not fair, you’re not allowed to make me cry at 11 o’clock in the morning!”

Danny laughs.  “Sorry, sorry.”  Steve’s hand squeezes his and he looks over to meet his eyes, feeling overwhelmed.   “I’m good though.  It’s better.  I feel better.  You were right, I needed to talk to them about this.”

“I’m so glad.”  He hears her sniffle and smiles to himself.  “I just want you to be happy again.”

“Getting there, huh,” he says, clearing his throat as Stella comes out of her bedroom wearing a black shirt and jeans that just way, way too tight and ripped in one too many places.  “Can I talk to you later?  I have to tell my sister that she’s not allowed to wear ripped jeans out in public.”

“She looks hot,” Steve says, and Danny rips his hand out of Steve’s and smacks him hard on the chest.  “What, she does!”

“Thank you, Steven,” Stella says, fixing her bracelet and sticking in her earrings as she gloats at Danny.

“Try not to kill Steve, huh?  I’ll miss bossman if you kill him.”

“Yeah,” Danny says, distractedly, handing the phone back to Steve.  “Stella, you’re not wearing those.”

“The hell I’m not.”

“Stella!”

“Daniel!”

+

Halfway through the third episode of Friends they’re marathoning on TNT Steve reaches over, hooks his hand on the side of Danny’s face, and turns his head towards him.  “I’m tired of watching television,” he whispers, and then kisses Danny so thoroughly Danny feels dizzy by the time he pulls back.

“But this is the one where Chandler gets his third nipple removed and--”

“Shut up,” Steve says, smiling as he turns, sliding his hand down Danny’s chest as he leans forward to kiss him again, opening his mouth and winding his tongue with his.  

Danny’s hands raise to clasp onto Steve’s arm, holding him there as he breathes into the kiss and wishes for it to never end.  “I can’t believe you came all this way.”

“I had to make sure you were okay,” Steve whispers back against his lips.  “I’ll always come for you, it doesn’t matter where you are or where we are, I will always, always come.”  

Danny’s hands come up to grab Steve’s face, surging forward to deepen the kiss, pouring everything into it.  “Hey,” he says between kisses.  “I love you so much, Steve, you know that, right?  You know I love you, right?”

“Come on,” Steve says, and then leans back, hands coming up to take Danny’s hands off his face, grasping them as he gets up off the couch.  “Come on.”

“Come what, what are you doing, where are you going,” Danny asks, hands squeezing tight around Steve’s to hold him in place.  “Don’t leave.”

Steve leans forward and kisses him against and leans his forehead against his again.  “Not the couch again, this time I want it in a bed, and I want to see you. I wanna see your eyes.”

“You wanna,” Danny asks breathlessly, allowing Steve to haul him up to his feet, start pulling him down the hallway.  “God are you sure, yesterday Steve, you didn’t want--”

“I always want you, Danny,” Steve says, stopping suddenly enough that Danny walks into his chest.  Laughing Steve wraps his arms around Danny and hauls him close up against him.  “I don’t want us to have make-up sex, or apology sex, or do-over sex.”  He leans his forehead against Danny’s and kisses the tip of his nose.  “I just want us to make love because we love each other.”

Danny smirks up at him and arches an eyebrow. “Make love, huh?  You know I’m a sure thing, right McGarrett?  You don’t gotta Smooth Dog me.”

Opening the door to the spare bedroom Danny’s been staying in, Steve glares at him, smacks him on the ass, and shoves him inside.  “Shut up.”

Danny laughs and reaches up to peel his shirt off, his skin tingling at the way Steve’s eyes travel the length of his body.  Reaching down he starts unbuttoning his jeans as he toes off his sneakers.  “Well come on, get with the program.”

“Yeah,” Steve says, instead just leaning back against the door behind him.  “Maybe I’ll just watch for a second.”

“Shit,” Danny says, covering his face.  “Wait, pause, we gotta hold off while I run to the store.”

Steve frowns, hands pausing as he’s reaching down to take off his own shirt.  “Why?”

“I don’t have…” Danny gestures and shrugs.  “I mean, Stella’s got… but I don’t feel comfortable using hers, and I’m definitely not using her lube and--”

Steve laughs, peeling his shirt off.  “I’ve got that covered,” he says.

Danny sits on the bed, his jeans unzipped but not taken off, feet dangling inches from the floor.  “You do?”

“Yeah,” Steve says, sliding his jeans down and off and then stalking forward, coming up between Danny’s legs and framing Danny’s face with his hands as Danny’s hands land on his hips.  “They’re in the bag I brought in earlier from the corner store.  I just… I bought them on the way here.”

Danny laughs up at him.  “When you said you wanted to stop and get gum?”

Steve shrugs.  “I got gum too.”

“Okay, why are we still talking,” Danny says, eyes drifting up Steve’s chest as his hands skim down the lines of his hips, smooth tanned skin, defined muscles of his six pack.  Thick, hard cock jutting out toward Danny, just begging to be touched.  Danny feels pulled towards it like a string tied tight.  Looking up into Steve’s eyes he wraps a hand around Steve and squeezes, watches Steve’s eyes roll back in his head before lowering his mouth to touch his tongue to it.

Steve’s hand lands tentatively in his hair and Danny groans as he licks the tip of Steve’s cock, wraps his lips around it and slowly lowers his head onto it, listening to Steve’s stuttered out breath.  Listens as Steve says, “Danny, Danny, fuck.”

Danny swallows around his cock and reaches down to palm himself through the opening in his own jeans, thinks he can come just like this, just the salty taste of Steve, the velvet against his tongue, his thumbs pressing into Steve’s hips, the fingers in his hair.  The sound of Steve above him as he fills Danny’s mouth, the way his breath catches, that barely there whine, the hitch in the back of Steve’s throat, the way Danny thinks if he hits the right spot, if he just figures out where Steve’s button is, he’ll come loud and long and fucking beautiful.

He’s got a new mission in life, and it’s finding that spot.

He growls in frustration when Steve suddenly and almost violently shoves him off, blinking up dazedly and feeling drunk on the scent and taste to see Steve hitting his knees in front of him, hands coming up to yank on Danny’s jeans and boxers, pulling, yanking impatiently.  “Steve.”

“Off, Danny, off, I want them off, I need you naked, now,” Steve says in a rush, yanking off Danny’s socks, tossing everything behind him as he extracts it from Danny’s feet.  Finally he’s crawling up Danny’s body, pushing him down on top of the bed and lowering his body on top of him, kissing him so deep and hot Danny’s straining against him unable to breathe and not even caring.  “God, Danny, need to fuck you.”

Danny’s cock twitches at the words and he lets out a moan, fingers clutching into the skin at Steve’s side.  “Do it, come on, Steve, I want it.”

Steve rolls off of him and reaches over the side of the bed to grasp clumsily at the plastic bag he’d tossed in there haphazardly when they’d arrived home hours before.  He kneels beside Danny and shakily opens the box of condoms as Danny rolls over on his stomach.  “Danny, no.”

Danny looks at him, hooking his elbows underneath him to raise his head.  “You okay?”

“I don’t…”  Steve looks down at the condoms on the bed, fumbling one between his fingers.  “I don’t ever want you to… I don’t want to fuck you like that.” 

Catching Danny’s eyes he looks haunted, sad.  Guilty.   Danny reaches over to grab his hand. “Babe?”

“Please don’t give me your back,” he whispers, eyes skittering away.  “I need to see you.”

“Hey,” Danny says, hurriedly getting up and crawling over to Steve, putting his knees on either side of Steve’s.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t… We won’t, okay?  I wasn’t thinking.”

“Don’t apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong, I just.”  Steve sighs, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose as Danny runs his hands down Steve’s arms soothingly.  “It was just so impersonal and.  I just I want us. Danny, I want us.”

“It’s us, it’s us,” Danny says, kissing Steve on the mouth, on the cheek.  Kissing his nose.  “Just us babe, just me and you, for as long as you want me.”

Steve smiles, cupping Danny’s cheek.  “My Danno,” he says, kissing him.  “Forever, that’s how long I’ll want you, forever and always.  It’s always been you.”

“C’mere,” Danny says, taking the condom out of Steve’s hand and opening it, tossing the wrapper onto the floor beside the bed.  Taking Steve’s cock in his hands he slowly slides the condom on it, kissing Steve slowly as he does so, taking his time.  “I’m gonna sit in your lap and you’re gonna fuck me until neither of us can walk anymore, okay?  Sound good to you?”

Steve’s eyes fall shut.  “Jesus Christ Danny.”

“Gimme your hand,” Danny says, and grabs the lube to coat Steve’s fingers with it.  “Put your fingers inside of me.”

Steve looks down at his hand and then back up at Danny.  “Just one right?”

Danny grins and takes Steve’s wrist in his hand, guiding him back to his ass.  “At first, just one.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Steve says as Danny bites his neck gently, his hand cupping Danny’s ass, index finger nearing the opening of Danny’s asshole but not delving in.  “If it hurts you stop me, even a little bit, Danny, I mean it.”

“Hey,” Danny says, grabbing Steve’s face and meeting his eyes.  “I got you right?”  Steve nods.  “And you got me, right?”  Steve nods again, free hand coming up to trace over Danny’s cheek, thumb brushing over Danny’s lips.  “I trust you.  You won’t hurt me.”

As Steve’s finger delves inside of him Danny’s eyes shut and he huffs out a breath, arms wrapping around Steve’s neck.  He finds he wants the burn of more, wants two fingers, three, just wants Steve’s cock inside of him now, but he’ll do this for Steve.  He’ll wait for Steve, he’ll take it slow for him.  He’ll make sure Steve knows that he’s good if that’s what he needs.

When he can’t take it anymore he licks up Steve’s neck and whispers in his ear, “Come on, put two in now.”

“Sure,” Steve asks, voice trembling.  He’s hard against Danny’s belly as he drags him closer, second finger teasing the entrance next to his first.  

“Yeah I’m sure, it feels so good,” Danny says, moaning as Steve finally slides his second finger in.  “Can’t wait to have you inside me, Steve, I’ve been wanting it for so long.”

“Me too,” Steve says, husky and right in Danny’s ear.  “Like this, just like this, where I can kiss you and see you and watch you come.”

“Please,” Danny says, grinding down onto Steve’s hand, fingers clutching into his sides, his back, “just do it, I’m ready.”

“Danny,” Steve starts, but breaks off on a moan as Danny wraps his fingers around Steve’s cock, lifts himself and pulls closer, pulls himself away from Steve’s fingers and towards Steve’s cock, guiding him.  “Danny, Danny, Danny” he chants.

Danny lowers himself onto Steve’s cock slowly, biting his lip.  Steve inhales sharply and Danny shivers, groaning again before leaning back to lock eyes with Steve, kiss him with his eyes wide open.  “Fuck, Steve.”

Steve wraps his arms around Danny and leans them over, laying Danny on his back, Danny wrapping his legs around Steve’s hips.  “God, Danny, you feel so good.”

Steve starts to move, pumping slowly into Danny, and Danny feels electrified.  Feels like he’s ready to come and they haven’t even begun, not really.  It hasn’t been like this, it’s never been like this.  The guys he’s fucked from bars, in stalls, in back rooms, even in his own bed.  Not even Melissa, or Rachel.  It’s never been this intense, this fast, this fucking amazing.  Maybe that’s because it’s been six years coming or maybe it’s because it’s Steve or maybe it’s because he’s been so god damned fucking weighed down and miserable for the past few months, but feeling Steve inside of him, on top of him, all around him, feels like fucking heaven and he doesn’t want it to ever end.

And then, just like that, Steve hits his spot, that one spot that does him in, and he’s coming, too soon, too fast, too hard, trembling and loud and saying things he’s not even aware he’s saying, couldn’t repeat them for anything, couldn’t tell you what they were, just coming and babbling and scratching his nails down into Steve’s skin as he comes and comes and comes, heel digging into Steve’s calf muscle hard enough to probably be painful.

“Fuck, Danny, fuck, fuck, yes,” Steve says and pumps into him quick and hard three more times before he comes too, Danny panting into his hair, clutching at his back, whispering his name over and over.  “Fuck.”

“Amazing, amazing,” Danny says, hauling Steve’s head down and kissing him long and deep, “So fucking amazing, I knew it would be like this.”

“Good thing your sister left,” Steve says, pulling back to smirk down at him.  “I think you woke people up in Guam.”

Danny frowns up at him.  “Did you really just talk about my sister while your dick is still in my ass?”  Steve cracks up laughing and Danny joins in and it’s the lightest and most free he’s felt in months.  Maybe in years.  “Hey babe.  Thank you.”

Steve quirks an eyebrow.  “Thank you?”

Danny nods, brushing Steve’s hair back, tracing the lines on Steve’s face, thumb brushing over his lips.  “For coming back.  For not giving up on me.  For not letting me leave us.”

Steve pulls out and falls to the side, bringing Danny with him.  “You really would have left.”

Danny nods and Steve hugs him tighter.  He smiles into the hollow of Steve’s throat.  “I never, ever meant to hurt you.”

“I never meant to hurt you either,” Steve whispers back.  “But for the record, nothing would ever hurt me more than you leaving me.”

Danny kisses his collarbone and mouths at it, nipping gently.  “Guess you’re stuck with me huh?”

“Stuck with each other, yep,” Steve says.  “Your phone’s going off.”

Danny frowns.  “What?”

Steve points back towards the living room. “I can hear it beeping.”

“You ninja, how the hell can you hear that,” Danny asks, rolling over to get out of bed.  “Oh it’s probably Stella saying she’s on her way back.”

“We should get dressed then,” Steve says, swinging his legs over the side of the bed.

Danny frowns down at his watch.  “It’s only ten, she said midnight.”

Steve stands, pulling up his jeans without bothering with his underwear.  “Guess her date went bad.”

Danny walks out into the den and looks at his phone, bringing it back to the bedroom.  He smiles.  “Bringing home entenmann’s, firemen suck.”

+

“What’s his name?”

“Nope,” Danny says, shaking his head and putting his hand on Stella’s hand. “Don’t tell him.  Do not tell him his name.”

Steve quirks an eyebrow up. “What?  I just asked his name, Danny.”

“So you can what, go break his arm?  He’s a jackass but I don’t need you going and getting arrested and trying to explain to my old precinct why my new partner just broke a fireman’s arm.”

“Listen, we weren’t exclusive, no one ever said we were exclusive,” Stella says, looking down at her bite of cake.  “It’s not like he cheated on me.”

“He’s an ass,” Steve says, frowning and sitting back in his chair.  “Just… plain and simple.”

“Well yeah,” Stella says, grinning up at him and winking, spreading her arms wide.  “I mean look at me, who needs anybody else when you got this?”

Steve leans forward and lowers his voice.  “I’d agree but I don’t think Danny would take too kindly to me hitting on you.”

“Nope,” Danny says, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head.  “No, no, and I will so kill you with my bare hands.”

“And he’d mean that even if you two were  _ didn’t _ just get done having sex,” Stella says, raising her bite of cake to Steve and winking again as he flushed and let out a choked laugh.

“Stella, come on,” Danny whines.    “Do you always gotta be so embarrassing?”

“It’s my duty as an older sister to embarrass the shit outta you, kid bro,” she says with a wide smile.  “Besides, I had a crap night, let a girl have some fun.”

“Yeahhhh,” Steve says, clearing his throat.  “On that note, I’m gonna go to bed.”

“Oh, clean sheets in the closet at the end of the hallway,” Stella says, spitting her mouthful of cake everywhere as she does.  “If… they’re, ya know.”  She winks.  “Soiled.”

Steve turns beat red and all but runs down the hall.

“He’s easy,” she says, grinning at Danny.

“You’re a bitch.”

She nods.  “Wouldn’t have me any other way, bub.”

He laughs and shakes his head.  “Nope.”

+

“Hey,” Danny says an hour later, slipping into bed next to Steve.

“Hey,” Steve says sleepily, turning over to throw his arm around Danny’s waist.  “It’s okay for us to sleep together here?  She really doesn’t mind?”

“She said as long as we don’t fuck loud enough to keep her awake it’s fine,” Danny says, and then cracks up laughing.   “I honest to God sometimes don’t even know how we’re related.”

“Oh, I’d say it’s fairly apparent you two are related,” Steve says.

“Hey babe,” Danny says a few moments later, softly into the hair at Steve’s temple.  “If I ask you for a favor, will you promise not to take it the wrong way?”

Steve leans back and Danny can see him blinking in the moonlight.  “Sure.  Whatever you need, Danno.”

“I love that you’re meeting my family.  And, any other time--”

“You think I should go home.”

Danny nods, reaching down to take Steve’s hands.  “It’s just.  I mean I only told them yesterday.   I think I need to spend some quality time with them and if you’re here, I‘m just…”  He leans forward and kisses Steve on the mouth.  “If you’re here I’m going to want to spend every waking moment making up for lost time with you, and… they may need me.  Or hell, maybe I need them.  I don’t know, babe.”

“Yeah, sure,” Steve says, kissing him again.  “I’ll book a flight out in the morning.  Whatever you need, Danno.”

“No, hey, don’t be ridiculous,” Danny says, shaking his head.  “Stay a few days.   Wait a couple days, I want you to meet Beth and she’s not coming up til the weekend, and.  I just, I want my family to know and love you like I do.  But then, after, I’m just.”  He takes a deep breath.  “It’s like I feel like I kicked up a dust storm and everyone’s doing great with dealing with the emergency as it’s happening, but once the dust settles, that’s when the cough starts and.  And I don’t know what the fuck this metaphor is but--”

“Hey,” Steve says.  “I get it, really.”  He kisses Danny again.  “I’ll stay til the weekend and then go back and you can follow when you feel it’s best.”

Danny’s hand trails down Steve’s torso, lightly tracing the muscles.  “You sure you’re okay with that?”

“I’m fine, I get it, seriously I do,” Steve says, brushing his fingers through Danny’s hair.  “So hey.”

Danny grins.  “Hey.”

“You think you can be quiet this time,” Steve asks, running his hand down Danny’s side to his hip.  “Like, quiet enough that a certain someone won’t hear us if we maybe fool around?”

Danny laughs into their kiss and pulls back to roll his eyes.  “You know, you weren’t exactly a mouse either back there, Steven, you made some pretty loud noises too.”

Steve kisses him again and moves down to start kissing Danny’s throat, sliding his hand between Danny’s legs to slowly grip his cock.  “Willing to try to hold it back if you are.”

  
“Hell yeah,” Danny says, gripping his fingers in Steve’s hair as he kisses his way down Danny’s chest.  “Challenge accepted.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I just want to say thank you so very, very, very much to everyone whose stuck with me throughout this whole process!!! This is, to date, the longest fic i have EVER EVER written, and it just about slaughtered my soul. Writing this fic and wrecking Danny wrecked me just about as much. Thank you so much to everyone who read along and commented and urged me along and let me know that not only were you enjoying it but that the things i was trying to convey were coming across that way for the most part, and for just in general making my writerly soul feel happy and pampered and well-fed!!!!! Thank you thank you thank you, and technically this story is "done", but ther will be an epilogue to follow.... hopefully very shortly, but as you can tell as this story went on, the pause between parts got larger and larger as I felt more and more daunted with the task. I do think the epilogue is mostly planned in my head though so it shouldn't be too too long in coming.
> 
> Thanks again!!!


	16. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY DONE WEEEEEEE. And hey, just in case you're curious, this is who I've had in mind as playing Dr. Sonai... [Irrfan Kahn](http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0451234/).

 

He walks into baggage claim and is absolutely accosted by skinny arms and legs being wrapped around him from behind, hair swinging in front of his face as he laughs and staggers forward slightly before reaching back to hold onto the legs and steady them both.

“Heya, Monkey, I didn’t know you were gonna be here,” he says, grinning as she peppers the side of his face with kisses.  He smiles at Kono and opens his arms wide.  Grace doesn’t let go of him so he hauls her with him to hug Kono, laughter echoing around him as they wind up bonking heads.

“You were gone a whole month this time,” Grace says, finally sliding down off his back but not letting go, sliding her fingers into his beltloops and holding on tight.  “That’s too long, Danno.”

Kono nods, reaching over to tug on Grace’s hair. “I agree with the kiddo.”

Danny just arches an eyebrow at Kono.  “Oh I see, ya’ll are ganging up on me, I see how it is.” He laughs and swings an arm around Grace as they head over to the baggage carousel.  “It was a good trip though.  Necessary.  It uh.”  He glances at Grace, unsure of just how much to say in front of her.  “It needed to happen.”

“You said the things you didn’t want to say but needed to,” Grace asks, taking his hand in both of hers and tangling their fingers as Kono darts forward to grab one of Danny’s bags.  At Danny’s look Grace smiles.  “The last big conversation we had before you made an unexpected and sudden trip back East was about saying things you don’t want to say.  Did you not think I’d connect them?”

Danny bends forward and squeezes her to him, lifting her up off the ground and kissing her face.  “Baby you gotta stop growing up.  Pretty soon you’re gonna be a full grown adult and then who am I gonna do this with,” he says, and then swings her in a circle.

“Woah,” Kono says, when she almost gets a Grace foot to her stomach.  “Watch it, you two, you’re not subtle.”

Danny looks around to see about fifty pairs of eyes on them, most amused, some annoyed, and the rest plainly bored and only looking at them because they’d made a spectacle.  “Bah, ask me if I care,” Danny says, and swings an arm around Kono’s shoulders as they walk towards where the parking lot is.  

When they reach Kono’s car she reaches out to stop Danny from getting in the car after Grace has already settled in the back.  “It’s really good to see you like this,” she says, and then pulls him into a near bone crushing hug.  “Happy, smiling, well rested, relaxed.  Real good.”

“Good to see you like this too, doll,” he says, squeezing her back. “I’m not gonna say I’m 100% but I’m 80%.”  He frowns and leans back, seesawing his hand. “75%?”  He grins. “I’m manageable is what I’m saying.”

She smacks the side of his cheek and steps out of the hug.  “Get in Mr. Manageable. If I’m late presenting you safe and sound to McGarrett he’ll hunt me down and steal my ovaries.”

Danny makes a face and directs it her way when she settles into the driver’s seat. “Ovaries?”

She nods.  “Yep.   I think he wants to have your babies, Danny.  He needs my ovaries more than I do.”

Danny stops breathing.

“Ew,” Grace says from the back seat.  “Dad.  Please no more babies.   We got enough.”

Danny darts a look at Kono and then back at Grace.  “You uh.  She was just joking baby.  No one’s having--”

“Oh _God_ , Dad, jeez, of course I know that,” Grace says with an eyeroll so huge Danny thinks it may make her eyeballs pop out of her head.  

“You know she figured it out, right,” Kono asks quietly, but at Danny’s look she cringes.  “Uh.  She acted like she already knew so I didn’t deny it.”

“I saw you talking, Dad,” Grace says softly.  “That night.  When you were…”  She darts a glance at Kono and then looks back at Danny.  “When you were upset when he left.  The way he held your face in his hands…  It seemed pretty obvious to me.  It’s okay, you know.  I’ve been waiting for you to figure it out.”

“Wow,” Danny says, and turns to look out of the windshield.  “My daughter handles life better than I do.  That’s so…”

“Awesome,” Kono asks.

“Obvious,” Grace counters.  He glares at her gloating expression.

“Pathetic,” he counters.  “Pathetic is what it is.”

“But we love you anyway,” Kono says, reaching over to squeeze his knee and throwing him a wink.  “Patheticness and all.”

+

_“Your turn big brother.  Whatcha gonna do?”_

_Danny looks at the cards in front of him.  Two pair, aces and twos.  A good hand for sure, but the look on Matt’s face makes him wonder just what Matty has up his sleeve.  “Call.”_

_“Chicken,” Matty says, and makes a sound that’s probably supposed to be a squawk but really just sounds like someone stepped on his toe.  “He’s gone now.”_

_“Who’s gone,” Danny says, watching Matty count out chips.  Stalling or intimidation, Matty had always been unreadable during poker.  It shouldn’t have come as a surprise at all, should it have?_

_“Our friendly neighborhood Columbian drug lord,” Matty says, and Danny closes his eyes as realization finally floods through him. Matty’s dead, this is a dream, this isn’t real at all.  “Muerto.”_

_Danny sets his cards down, face up, and blinks up at Matty.  “I…”_

_“Dude, I hadn’t even placed my bet yet, did you forget how to play poker while I was gone?” Matt says, throwing his own cards down.  Not a damn thing, not even one pair.  Danny laughs.  “Lame, bro.”_

_“I miss you, Matty,” Danny says, reaching forward to grab Matt’s hand before he can start shuffling the cards. “I miss you so much man.”_

_“I know,” Matty says, half taunting but half serious too, and his smile is a crooked thing that manages to somehow look sad and mocking at the same time.  “Course you do. What’s not to miss?  Liar, cheat, thief, jackass imbecile jerk goes and gets himself killed by the Columbian cartel, course ya miss me.”_

_Danny laughs again and a tear falls.  Of all the dreams he’s had of Matt since he’d left six years ago, since he’d found him dead in a barrel, this is the first time it’s really felt like it’s the real Matty sitting across from him.  “Yeah.  Ya jerk.”_

_The smile breaks Danny’s heart, because that’s Matty.  That’s so Matty right there, that smile, ear to ear, eyes twinkling.  “Could you maybe stop crying, you’re totally harshing my buzz.”_

_“I have been so pissed at you,” he says, swallowing past the lump in his throat and reaches up to wipe at his tears.  “Wanted to yell at you, scream at you, beat your fucking face in, but God, Matty, I miss you so much and I’m just sorry.  I’m sorry.”_

_Matty’s long fingers wrap around the cards as he picks them up to begin shuffling.   “Beat my face in?  So violent, Danny.  You’re just so very violent.  Shouldn’t you have tamed in your old age? What are you now, 40?  Over the hill yet?”_

_Danny holds his hands up in a typical fighting stance, grinning.  “Why don’t you get your scrawny butt over here and see how tame I’ve gotten, ya punk.”_

_“Hey, do me a favor,” Matty says, starting to deal out the cards again._

_“Anything.”_

_Matty looks up and meets his eyes.  “Stop blaming yourself, huh?  I fucked up.  I don’t know what I was thinking but I really thought… I don’t know, my brain stopped working and I really thought I had a plan, and that it would work, but you didn’t do this.  You didn’t do any of this.”_

_Danny’s smile fades and his shoulders slump.  “I shoulda been there for you.”_

_“I shoulda let you,” Matty says.  “That’s the shoulda in the equation. You tried, Danny.  I ran.”_

**“Hey.”**

_“I’m working on it, let’s say,” Danny says, picking up his cards.  “I’m doing better.”_

**“Hey, wake up.”**

_“Better go,” Matty says, grinning and pointing behind Danny.  Danny turns to see Steve in the doorway, peering in and calling out for him.  “You know him, he’ll burn down the place you don’t answer him soon.”_

_Danny laughs--_

  
  


\-- and wakes up to Steve shaking his shoulder, his other hand wiping away tears from Danny’s face.  “Hey,” he says, reaching up to drag Steve’s hand away from his face.

“You okay?  You were crying.”

“Happy tears babe,” Danny says, leaning forward and kissing Steve on the forehead.  “Go back to sleep.  I’m okay.  Swear.”

Steve’s arms snake around him and haul him close to the point where he can’t even move at all, legs wrapped around his as well.  “You said Matt.”

“I’m okay, babe, really,” Danny says, running his hand up and down Steve’s arm as he squeezes him tighter.  “I was having a dream about Matty.  A good one for a change.”

“Okay,” Steve says, but Danny can feel the worry radiating off of him.

“Get some sleep, I gotta wake up early for Dr. Sonai before work.  I’ll give you a blowjob in the morning if you promise to have malasadas waiting for me when I get into the office.”

“Your therapist,” Steve asks, tensing and raising up a little.  “Why do you… why are you seeing him?  I thought… Danny you said you were doing better.”

Danny turns to face him, looks him in the eye.  “You need to take a breath, okay?  I _am_ doing better. This is… Steve, this isn’t something you snap your fingers at and it’s better, all gone, fixed.  You don’t wave a wand and have it disappear.”

Steve reaches forward and traces his fingers over the line of Danny’s jaw and Danny can’t help smiling at the tender gesture.  “You’ll tell me? If it’s bad again?  You’ll tell me.”

“This is maintenance, Steven,” Danny says, leaning his head into Steve’s hand.  “Like changing the oil in your car, okay? Checking the tire pressure.  It’s not a one and done, but just cuz I gotta, ya know… get my brake pads changed sometimes don’t mean my brakes are going out.”

Even in the bare light of the moon Danny can still see Steve’s eyebrows knit together.  “Your brakes…. Danny.  That is the worst metaphor I’ve heard for mental health--”

“Forget the blowjob,” Danny says, shoving Steve away and flipping over so his back is to him and burrowing back under the covers.  “Shut up, Steven. Sleep.”

“-- I’ve ever heard,” Steve finishes, laughing and pressing a kiss to Danny’s shoulder.  “Just tell me, huh?  Promise me you’ll tell me if it gets bad again.”

Danny groans, even if he is touched.  “For crying out loud, fine, Steven, yes, I will tell you.  Now go to sleep!”

+

Danny leans back on the couch and crosses one leg over the other.  “So.  That’s what I’ve been doing for the past month.”

Sonai nods at him, grinning back.  “I  must say, when I first met you I definitely thought you were going to be more obstinate than you were.  Many people take a lot longer to start listening to me than you did.”

“I did that pass/fail thing,” Danny says, waving his hand in the air.  “Started you with an A, it’s your A to lose, etc.  You never steered me wrong so you just rode out on a strong A the whole time.”

The doctor chuckles and sets his notepad to the side.  “So you said your sister wrote you the letter rather than yourself.”

Danny smiles, more to himself than anything.  “Yeah.  I just… I never could seem to do it.  I kept second guessing myself, and him.  Never knew if my recollection of him was real or not, was I letting myself off easy, was I being too easy on him, on myself, too hard.  Realistic at all.  Her writing it…  I mean, if I feel like he was this certain kind of way and if she feels maybe similarly, then…” He shrugs, seesawing his hand back and forth.  “I mean maybe it comes out in the wash.  Maybe that _was_ him afterall.”

“And it made you feel…”

“Uh,” Danny says, rubbing his hand up and down his leg absently.  “More settled?  Not uh, not better necessarily, but…  I think a part of me knew, always knew, that.  I think I always knew he loved me, that he wouldn’t blame me, but.”  He waves his hand a bit.  “Maybe it’s just easier for me, to take the blame myself, then to lay it at his feet.  I think maybe.  I think maybe I was doing that.”  He clears his throat.  “I think maybe I felt like… me, I can punish me.  Him I can’t so much.”

“You do seem more settled,” Dr. Sonai says, gesturing over towards him.  He grins.  “Your socks match.”

Danny laughs.  “That they do, doc, yeah.”  He jostles his leg a bit.  “And I’m not so edgy right now.”  

“So,” Sonai says, scribbling something quickly on his pad before setting it aside.  “Still wanting me to prescribe you medication?”

Danny sighs.  “Uh.  Well, do you got a prescription for making idiots less idiotic?  Cuz no meditation or navel gazing or journaling really helps me cope with other people’s idiocy that easily.”

“If I had that pill I would take it myself,” Sonai says, grinning again.  “So, Danny.  That about does us, doesn’t it?”

Danny clears his throat.  “You throwing me to the wolves?”

Sonai shrugs.  “Should I be?”

Danny frowns, feels just the slightest frisson of panic at the thought of going back to his life without the doc’s guidance.  “I uh.  I don’t know?  I feel…”  He clears his throat and searches for words.  “That scares me,” he finally settles on.

“Good,” Sonai says, looking down at his calendar.  “It should.  It says to me you don’t have unrealistic expectations.  That you’re… cured, or that it’s done.  Over.  Fixed.”

“No,” Danny says, shaking his head.  “No, I’m not that naive.  This…”  He casts back in his mind for how to phrase what he wants to say.  Put it in the right frame.  “This… emotional, mental… This breakdown is new, this sudden implosion of my life isn’t something I’ve ever.”  He sighs.  “But the problems still exist.  The anxieties.  The panic.  The neuroses.”  He waves his hand.   “The things that brought me to the point of having this thing, this self-destructive, raze my life to the ground until everything that matters to me has crumbled to bits… they still exist.”  He whirls a finger around his ear and grins.  “I’m still a nutbar.  I just maybe have a better handle on it right now.”

“Monthly then,” Sonai says, tapping a pen against his calendar.  “Perhaps we meet monthly.  Just as--”

“To change the oil out,” Danny says, smirking as he bends forward.  “Rotate the tires.”

“I don’t quite rotate my tires that often myself, but if you prefer,” Sonai says with an easy grin.  “Schedule an appointment for yourself with my secretary on your way out, Danny.  It’s good to finally meet you.”

  
Danny laughs and thinks, yeah.  Yeah.  He finally is himself again.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr here under [@lovethesnark](http://lovethesnark.tumblr.com). 
> 
> Fanfiction Website  
> MOST of my fic is not on AO3, though all of my H5O and beyond is as AO3 didn't exist yet and it was too much to archive. It can be found on my website at [LoveTheSnark.com](http://www.lovethesnark.com).


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